The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style
by TheOneAndOnlyGlitter
Summary: Frodo is a hobbit who has to deal with 9 incompetant Black Riders trying to kill him, an elf lord and wizard betting on his sexuality, and a gender confused cousin. Oh, and an evil talking Ring. No wonder he left to the Gray Havens...
1. Prologue

**Note from the Writer:

This parody isn't completely based on the book, but it isn't completely based on the movie either.

Avid Lord of the Rings Fan: Well what is it based on then? If it isn't based on the book but it isn't based on the movie what is it based on? How can it be Lord of the Rings then?

Writer: Well look, I'm combining both of them in a way that I will get the crucial scenes and won't waste time on scenes that really establish nothing. Plus, I'm adding Monty Python influence.

Avid Lord of the Rings Fan: So you're just copying Monty Python and giving them an evil ring! What is the point of this then?! You're destroying the trilogy, you are brutally murdering it and—

The avid Lord of the Rings fan involved in the conversation above was kidnapped by men in black suits and was never to be heard from again.

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Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…no wait, that's not right. Long ago, the Dark Lord Sauron made an offer nobody could refuse…no wait, that's not right either. How can this story begin, I mean I clearly can't copy a poem written by Tolkien, yet there is no way I can use the special effects created by Peter Jackson. What is a Narrator to do?!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. The Narrator went to open the door, and when he did, he found a pale, stiff looking man with blonde hair and a French accent. "Vu are ze man narrating ze parody of Ze Lord of ze Rings, correct?" he asked. The Narrator nodded. The French man then punched the Narrator in the face, and when explaining why he did so, the man said, "Start zis story ze proper vay!" Then, the man exited and slammed the door. The Narrator woke up in the morning, convinced himself that it was only a bad dream and the black eye he had did not exist, and continue narrating.

Many years ago, several rings were created. Three were given to the elves; of course the 'beautiful' people get it first. It's not fair really; you never see ugly people wearing amazing rings do you? No you don't, but the ugly people need it, because ugly face with beautiful jewelry isn't too bad, yet ugly people with ugly jewelry? Not good at all. Anyway, seven were given to the dwarves. That doesn't seem right either. They have all of these jewels and gold, you'd think they would have their own rings already! Finally, nine rings were given to men, which would all be taken off if they saw an attractive woman in a bar.

The Dark Lord Sauron felt left out with everybody else getting rings, so he made his own. He created an evil ring in a volcano called Mt. Doom, which is not really normal, but this is a fictional story in a fictional world, so it is not questioned. With this ring, Sauron gained power, and Middle Earth was in danger. In order to fight Sauron, men and elves joined together against Sauron's forces in a battle so epic, you need to watch the movie or read the book to gain the details rather than read this low budget fanfic.

The battle went as follows: in the right hand corner, men and elves; in the left corner, Sauron's army of orcs. The elves and men win round one, but during round two of the fight, Sauron joined the battle. The referee gave Sauron one red flag for joining after starting time, but the match continued. Quickly, Sauron murdered many men and elves, including King Elendil, ending round two. Finally, round three, Elendil's son Isildur grabbed his father's broken sword and cut off Sauron's fingers, one of which had the Ring on. Sauron then went through a sudden death scene that should have made his performance in the movie nominated for Best Actor.

Isildur took the Ring for himself, and was later murdered for it. The Ring fell to the bottom of a lake, being unable to swim since it was a ring. Many years later, two hobbit-like creatures—

"Two what?" interjected a reader unfamiliar to the Lord of the Rings

Two hobbit-like creatures, the Narrator repeated.

"What are those?"

They shall be explained later in the story, now be quiet! Anyway, these hobbit-like creatures named Deagol and Smeagol found the ring. Smeagol killed Deagol for it, and kept the Ring for his own.

"Boy, these weird creatures sure are mean. What are they exactly?" interjected the unfamiliar reader.

They are like hobbits, and hobbits won't be introduced until later so shut up! Now, --

"Well you don't have to be rude about it…"

The Narrator, clutching the gun he held under his desk, tried to ignore the comment and continue reading. Anyway, the creature Smeagol, later known as Gollum, stayed in a cave for five hundred years and obsessed over the Ring. One day, a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins ended up in the cave and found the Ring, keeping it to this day…

"You did it again!"

Did what again, the Narrator asked, annoyed.

"You mentioned these hobbits but you didn't explain what they were! You're a liar! FALSE ADVERTISING!"

The Narrator sighed. Now look, he repeated--

"Look we even got it in writing! There's no use in denying your error!"

I shall explain about hobbits in the next chapter, I promise, just let me continue the story! The Narrator sighed and thought to himself 'this had better be worth the paycheck...' And to think, this was only the Prologue! There's a long way to go yet...


	2. The Long Expected Party

Chapter Two: A Long-Expected Party

Years after finding the Ring, Bilbo Baggins sat in his study and worked on his book. He wrote the name of his first chapter: Concerning Rabbits. You see, rabbits really are amazing creatures. They live in little rabbit holes in the Shire. They share a passion for food, but truly desire peace and quiet. These rabbits—

Suddenly, a young man entered the Narrator's study and handed him a slip of paper. The paper was from the editor of the story, and it read: "Its 'Concerning Hobbits', not 'Rabbits'. One more distraction from the original story, and you will be attacked by a piece of fresh fruit." The Narrator, of course deeply terrified by this threat, started again.

Concerning Hobbits. Hobbits really are amazing creatures. They live in hobbit holes in the Shire, share a passion for food, and love peace and quiet. Bilbo Baggins was a very old hobbit, however he looked young. He was actually going to celebrate his one hundred and eleventh birthday. His old friend Gandalf, who had come to celebrate Bilbo's birthday that day, was amazed that a wizard like himself could not slow down his own aging process, yet a simple hobbit could. Gandalf made a mental note to look through Bilbo's bathroom to see what kind of facial cream he used. Bilbo and Gandalf spent a few moments talking amongst themselves.

"Bilbo," Gandalf said, "I've noticed something a little different about you…do you mean to go through with your plan?"

"Yes, yes I do", answered Bilbo pensively. "I've thought about it, and I realized that the sex change operation is the best thing. I was never meant to be like this, and its time I need my real gender to show!" Gandalf awkwardly looked at Bilbo.

"Erm I meant the plan about leaving the Shire" Gandalf said slowly to Bilbo.

Bilbo blushed, "Oh, that plan…" He chuckled awkwardly, but Gandalf still had felt extremely uncomfortable, and made a note to never sleep over at Bag End. Anyway, Bilbo looked at Gandalf thoughtfully. "I feel sort of stretched out, like a contraceptive that has been used too many times…" Gandalf was shocked by that comment, however Bilbo continued. "I need a holiday…I want to find adventure again! Maybe even stay at a 4 star hotel at a good cost, one with hobbit sized rooms of course…you'll keep an eye on Frodo right?"

"Of course," Gandalf replied, and secretly hoped that Frodo would not start acting like his uncle in his older age.

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Finally, the celebration had arrived. There was drinking and dancing and women in barely any clothing, and everybody was having a good time. People were sitting around at tables; you could hear many conversations being heard:

"But you see, Aristotle had many more modern concepts than Plato! It would be foolish not to listen to his teachings!"

"NO!!! She did all that with a melon?!?!"

"So I told him, 'dearie, you're not going get many men with that shade of lipstick', but he just wouldn't listen! It doesn't go with his eyes at all!"

As the party continued, the fun did as well. Eventually, Bilbo addressed the partygoers. "My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks! There are so many more last names I could shout out, but that could take hours." The crowd laughed. "Alas, it is my 111th birthday! I've been thinking about many things lately," Bilbo said seriously, "I've had many wonderful times with many of you excellent hobbits, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, Lobelia you may go and boil yourself in a hot bucket of water!" Many people were shocked by that comment, and why Mr. Bilbo was behaving in such a strange manner, even for him. "I think I shall go on another adventure. Not like the old days, were I fought dragons, or when I tried teaching a human blonde the alphabet, which I'm glad I gave up on!" The hobbits became confused. "Anyway, I have a few things to do…I regret to announce this is goodbye…well I don't so much regret, as I'm glad to be rid of most you, but I bid you all a very fond farewell."

Suddenly, Bilbo disappeared, leaving nothing behind. Gandalf was not pleased by this. Somehow, being a wizard and all that, Gandalf transported himself to Bag End. Immediately, Gandalf hit his head on the ceiling. Bilbo heard the noise and looked at his old friend.

"Oh hello Gandalf, I see you're destroying my furniture already. That's alright, it will be Frodo's mess to clean up now."

"You mean you're leaving him everything?" Gandalf said as he backed into a table, however fixing it before anything was knocked over.

"Yes," Bilbo said as he got his belongings together, "even my ring. But now that I think about it…maybe I shouldn't…"

"And why is that? You should be able to give him everything, Bilbo." As Gandalf said his, his managed to knock over a glass bowl, cringing as he did so.

"That was a gift from my mother!" Bilbo said, referring to the bowl. "Oh well, I always hated it so I suppose that was convenient. Anyway, what business is it of yours what I do with my ring? It's mine…my own…I want to say something more, but I don't know what the word is…oh I think it begins with a P..."

"Albatross?"

"How does that begin with the letter P? Plus, what does an albatross have to do with a ring? It's a bird, and is not connected to a ring at all!"

"The P is silent. Trust me, I'm a wizard; I know what I'm talking about. Clueless hobbit…"

Bilbo sighed and gave up arguing, however he did not noticed that the Ring fell out of his pocket. Gandalf saw this and quickly put in a cheap, artificial silver ring and hoped that Bilbo would not notice the difference.

"Well, I suppose I should go, while it's still dark out" Bilbo said, then he looked at his dear friend. "Goodbye, Gandalf."

"Goodbye, Bilbo. May we meet again one day."

"Oh I hope not!" and with that, Bilbo ran out of Bag End, leaving Gandalf to wonder if that was an insult.  
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Many days later, as Bilbo was about to enter Rivendell, he realized his age was catching up to him. Out of habit, he felt for the Ring in his pocket, only to discover it was a cheap fake silver ring.

"NO!!!! Dammit, Gandalf!" Bilbo sighed, but walked into the kingdom of the Elves, already annoyed by their distant yet constant singing.


	3. The Shadow of the Past

**Ok, I know the first two chapters weren't really that good, but I'm working on making it funnier. They chapters will probably get funnier as they go on, or stupider. Either result is possible. Oh and for the song, its to the tune "Brave Sir Robin" from Monty Python and the Holy Grail ;] enjoy! And review please =]**

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Chapter Three: The Shadow of the Past

After Bilbo had left, his nephew Frodo had come back to their home. "Bilbo?" he called out. Frodo then noticed Gandalf sitting by the fireplace, but only saw his back. Frodo walked over and said "Well hello, miss."

Gandalf then turned around "What do you mean, 'miss'?"

Frodo quickly replied, "Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. Anyway, Gandalf where's Bilbo, and why did he leave his Ring? I don't think it fits me. I could probably make a buck off it at a pawn shop though…"

"Bilbo has left the Shire and will be staying with the elves. He left you Bag End and everything he owns. However, keep the Ring, trust me."

"Oh, that's weird, he never cared for the constant singing of the elves. You know, everywhere he went there was a song for the occasion. I hope that doesn't happen to me now that he's left." Suddenly, Frodo heard music. "Oh no, what is that? Do you hear it?" The music grew louder and Frodo looked around wearily.

_Bilbo Baggins, your uncle,  
__Has left you Bag End.  
__It is surely a huge mess,  
__Oh such a mess!  
__He was quite drunk when he  
__Left the house that way.  
__Poor, poor, poor Frodo…_

"Well that's not how it was, you see," Gandalf said while trying to stop the chorus

_He must now clean up the mess  
Before anyone sees  
That means all of the vomit,  
And all the used co--_

"Frodo, I can assure you, nothing of that sort is here!" Gandalf interrupted. However, he could not stop the musical number from continuing

_The broken objects,  
__The vodka bottles,  
__The stained bed sheets,  
__And all the spilled beer,  
__The hung-over guests,  
__And the plastic di_—

"THANK YOU! That is enough!" Gandalf shouted as the music came to an abrupt halt, leaving Frodo confused at what was going on. "Now, I shall have to leave, but I will be back as soon as I can." And with that, the wizard quickly got up and left, leaving Frodo confused.

"You could have at least said 'goodbye,'" thought Frodo. He was, however, extremely glad that Gandalf stopped the singing before it had gotten worse.

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Days later, Gandalf returned. Notice, I say 'days later' rather than 'years'. This is because I do not want to be attacked by rabid Frodo fan girls for causing him to age greatly. The Narrator shuddered at the thought, and continued. Gandalf had discovered information about the One Ring…Sauron's Ring…the Ring that had never been found…Ted, as it was called in Mordor…Anyway, Gandalf asked Frodo to drop the Ring into the fire. Confused, Frodo did this.

Gandalf then removed it from the fire. "Hold out your hand, Frodo," he said, "its quite cool, don't worry."

So, Frodo held out his hand and immediately his hand was burned upon touching the Ring. "OH MY LORD!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!"

"Frodo, relax, at the most its just a flesh wound. Now, can you see any markings on the Ring?"

"YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT A STUPID RING WHEN YOU JUST GAVE ME THIRD DEGREE BURNS?! WHO CARES ABOUT THE RING?! I HAVE BURN MARKS ON MY HAND!" Frodo fell to the ground, sobbing and screaming in pain. Frodo also shouted out a number of curses far too obscene to list here.

Gandalf rolled his eyes and waited for Frodo's crying to stop. He could be so girly sometimes…

Eventually, Gandalf repeated "can you see any markings on the Ring?"

Frodo sighed, still clutching his hand even though it hurt less and still crying softly. "Yes I can. The markings are weird, or the jeweler who created this has terrible penmanship. But there is something on it."

Gandalf frowned, and said "Frodo, a jeweler did not make this ring. The language on it is commonly known as Black Speech. Now, I've taken a few Black Speech classes, but I might not be able to translate exactly. Let me see…ok, 'tons of wings to soothe them all, tons of wings to mind hens, tons of wings to sing to them all, and in the darkness align them.'"

Frodo was confused, "what? That doesn't make sense!"

"Well the the other translation made less sense! Plus you're a hobbit, what would you know?" Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Wait hold on, let me pull out my Black Speech to the Common Tongue dictionary. Ok…let's see here…ok I was just a little bit off. It really says 'one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"But what does that mean?"

"I don't know! Just because I'm a wizard that doesn't mean that I really know all, give me a break!"

Frodo shook his head and sighed. "Ok so it's the One Ring, so what? We'll just keep it hidden, we won't talk about it ever, and I will only use it if I don't remember that it had been used in the morning."

"Well Frodo, that sounds like a good plan but, erm, there's something I haven't told you." Gandalf sighed. "They know you have the Ring. It's previous owner Gollum was tortured into telling them. Servants of Sauron are after you."

"What?! Why didn't you tell me this before?!" Frodo started panicking. "Ok, so you burn my hand, tell me I own an evil ring, and now you say that people are after me?! Oh my goodness…I've got to get out of here!"

"I was actually going to tell you that too, but I guess you had it covered. Listen, go to the village of Bree, and stay at the Inn of Day's. I will meet you there."

"Oh that will only cause me more trouble," muttered Frodo. "All right then, I'll meet you at the Day's Inn"

"No, the Inn of Days! If you say 'Day's Inn', you might get sued for copyright!"

Not knowing what that was, but sure it was bad, Frodo said nothing. He packed quickly, but heard a noise outside of the window. Gandalf heard the noise, too. He slowly crept to the window, stuck his hand in the bushes, and pulled out the listener, who was none other than…a squirrel? Gandalf threw the squirrel down, and in response the squirrel said "I hope PETA comes after you!" However, this all sounded like squeaking to the hobbit and wizard. Then, a laugh was heard from the bushes. This time, Gandalf pulled out Samnotsowise Gamgee, the gardener.

"Samnotsowise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping?!" Gandalf shouted at the gardener

"Not on purpose! I was just cutting the grass, but then I heard raised voices. Please Mr. Gandalf don't me into anything…not male." Samnotsowise looked to be on verge of tears.

"Actually, Samnotsowise…I have a better use for you…" Gandalf smirked.

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As the sun was rising, Frodo, Samnotsowise, and Gandalf reached a meadow.

"Listen, I must see the head of my order now. You two are traveling alone, with no map, and hopefully with knowledge on how to get to Bree." Gandalf said to the hobbits.

"But what if we don't know how to get there?" asked Samnotsowise.

"Then, you're screwed." Gandalf got on his horse, and rode away before the hobbits could ask anything else.


	4. A Short Cut to Mushrooms

Chapter Four: A Short Cut to Mushrooms

After Gandalf left, Frodo and Sam started their journey to Bree. So they walked…and walked…later on they even walked some more. Suddenly, as they walked through a crop, the travelers looked as if they could be in serious peril.

"Mr. Frodo! HELP!" screamed Sam.

"Sam what is it?!" Frodo hoped this would not be one of Sauron's spies after them.

"Mr. Frodo…there's a beetle! Kill it, Mr. Frodo!"

"Sam, we're outside. There are lots of beetles. Besides, we're still in the Shire, what could possibly happen to us?" Frodo scoffed.

Suddenly, in an entrance that seemed to come straight out of the movie and get readers of the book annoyed, Marriaduck Brandybuck and Pellegrino-Water Took. They were hobbits and were cousins of Frodo. They were called Merry and Pippin for short. Pippin was the younger looking hobbit with sandy brown hair, and at the moment he landed on top of Frodo. For a moment, the Narrator stifled back saying 'that's what she said'

"What are you two doing?!" Frodo cried as he pushed Pippin off. Again, the Narrator could be heard giggling.

"Hey Merry, it's Frodo Baggins!" Pippin exclaimed to his friend

"Hello Frodo!" Merry cried as fixed his dark blonde hair. At this exact moment, many crazed fangirls reading this fanfiction swooned.

Suddenly, yelling was heard in the distance.

"Do you hear that? It sounds like somebody's saying 'who sealed the deal?'" said Sam

"No it sounds more like 'pet down my squeal'", said Frodo. "Wait that doesn't make sense, but it does sound dirty." Frodo and Sam grinned.

"Actually it's Farmer Maggot saying 'get out of my field!' and chasing us" explained Merry while Pippin nodded.

"Ohhhh" replied Frodo and Sam. "Aren't we supposed to visit him?" asked Sam.

"Well you might because you seem to be Book Sam, but considering how young I am I'm Movie Frodo. So no, we aren't going to visit today," explained Frodo.

Still confused, Sam just shrugged. Then, the hobbits had a brilliant plan: run for it. The hobbits ran through the field when they suddenly fell off a conveniently placed cliff, much to the dismay of Tolkien and approval of Jackson.

The hobbits all fell on top of each other, causing numerous fangirls to faint.

"Merry…" said Sam, who was underneath Merry, "what is that I feel poking into my back?"

"Oh, it's just a carrot, Sam," said Merry pulling out a carrot from under him.

"Um…why do I still feel it?" ask Sam awkwardly. Merry quickly got off Sam and positioned his cloak over his pants. Suddenly, Merry turned his head and saw a most amazing sight: "Mushrooms!" Merry, Sam, and Pippin ran over and started grabbing the mushrooms.

"This was a really good short cut to mushrooms!" said Pippin with a wink.

"Pip, that doesn't make any sense" said Merry as Sam nodded in agreement.

"Oh I'm just quoting the chapter title, because otherwise it wouldn't have been mentioned" Pippin explained.

"Ok that works for me" Sam said while Merry shrugged.

Frodo, in an effort to look more dramatic, looked down the road they were now next to. He felt slightly weird, but that could have just been from hearing Sam and Merry's conversation. Suddenly, he heard a screech. "Everybody, get off the road, quick!" The hobbits took their mushrooms and hid under a convenient hideaway. Suddenly, they could hear something. It was similar to singing…

_Hey dol, merry dol!  
__Ring a ding dillo!  
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow  
Bright blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow!_

The hobbits cringed at the obvious fashion clash. They made sure to stay absolutely still, not wanting to deal with this clearly evil creature. Suddenly, the hobbits could hear a horse arrive on the scene. Frodo peaked up and saw that the creature was surely evil, and it's rider must be worse.

The rider looked at Tom Bombadil and hissed "Baggins…" As he said this, Frodo took the Ring out and was close to putting it on.

"No, not Baggins, Bombadil." Tom then took this moment to sing once more.

_Tom Bombadil I am!  
I'm a merry fellow  
Bright blue is my jacket and my boots are yellow!_

"Well, that's very nice, but I'm looking for a Mr. Baggins," said the rider, "my master ordered me to find him."

"Oh, Tom Bombadil gets it, your _master_" Tom said with a wink.

"No, no, not like that. I just need Baggins," said the rider, slightly annoyed.

"It's ok, my good sir, Tom Bombadil does not discriminate!"

The rider got off his horse, "Now look here!" he said as he did so. As the rider got off, his black cloak slipped off. "Oh bugger." The Black Rider quickly picked up his cloak and covered his shadowy body.

Tom Bombadil paused. "You know, I think Baggins is staying at my place, would you care to look around?"

"Erm, no" the Black Rider said. Suddenly, to avoid the rest of the conversation, Merry threw the bag of mushrooms.

"Oh look," the Black Rider said, "that might be Baggins. Bye!" He quickly got on his horse and rode away, while Tom Bombadil chased him and yelled: "Wait! I want to see the lovers' reunion, too!" The hobbits made their escape.

"What was that?" Merry asked worriedly. Frodo looked at the Ring, knowing the answer.

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As the forest darkened, the four hobbits ran. They hid behind trees, sensing that the Black Rider was nearby.

"What's going on?" Pippin asked, "Why were they looking for you Frodo?"

"I, uhh, I won the lottery." Frodo answered.

"Wait…wouldn't you want the money?" Pippin asked.

"Oh sorry, not the lottery, umm I lost a bet?" Frodo thought of the idea quickly.

"Alright, that works."

Frodo sighed. Sam, unnoticed for a while, shouted, "Get down!" The hobbits all ducked behind a bush. A Black Rider rode near by, but quickly strolled out of sight.

"Sam, we must get to Bree" Frodo said.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious" Sam muttered.

"The Buckleberry Ferry!" Merry said, quite happy that he made a rhyme, "Follow me!"

So, not checking before they leapt up, the hobbits started to run when a Black Rider came out of nowhere, screeching as it did so! All the hobbits ran, except Frodo; he was trapped. Remember his size, Frodo escape from under the horse, much to the Black Rider's annoyance.

As Sam, Merry, and Pippin untied the ropes holding the ferry still, Frodo was still running from the Black Rider. Frodo quickly ran to the dock and jumped onto the ferry. The Black Rider skidded to a stop, but because he didn't have a seat belt on, he fell into the water.

"Help! I can't swim!" The Black Rider bobbed in the water.

"Don't worry, I got!" Pippin said as he extended his hand to the Black Rider

"No!" The hobbits screamed as Merry pulled Pippin back.

The Black Rider rolled his eyes and thought, "Damn, I guess only one is an idiot…" He got out of the water, and got back on his horse, with his cloak drenched. The Black Rider rode away, but as he met up with other Black Riders, the hobbits could swear they heard him asking for a blow dryer…

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After a long discussion between the hobbits about how Buckleberry Ferry wasn't a real ferry but rather a wooden raft, they arrived at Bree. They tied the ferry/raft to a tree, and got on land. The hobbits walked through a few trees, went up to a gate, and knocked on the door.

The gatekeeper opened a small window at human eye level, saw nothing, and then opened the window at hobbit eye level. "What do you want?"

"We're heading to Bree" answered Frodo

"Well, this is Bree" the gatekeeper said as he opened the door. "Hobbits! Eight hobbits!"

"Four hobbits!" said Frodo.

The gatekeeper covered one of his eyes then nodded. "Alright. So what business brings you to Bree?"

"We wish to stay at the Day's Inn," Frodo explained, "Our business is our own."

"Actually, young sirs, the Inn of Day's was closed due to copyright. The inn is now called 'The Prancing Pony.'"

"That's a stupid name!" snorted Merry

The gatekeeper glared at him. "I was the one who thought of it."

"Oh…"

"Ok, come in you eight!" the gatekeeper said as he opened the door.

"Four!" the hobbits exclaimed.

"Oh whatever" sighed the gatekeeper as the hobbits entered Bree.


	5. At the Inn of the Prancing Pony

Hey guys, sorry it took forever for me to update! This chapter actually took me a while to write, damn writer's block...anyway hopefully you enjoy it, and **please review**!

Speaking of reviews, I would like to thank my first reviewer, Kwahzutah! You are officially the awesomest person on earth, so you should feel pretty special about that =D Plus you helped me realize that I actually don't completely suck as a writer, so that just makes you freakin awesome! Ok I'll stop now seeing as I'm on borderline stalker behavior

Enjoy!

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Chapter Five: At the Inn of the Prancing Pony and Not At the House of Tom Bombadil

As they entered Bree, the hobbits looked around nervously. There were many tall men walking around, and the hobbits had to hope they wouldn't get trampled. Finally, the four hobbits spotted the inn and went in…the inn. The Narrator giggled as he said the play on words. Really, how often do you get to say something that funny? The Narrator laughed loudly this time. After he had gotten over the humor of his own joke and realized that he was quite alone in his study and had no one to share his laughter with, the Narrator drank away his sorrows with a bottle of vodka and continued the story.

The hobbits walked into the Prancing Pony and went over to the front desk. Frodo expected to see Barliman Butterbur, whom Gandalf had told Frodo about. Plus, the words "BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR" were carved onto the desk, aiding Frodo's suspicions. However a woman was at the desk.

"Excuse me," asked Frodo, "but where is Barliman Butterbur?"

"Why hello, little hobbits! Barliman Butterbur has been removed from this story by the drunken Narrator, who wanted an attractive female in this story. So, I am taking his place. I am Goldberry!" Goldberry smiled. She had curly blonde hair, a very low-cut top, and a short skirt. Thankfully, the hobbits were not attracted to female humans, so this change did not effect them too much.

"Excuse me, but why are you even in this parody?" asked Sam. "We weren't going to Tom Bombadil's house, which should be the only scene you're in, and Tom Bombadil is barely given any time in this parody because he is such a bore!"

Golberry rolled her eyes. "Try living with him. All he does is sing! I mean, yeah I like a man who's into music, but that's the only thing he does! We never do anything at all, and you have no idea how upsetting that is. Even worse…" Goldberry whispered so only the hobbits could hear her, "he's premature!" The hobbits gasped; not because they were shocked by this, as Goldberry thought they were, but because they had a rather unfortunate mental picture in their heads.

"Well, not that that isn't horrible and I don't feel sorry for you, but could you tell me if Gandalf the Grey has arrived?" Frodo asked.

"Gandalf…oh you mean the wizard guy? Let me tell you, he has a very impressive…staff" she winked. The hobbits all cringed in disgust and gagged. "What, I only meant his magic staff. Trust me, it is indeed magic." Goldberry winked again, as Pippin passed out upon hearing too much information. "Anyway, Gandalf hasn't been here for months. Sorry."

Upon hearing this news, the three hobbits sighed while Merry held up Pippin's unconscious body. They decided to sit for a while and wait for Gandalf. Once they got to a table and got four pints of ale, Merry poured some of Pippin's on his head, waking him up. Pippin didn't so much complain about how he was woken up, and instead thanked Merry for waking him up so he could drink. Frodo was still nervous that Gandalf hadn't arrived yet, and he could tell Sam was, too. However, Sam was nervous about something else.

"Frodo," he said, "that fellow's done nothing but stare at you since arrived." Sam pointed out the man. Frodo turned and saw a man with blonde hair and dressed in all pink. The man winked at Frodo and Frodo saw him ask the waiter to send Frodo a drink.

"Excuse me, this is from the man in pink," the waiter said. "It is what he wants to 'have' with you."

Pippin, being an expert when it came to drinks, asked the waiter "Sir, wait a minute…isn't that drink called 'sex on the beach'?" The waiter sadly nodded. "Doesn't that explain my previous sentence?" the waiter said just before he walked away.

Frodo pushed the drink away as Sam looked at him "Also, there's another man who has been staring at you for a while." Sam nodded towards a man who was wearing a black cloak and had his face covered.

"Not again…" Frodo sighed. As the waiter passed by, Frodo stopped him. "Excuse me, that man in the corner, who is he?"

"Even though I have no right to tell you this in case he sues me," the waiter started, "he is a ranger. I'm not sure of his real name, but around here he's known as Strider. And I wouldn't send him that drink if I were you, I mean he doesn't take well to flirting plus he might be a bit tall for a hobbit like you, no offense." Frodo rolled his eyes as the waiter left.

Suddenly, Frodo found himself thinking about the Ring. He could also swear he could hear his name being said, but thought nothing of it.

_Baggins…_

_Baggins…_

_Baggins, you listening? It's me, the Ring…can you please stop touching me so much…I feel violated…_

Before Frodo could think about the voices he was hearing, he heard Pippin really say his name.

"Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins, He's over there, Frodo Baggins. Hey Frodo!" Pippin said as he waved. "He's my second cousin, once removed, on his mother's side; and my third cousin on his father's side. If you spelled his name backwards, it would be Odorf!" Pippin smiled idiotically as Frodo ran over and grabbed Pippin by the arm, however he tripped, the ring flew into the air, landed on his finger, and Frodo disappeared

************************************************************

Suddenly, Frodo found himself in another world, a darker one. He then heard the voice of Sauron…

"You cannot hide…I see you!" Frodo could now see Sauron's eye, and fear struck his heart, as well as curiosity.

"How can you talk when you're just an eye?! I understand the seeing thing because you're an eye, but how do you talk? Where is your mouth? You haven't got one!" Frodo yelled at the Dark Lord.

Sauron glared, even though all of his expression looked the same to Frodo, as he spoke "Baggins, do not ask questions. There is no life here in the void…only death…"

Being scared of death, Frodo quickly took the Ring off, and a second later he was grabbed by Strider. The Narrator, in his drunken state, giggled madly at this statement and did things that if listed here would make this story lose it's PG-13 rating.

"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. 'Underhill'!" Strider said as he carried Frodo up to his room. The Narrator, was at this point, so convulsed with laughter that Frodo and Strider had to wait in the room for hours before any dialogue could be said and the story could be continued.

About three hours later, the Narrator didn't find the line as funny anymore, so the story finally continued.

"How did you know that name was false? It wasn't even mentioned in this parody!" Frodo exclaimed.

"I wanted extra information, so I read the books and I watched the movies. So, do I look like Viggo Mortensen now? I gotta say, we share a striking resemblance!"

"Yeah, you do. That's weird, but you know what weirder? We're going completely out of character. We aren't even talking about people actually in this story!"

"Must be the Narrator's fault" Strider said with a shrug.

"True, you know how he gets with drinks." Frodo and Strider both sighed.

Suddenly, Sam, Merry, and Pippin burst through the door, ready to attack Strider.

"Stop! This chapter is getting too silly! You two are going completely out of character and it isn't natural! Now, Strider, say your correct line and the story can continue!" Sam yelled, with Merry and Pippin giving angry looks at Strider.

"All right, all right!" Strider said, annoyed. Then, with a dramatic hair flip, Strider spoke. "You can no longer wait for the wizard Frodo…they're coming."


	6. A Knife in the Dark

Hey guys, sorry for the lack of updates, but I made this chapter extra long and I promise that I will update more frequently! Anyway, enjoy, and review please!

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Chapter Six: A Knife in the Dark

It was dark in the village of Bree, and all was quiet…too quiet. And it was dark…because it was late at night. And it had just stopped raining…making everything quieter. Nobody was out, because it was very late and night and because that would make this part of the story appear calmer. But no, it was quiet and dark, and nobody was awake. Well people must have been awake, but they were just not outside.

Suddenly, there was a noise…no, not a noise in Bree, but a noise in the Narrator's apartment. Someone was standing outside the door to his study. He could hear slow breathing at first…then quiet humming. The Narrator had quickly crept over and locked the door, careful not to make a sound. He heard a foot tap on the other side of the door. The Narrator got down to see maybe a glimpse of the intruder under the door, and saw something that could have given him a heart attack: yellow boots. He only knew one person who would wear yellow boots, even if that person were fictional. The Narrator knew Tom Bombadil was outside the door, and he could no longer read the story since Tom would attack him for the way he made Tom seem. It could also have to do with the fact that the Narrator also said Tom was premature, that in hindsight was a bad move.

The Narrator quietly grabbed an envelope and crept over to his desk, where he folded the pages of his story and put them into the envelope, sealing it shut. The Narrator addressed the envelope to his cousin in Detroit, known as Narrator 2. Then, the Narrator got his faithful pet, a llama named Fluffy, and put the envelope in his mouth, quietly ordering Fluffy to go to his cousin. The Narrator said farewell to Fluffy, and with startling grace the llama jumped out the window, going off to find Narrator 2.

***********************************************************

Weeks passed, with Fluffy traveling from the California city of Sacramento, where Narrator 1 had lived, to Detroit, Michigan. Fluffy, being the brave llama that he was, had done nothing but run without stopping, determined to get to Detroit.

Meanwhile, the plot in the actual story had come to a standstill. The characters were aware that their story could not continue without a narrator, so they merely had to wait. The hobbits were quite bored with this. Strider sat looking out the window, hoping that they would hear a voice telling of all events going on.

"I wonder when we will be able to act and speak normally"

"Pippin, you need to announce yourself when you talk! I, Merry, know this for a fact. Since there is no narrator, no one will announce who is talk."

"Oh, now I see. I mean, I, Pippin, see. I also say that while smiling, as you can see but the faithful readers cannot."

"Well you know what? I, Sam, think this is all weird. It doesn't sound right to speak this way."

"It may not, Sam, but it is the way it is. I, Strider, have been through this before. As ridiculous as it is, it helps, trust me. Now, quiet, I think I can hear something"

"SCREECH! SCREECH!"

"Why did they have to say screech? Couldn't they have just screeched instead? I, Pippin, am curious."

"I'm afraid not Pippin. I, Strider, must explain this to you. Without a narrator, our world is affected. Our actions would not be announced, so nobody would know they were screeching or that we could hear them. Yes, it affects them to."

"What are they? I would like to know. The "I" mentioned being Frodo Baggins, of course."

"They were once men…great kings of men. Then Sauron, the bastard behind all this, gave them nine rings of power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without questions, one by one falling into darkness. They are the Nazgul, Ringwraiths; neither living nor dead. At all times they can feel the presence of the Ring; drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you. We may have fooled them tonight, but we must leave at first light. We need to get to Rivendell as soon as possible."

"Rivendell? I, Sam, always wanted to see the elves! I can't believe this, nor can I believe how much I'm smiling right now even though I sound ridiculous!"

****************************************************************

Finally, after a tiring journey, Fluffy arrived in Detroit. He was exhausted, and also annoyed at the looks he was getting from people in the streets. After an hour or so, Fluffy came to the apartment building of Narrator 2. Fluffy went inside, and knocked on all the doors of the apartments with his head. Of course, Narrator 2 lived on the last apartment on the highest floor. Poor Fluffy found this out three hours after entering the building.

Narrator 2 of course instantly recognized Fluffy as his cousin's llama, and let Fluffy enter the house. Narrator 2 read the letter explaining what had happened to Narrator 1 and then, doing his narrational duty, began where the story left off.

*****************************************************************

Strider and the hobbits left Bree early the next morning. They also left with their new pony, Bill, whom they bought from Bill Ferny. The pony could not be happier to be away from Bill Ferny, in fact he was so happy that he did not care that the most evil piece of jewelry of all time was only feet away from him. However, Bill is only a pony so it is not likely he noticed this.

A few hours after having breakfast, the hobbits stopped and took out all of their cooking supplies. Strider, however, was oblivious to this and continued on.

After traveling a few miles, he realized it was quiet. Strider turned around to see how the hobbits and Bill were, and discovered that they were gone. Annoyed, Strider walked back a couple of miles until he discovered the hobbits sitting next to Bill and eating.

"Gentlemen! We are not supposed to stop until nightfall!"

"What about breakfast?" Pippin asked.

"You've already had it!" Strider said

"Well we've had one yes, what about second breakfast?" Pippin grinned at the thought of second breakfast.

Strider, not used to these hobbit customs, rolled his eyes. "Just follow me…" Strider turned around and started walking as the hobbits packed up.

"I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip." Merry said as he reassuringly patted Pippin on the shoulder.

"What about elevenses? Lunch? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?" Poor Pippin looked to be on the verge of tears, fearing that he would barely eat.

Merry sighed and looked at his cousin, "I wouldn't count on it." Suddenly, an apple fell from "the sky". Merry caught it quickly and grinned, then gave it to Pippin.

As Merry went off to follow Strider, another apple fell and hit Pippin in the head. A little scared, Pippin went over to Frodo and Sam, who had just finished packing.

"Guys…the sky is falling" Pippin gulped fearfully after saying this.

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed as Frodo grinned. "Of course it is, my young cousin. Now lets go find the king, shall we?" Frodo, being completely OOC just to make a Chicken Little reference, grinned and walked off with Pippin, Sam, and Bill. However, upon hearing Frodo's comment Strider stopped in his tracks, then shrugged and continued.

****************************************************************

After a few more hours of traveling, the group soon found themselves walking through the Midgewater Marshes. The midges, which gave the marsh the name, were little bugs that apparently loved to feast on hobbit.

"What do they eat when they can't get hobbit?!" exclaimed Merry.

"Well, funny you should ask," replied one of the midges. "I'll tell you!"

The lights around that midge dimmed, save for a spotlight, while the other midges gathered around him and formed a chorus. The music started faintly, and the alto members of the midge chorus sang first, echoed by the sopranos, and after four lines the main midge would sing.

_He's going to tell! _(_He's going to tell!_)  
_He's going to tell! _(_He's going to tell!_)  
_He's going to tell! _(_He's going to tell!_)  
_He's going to tell! _(_He's going to tell!_)

_When hobbits are not around,  
__And no good food can be found,  
__We won't have to starve an amazing feat  
__We'll just eat other meat! _

_We'll eat man! _(_We'll eat man!_)  
_We'll eat wizard! _(_We'll eat wizard!_)  
_We'll eat dwarf! _(_We'll eat dwarf!_)  
_We won't eat elf! _(_We won't eat elf!_)

_So you see, person with furry feet,  
__We'll…eat…other…meat!!!!!!!!!!_

The midges then ended the number with jazz hands and extremely rehearsed poses, only to discover that the group left, mostly because all they could hear was buzzing, and because the midges were so small that even the hobbits couldn't tell they were putting on a well rehearsed musical number.

The main midge kicked the air in frustration. "Oh bugger!"

**********************************************************

The group was walking in a clear field, with the exception of a hill in the center of the field that had something built on it.

"This was the great watchtower of Amon Sul," said Strider as he turned back to the others. "We shall rest here tonight."

They made camp at a small sheltered area near steps leading to the topmost part of Amon Sul, referred to as Weathertop. To make up for not getting hobbit-sized weapons from Tom Bombadil, Strider gave the hobbits small swords that randomly appeared out of nowhere.

"Keep them close," Strider said referring to the weapons, "I'm going to have a look around. Stay here." And with that, Strider went off.

***********************************************************

Frodo actually tried to get rest while Strider was gone. He was woken up at night by the voices of his hobbit companions.

"Want a tomato, Sam?" asked Merry

"Of course" replied Sam.

"I'd like some too please!" said Pippin.

"What are you doing?!" shouted Frodo at seeing the fire they used to cook.

"Your mother—I mean, tomatos, sausage, and nice crispy bacon" said Merry.

"We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo!" Sam held out a plate for Frodo as he said this.

"Put it out, you fools," cried Frodo, "put it out!"

"Oh that's nice;" Pippin exclaimed, "ash on my tomatos!"

The silence of the night was pierced by a blood-curtailing shriek.

The hobbits looked over the edge of where the camp was and saw five Black Riders riding towards the hill. They quickly drew their swords as Frodo yelled, "go!" The hobbits ran up the steps and came to Weathertop. They stood in the middle in a sort of circle, moving around quickly to make sure that they would be alerted if they saw a Wraith.

Frodo saw one first, but was too scared to speak. The Black Rider walked up quietly and pulled out his sword, only making a noise when he stepped onto the ground of Weathertop. The hobbits turned around, and saw five Wraiths walking towards them, holding long swords.

"No, don't say that!" the Wraith known as the Witch King yelled at the Narrator.

Don't say what? The Narrator was confused.

"You said we were holding long swords. That is a complete double entendre and might attract Tom Bombadil…" The Witch King shuddered. "You weren't there the last time I met him, you don't know what he was like!"

Well, you don't have to worry about him, as he is trying to kill Narrator #1 at the moment. May I return to the plot now?

"Oh, alright I suppose."

Thank you. Now, the Wraiths walked slowly and menacingly toward the hobbits, ready to kill.

"Back you devils!" Sam cried as he had a brief fight with one of the Wraiths, but soon he was pushed over, as were Merry and Pippin.

Frodo, at first ready to fight, got scared and moved backwards, however he tripped and fell. He knew he would surely be killed, so he took out the Ring in an effort to turn invisible and escape. However, he should have remembered that the Ring would attract them even more.

The leader of the Wraiths, the Witch King, walked toward Frodo, holding his sword out. Frodo was about to be stabbed when he put the Ring on.

Suddenly, he could see what the Nazgul actually looked like. Let's just say they were more attractive without the Ring on. They were clad in white, and their skin was the same shade. It was clear that they pulled off black better than white. With white, you could see every detail of their skeletal features. Frodo would have preferred their shadowy form than that.

"Ahem" said the Witch King, annoyed.

Sorry. Anyway, the Witch King reached for the Ring on Frodo's hand. Frodo quickly pulled his hand back. Offended that the halfling would not help make the Wraiths' job easier, the Witch King stabbed his shoulder.

Suddenly, Strider appeared out of nowhere and fired on the Wraiths. Literally, he had a torch and started setting the Black Riders on fire. Frodo took the Ring off and screamed in pain. Sam, rushed to his side first, followed by Merry and Pippin shortly afterwards.

Once all the Wraiths had been burned and sent to a hospital in Mordor, Strider went over to Frodo to see how badly he was injured. "He's been stabbed by a Morgal blade," Strider said as he looked at the sword the Witch King stabbed Frodo with. "This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine, hurry!"

The group ran off, with Strider carrying Frodo and Sam holding Bill's reigns. Speaking of Bill, I thought it would be good to mention that even though he was removed from the last scene due to contractual obligations about fight scenes, he is back in the story and is also signed up for another movie set to come out in late 2009. You can preorder your tickets now for The Adventures of Bill: The Pony Working for the CIA. 

As this chapter wraps up, we must ask ourselves…will Frodo survive the wound? Will the group make it to Rivendell ("Even though we're six days away and we'll never make it!" cried Sam)? Will people start to preorder their tickets for Bill's new movie? And what of his love interest, Megan? Will people object to see that Bill's fiancée is actually a human girl, created purely to attract a male audience? These questions and more will be answered next week, on the new episode of The Lord of the Rings: It's a TV Show Now Too.


	7. Flight to the Ford

Chapter Seven: Flight to the Ford

When we last left off, Frodo was stabbed by a wraith…and now his survival hangs in the balance. As the Narrator said this, dramatic music played. The Narrator waited for it to finish, then continued.

The travelers were now in Troll County and were surrounded by three huge stone trolls. These trolls were the very ones that tried to kill Bilbo, 60 years before. However, they now resembled statues, mostly because they were covered by bird droppings.

"Look, Frodo," said Sam, "its Mr. Bilbo's trolls!"

Frodo would have cared enough to say something any other time; however as he was in serious pain the only thing he could do was whimper.

"Is he going to die?" Pippin asked Strider, worriedly.

Strider dramatically turned to Pippin and said, "he's passing into the shadow world; he'll soon become a wraith like them."

Frodo gasped and whimpered.

"Sam, do you know the athelas plant?" Strider asked

"Athelas? What is it?" Sam

"It's a plant used for healing, but the name is not important. How about kingsfoil?"

Sam tried to think of what kind of plants he tended to while gardening. However, all he could really remember while gardening was that he had a very nice view of Rosie Cotton's bedroom window from the garden. He remembered her getting ready for bed. He remembered her slowly taking her dress off. He remembered her standing directly in front of the window and taking her bra off, revealing her huge-- Suddenly Sam remembered. "Aye, that's a weed!"

"It may help to slow the poison, hurry!" With that, Strider and Sam went off.

While the others were gone, Merry and Pippin were left alone with Frodo and were trying to make him feel better as best they could. Suddenly, they heard horse hooves. It did not seem to come from a Black Rider's horse though; it seemed lighter. At the moment, the hooves stopped, and a man approached the hobbits.

"_Mae govannen_. I am Glorfindel of Rivendell. I have come to bring you to Rivendell, to the House of Elrond."

"Merry?" Pippin whispered, not taking his eyes off Glorfindel.

"What?" Merry replied

"Does he look real to you?"

"I'm not sure…throw that rock at him, see what he does."

Upon Merry's command, Pippin threw a rock at Glorfindel, who was able to dodge it due to his Elven nimbleness.

"What was that for?! I'm trying to save your friend's life!" Glorfindel cried in dismay.

"Sorry," Merry explained, "we just needed to make sure you were a real elf."

Glorfindel sighed and muttered under his breath "stupid hobbits…"

**************************************************************

As they looked for the plants, Strider quickly called to Sam, "I've got it, Sam!" So Strider took out his knife and began to cut the plant, when suddenly a sword was put to his neck.

"What's this, a ranger caught of his guard?" a female voice asked.

Strider turned around just as Sam arrived, and they saw a beautiful female elf.

"Arwen." Strider said with a smile.

"Hello Estel." The elf, named Arwen, grinned at Strider, and then looked at Sam.

"This is Samnotsowise Gamgee from the Shire," Strider explained.

"Pleasure to meet you, Samnotsowise." Arwen nodded at him.

"Call me Sam, miss." Sam bowed slightly as he said this, awed to see an elf.

"We must get back to Frodo, he needs us." Strider turned around as he said this, with Sam and Arwen following him.

*********************************************************

"I have been looking for you for nine days" Glorfindel said to Merry, Pippin, and Frodo.

"I have been looking for you for nine days" Arwen said to Strider and Sam as they made their way back to Frodo.

"There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know." Glorfindel and Arwen said this at the same time as they all met up. "You!" they cried in unison.

"I thought I got rid of you!" Glorfindel said as he glared at her.

"You can never get rid of me, I'm Elven royalty." Arwen glared right back at Glorfindel.

"I've fought a balrog, unlike you who has done nothing but sit at home and look pretty!" Glorfindel uttered a curse in Elvish, as he knew that if he spoke it in the Common Tongue it would have been censored.

Strider stepped between Arwen and Glorfindel. "_That_ was not so courteous. Now you two: stop fighting and figure out how we can save Frodo!"

The elves sighed and then went over to Frodo.

Realizing that she did not introduce herself, Arwen smiled at Frodo and spoke in Elvish. "Frodo, _Im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad_"

Frodo, at this point quite sure that he was dreaming, reached out in an attempt to grab her chest.

"Woah, woah, woah! Back off, midgit!" Arwen yelled as she pulled back, while everyone else snickered.

"Frodo, I don't mean to be rude but…please keep your hands off my girl." Strider said. Strider then placed the athelas in Frodo's wound, making Frodo feel slightly better.

"We must get him to Rivendell," Glorfindel said.

"To the house of my father" Arwen added. "And I'll take him."

"Not a chance!" cried Glorfindel. "I will take him."

"No, I'm taking him."

"This is the job of a male, Arwen." Glorfindel said with a smug look on his face.

As he said that, Arwen raised her hand to smack him the face when Strider grabbed her hand and stopped her. "I have a suggestion," he said. "Why don't we just let Frodo ride on Asfolath? He knows the way to Rivendell." Strider looked over at Asfolath, Glorfindel's horse.

"Well…alright, I suppose" Glorfindel said as Arwen shrugged

"Ok." Strider said with a nod as he lifted up Frodo, walked over to Asfolath, and placed him on the horse's back.

Suddenly, they all heard a screech.

"The enemy is upon us! Go, Asfolath, go!" Glorfindel cried.

Just as the horse started to run, Arwen quickly jumped on top of him, and they galloped away towards Rivendell. "So long, sucker!" she yelled to Glorfindel. "Bye honey, I love you!" she called and waved to Strider. "bye hobbits!" And with that, she was gone.

"HEY! Why you…you…gah! _Tevenyel_!" Glorfindel yelled angrily and cursed in elvish. Then, he came up with an idea. "Wait, she must have brought a horse to get here, I'll just follow her on it!"

So Glorfindel searched and eventually did find the horse, and shortly he galloped after Arwen, intent on getting his role back.

******************************************************

Arwen traveled many miles on her journey to Rivendell. She assumed that Glorfindel was following her, so she kept going fast, not even thinking about the Nazgul.

"You know what sucks, Frodo?" Arwen said.

Frodo was unable to do anything but whimper at this point, so he mentally yelled: "This does!"

"Well I know what sucks: I have to battle pure evil in order to get recognize as anything more than a pretty face. It's not fair! I mean, yes I'm attractive, but guys only look at me as just a pretty elf, especially Estel! I'll show them! Come on Frodo, we can do this!" As she said that, she pulled the reins slightly make the horse go faster.

"Get me out of here…" thought Frodo.

"So, how has your day been?" Arwen asked

Frodo only whimpered in response.

"That bad, huh? Want to talk about it?"

Frodo whimper again.

"You know you're not very talkative."

Frodo whimpered yet again then nodded toward his wound

"Oh right, you've been stabbed! That explains it! Ok I'll stop now." Much to the relief of Frodo, Arwen stopped talking.

Suddenly, there was a screech, and moments later there was another. Arwen looked to her left and right and saw two Black Riders behind the trees. She also heard another cry…

"ARWEN!!! GIVE ME BACK MY ROLE!"

No…it couldn't be…but it was…Glorfindel had indeed been following them. She no longer cared if the Wraiths got Frodo or not, but she would never give Glorfindel back his role.

"_Naro lim, Asfolath_!" Arwen cried as she heard another screech. She looked behind her and saw five Wraiths. Behind them was a very pissed off elf. Arwen quickly thought of a plan to get rid of him.

"Hey Glorfindel, I'll give you back your role when you give me back those thongs you stole from me!" Arwen smirked; she knew this would stop him in his tracks. She continued forward as all the Black Riders gathered together and were closely behind her.

It was true, Glorfindel did stop short, but only for a moment. Then he followed her and was riding right next to the Wraiths. "It's not my fault Estel finds your underwear more attractive on me than you!"

Arwen was now furious; Glorfindel was confident on getting his role back; the Nazgul were confused as to why they weren't paid as much attention in this scene as they should be; and poor Frodo wanted nothing more than to kill everybody in the scene and keep his shiny ring.

One of the Nazgul reached for Frodo, and Frodo wanted nothing more than to shout: "Oh please kidnap me, I don't care what you do to me, but get me away from HER! She is a psycho!" However, all Frodo could do was moan in pain.

"_Naro lim, Asfolath_!" Arwen cried to escape the Nazgul and Glorfindel.

"And another thing, that's my horse you're riding!" Glorfindel cried.

They were almost at the Ford of Bruinen now; Arwen could see it! She tugged the reins to make Asfolath move slightly faster, and finally she crossed the Ford.

The Nazgul and Glorfindel stopped at the otherside of the river. The Nazgul were wondering why an elf was with them, however they could sense his malice towards the she-elf that they didn't bother with him, even though they wanted to.

"Give up the halfling, ("And my role!" cried Glorfindel), she-elf!" the Witch-King yelled.

"Glorfindel, you are NEVER getting the role back. It's MY turn for fame! As for the halfling, if you want him, come and claim him!" Arwen took out her sword menacingly as she said this. She also did many sophisticated poses that she thought could attract the male reader of this story, however that really has nothing to do with the plot so I will not mention it further.

The Witch-King and Glorfindel were about to cross when the other Nazgul stopped them.

"Wait guys, I'm not so sure about this…" said Nazgul #2.

"Me neither, you know I can't swim without my floaties!" cried Nazgul #3

"You idiots, we are supposed to get the halfling! He has the Ring!" cried the Witch-King

"Albert, this isn't a good idea and you know it." Said Nazgul #5 as Nazgul #4 nodded in agreement.

The Witch-King rolled his eyes. "I told you never to call me that!"

"Like it matters! You know you are way to obsessed with being evil." Nazgul #7 said as he started tearing up. "I never even wanted to do this! Before Sauron gave me that ring, I wanted to be…a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree! In the mighty forest of Fangorn! With my Ent-wife by my side, we'd sing, sing…

_I'm a lumberjack and not a Wraith;  
I'd sleep all night and never screech!  
__(He's a lumberjack and not a Wraith;  
he'd sleep all night and never screech!)_

"SHUT UP!" cried the Witch-King. "All of you, SHUT UP!"

"Dream crusher…" muttered Nazgul #7

"I think we should get the halfling!" Nazgul #6 shouted excitedly.

"Excellent, at least one of you is thinking right!" The Witch-King said, relieved that somebody at least had his wits about him.

"He really is soooo dreamy! I mean, I'm not usually into short men, but that halfling is just…WOAH!" Nazgul #6 said while raising his eyebrows.

The Witch-King wanted to vomit right then and there. "Look, 6, I'm not sure what your sexual preference or gender actually is, but I don't care, we took an oath to not let that get into our field of work! Now, can we please get the damn hobbit?!"

"No comprendo! No hablo ingles! ¿Quién es usted?! ¿Dónde estoy?! Aye, ayudame!" shouted Nazgul #8

The Witch-King sighed and muttered, "I told Sauron to get him a tutor to help him speak the common tongue, but did he listen? No, of course he didn't…" He sighed again. "Hey, 9, what do you think we should do?"

Nazgul #9 turned slowly toward the Witch-King. "Shiiiiiirrrrreeee…Baaaaaggggggggiiiinnnnsss…"

"You think we should get the halfling!?" The Witch-King cried, hope that at least one of his comrades knew what he was talking about.

"Shiiiiiirrrrreeee…Baaaaaggggggggiiiinnnnsss…" Nazgul #9 said again.

"Yes you've already said that. Should we get him?" the Witch-King asked.

"Excuse me, sir," said Nazgul #4, "but nobody must have told you. You see we don't have many lines in the trilogy, save for you, so most of us can only say a few things. According to the contract in Clause A Section B, poor Nazgul #9 can only say 'Shiiiiiirrrrreeee…Baaaaaggggggggiiiinnnnsss…' for the rest of his life. It's a bit of a problem really; his fiancée left him at the alter when he could only say 'Shiiiiiirrrrreeee…Baaaaaggggggggiiiinnnnsss…' instead of 'I do'. We tried to explain the problem to her, but she wouldn't listen. So now he barely even says 'Shiiiiiirrrrreeee…Baaaaaggggggggiiiinnnnsss…' anymore, he's just too heartbroken." As Nazgul #4 finished, the Witch-King's head fell into his hands. "Why, Sauron? Why did you have to do this to me?"

The Witch-King then had an idea. "You, elf!" he called to Glorfindel. "do you think we should go after the hobbit?"

"Of course!" Glorfindel replied, though all he really wanted to do was get Arwen. "I say we charge now!"

"Who knew, and elf has more sense than 8 Nazgul…" the Witch-King muttered under his breath. "Well, the elf is right! Nazgul, CHARGE!"

After groaning in protest, the Nazgul (and Glorfindel) charged. By that time however, Arwen had already contacted her father, and at that moment he sent a flood from the river. The Nazgul had disappeared under the water, and Glorfindel was about to sink when he cried, "you haven't seen the last of me!"

Actually, we have. Book or parody, this is the only part you play. This actually is the last time we see you, the Narrator explained.

Glorfindel sunk under the river, however his hand shot up from under the water, gave the Narrator the finger, then disappeared.

Frodo was passed out at this point, even though Arwen didn't notice because she had been sniggering at the Nazgul.

"Oh crud! Frodo, I forgot all about you! Why didn't you remind that I was supposed to be protecting you?! Gosh, that was really stupid of you!" Arwen yelled at his unconscious body. Suddenly, it occurred to Arwen that he might be dead. She hugged him tight and whispered to Eru, "What grace has given me, let it pass to him, let him be spared. Save him. In other words, get my father here. NOW." By some miracle, Elrond did appear and took Frodo to Rivendell, with his life hanging in the balance…

****************************************************

And now, we must cut this chapter short for an exclusive interview with the stars of The Adventures of Bill: The Pony Working for the CIA, please welcome Bill the Pony and Eowyn of Rohan!

**Bill**: -neighs in a greeting way-

**Eowyn**: Hello, it's a pleasure to be here.

**Narrator/Interviewer-who-had-his-identity-concealed-in-case-Tom Bombadil-was–looking-for-him**: It's great to have you here! Tell me, Eowyn, how was it working on your first breakout movie?

**E**: it was amazing, really. I love horses, so it was a good opportunity to work with Bill.

**B**: -thinking- _A horse?! She called me a **horse**?! How dare she?! It's Bill the Pony! Not horse! _

**N/I-W-H-H-I-C-I-C-TB-W-L-F-H**: Aw that's great, that's great, Bill is just such a cute little horsey. Now, give me details about the sex scene.

**E**: Umm sir there was no sex scene.

**N/I**-**W**-**H**-**H**-**I**-**C**-**I**-**C**-**TB**-**W**-**L**-**F**-**H**: Oh don't be shy! Come now, tell us!

**E**: No seriously, there was never a sex scene, not even in the first draft of the script.

**N/I**-**W**-**H**-**H**-**I**-**C**-**I**-**C**-**TB**-**W**-**L**-**F**-**H**: Oh of course, that is a great thing to say for a family friendly interview such as this! Now, lets get back to that sex scene. It is on the unrated cut of the film, correct?

**E**: No, its not. There is no sex scene.

**N/I**-**W**-**H**-**H**-**I**-**C**-**I**-**C**-**TB**-**W**-**L**-**F**-**H**: Yes, of course, my lady. Now Bill…what did you think of the sex scene?

**B**: -thinking- _Like I'd sleep with that? No way. She's too human. _

**E**: That's it, interview over, come on Bill.

And with that, Lady Eowyn walked out of the room holding Bill's reins, but not before smacking me—I mean, the interview who shall not be mentioned—in the face. That is all for now, good night, and be sure to find out about whatever is going on with Frodo and his pals on their exciting adventure! As if anyone is interested in that…


	8. Many Meetings

Chapter Eight: Many Meetings

Hello, boys and girls, this is Narrator #2 speaking! I would just like to pause and take a moment to speak with you all. You see, we have finally reached the halfway point in our story. As Tolkien once put it, this would be book two. No, not the Two Towers, I mean book two of the Fellowship of the Ring. Book two of book one, if you will.

The point is, this is the halfway point. If the book were a glass, it would be half full. Or half empty if you're a pessimist. I personally think those pessimistic bastards should all be shot, and maybe tortured. They should have their livers removed and fed to the lions. Then they should all watch the lions feed on their livers. Oh, those kinds of thoughts make me giggle like a schoolgirl! However, if I said any of those things out loud I would probably be put away in the Happy Home Asylum, and I can tell you it is NOT a happy home. The Narrator paused and shuddered at the last time he resided—I mean, visited the place. The Narrator also chuckled nervously, as he thought they might be onto him…

Anyway, like I said, the book is halfway done. It's almost over. I just—I can't believe it. Hold on a minute, I think something is in my eye, because I'm tearing up. Oh there must be pollen in the air, as I'm sniffling and tearing up at the same time. But this parody, which I have worked so hard to read to you, which I have dedicated my entire life to, is…is…

At this point, the Narrator burst into loud sobs. He fell to the floor and began violently shaking. Please hold for a moment while we have an intermission, during which we shall present to you four naked hobbits running around on grass.

************************************************************

"Wee!" cried Frodo "I feel so free!"

"At least you feel free, Mr. Frodo, I would very much like my trousers back." Sam was very sensitive about his body, especially around other naked men.

"Same here Sam, running just doesn't feel comfortable like this, if you know what I mean," said Pippin nervously.

"Oh come on, Pip," said Merry, "its not like you have anything that might bounce a lot." Merry snickered and winked "Eh, eh, know what I mean? Haha say no more!"

"Hey!" cried Pippin. "At least mine is longer." Pippin said with a smirk.

"Not by much, besides mine is thicker." Merry replied

"Oi, you two that will be enough! We only have a PG 13 rating, would you like to move it to R? Or even X? And Mr. Frodo, please sir stop looking at me like that, you're only inspiring more slash." Sam shuddered at the thought of that horrible fanfiction.

Frodo just waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Sam.

_Think, Samnotsowise,_ Sam said to himself, _you are straight. Picture Rosie Cotton naked…Rosie Cotton naked…but Mr. Frodo is right here…you know he does have a good body…what am I saying?! Get a hold of yourself, Sam…_

Frodo then took the opportunity to attack his prey, metaphorically of course, except on certain body parts but that will be covered in the extended edition of this parody, coming to DVD December 12th. Anyway, Frodo tried to jump on top of Sam, but Sam quickly moved out of the way.

"No way, Mr. Frodo, sir. No, stop!" Sam began to run, and Frodo followed him, with a look of lust in his eyes.

While watching this chase, and after quietly giggling for several minutes, Pippin turned to Merry. "Hey, Merry…would you like to come back to my place?" Pippin asked Merry nervously.

Merry smirked. "I thought you'd never ask." And with that, the two walked off, leaving Sam running for his life— err, virginity—away from Frodo.

And now, we would like to end this intermission as the Narrator as just stopped crying.

*********************************************************

The Narrator got up, wiped away his tears, and continued talking to the readers as if nothing ever happened.

Thank you for waiting. I would just like to talk to you about my dear cousin, Narrator #1. My cousin was attacked in his home last week by an unknown assailant, whom I know to be Tom Bombadil. However, if I said that people would think I'm crazy, so I cannot admit the truth. He survived, however he has severe head trauma. Unfortunately he now thinks he is his own attacker, Tom Bombadil. He has even started to grow a beard, convinced himself that his straight jacket is actually bright blue instead of off white, and that his black slippers and really yellow boots. He also sings constantly, and rocks back and forth with a dazed look in his eye.

I would like to announce that because of this, I am retiring from my narrational duties. Now, I am not sure who is taking my place, but I know that Tom Bombadil is on the loose and ready to kill, so good luck to Narrator #3…whoever he might be…

With that, Narrator #2 nodded at the audience, and went to the door of his study. He looked around the room one last time, storing the image of his mahogany desk, with papers and books all over it, in his memory. He then took out a locket in his pocket and tied the chain around his doorknob. Then, he flicked the light switch, and closed the door, never to return.

The editor: Hello, I am very sorry to interrupt this story again, but we are now making contracts with the new Narrator #3. Narrator #2 was going to get fired, so I'm glad he quit when he did. Anyway, let us go take a look at what's happening now.

We move now to a dark room. Hushed voices can be heard, as well as this conveniently placed voice, which people would think is the new Narrator, however it is just a voice recording. Let's listen in…

"Why would I do it? What if…he kills me?"

"Listen, as the chief editor of this parody, I can assure you we will protect you no matter what. I doubt that he will attack you though, sir, seeing as who you are."

"True, but I'm not sure. All right, I'll make a deal: two chapters, then I'm out. Also, I would like to have one of the chapters named after me, an important one, maybe it should come up while I narrate it."

"Wait a minute…how about a council instead?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Would you like a chapter named after a council that we will name after you? Please, it will sound much more sophisticated."

"Indeed it does…alright, I will do it!"

*********************************************************

The scene changes to a room with a fireplace. The brand new camera, used now for taping the beginning, and most likely best part of these chapters, focuses on the fire. The camera then moves slowly to the left, finally stopping on a man sitting in a comfortable maroon chair, and who at that moment is taking a sip of wine from an elegant crystal wine glass. The man has long brown hair, and what looks like a gold tiara on his head. He is wearing elegant robes. In fact, everything about this man is so elegant, that his name should be "Elegant". However, it is not, it is something much more flattering.

Hello, strangers from distant lands, friends of old, I am Lord Elrond. I am also the new Narrator. Welcome to 'The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style'! This will be the most amazing part of the story…because I am in it. The Narrator, or actually I, chuckled and gave a look that said, 'I am more awesome than you are.' Anyway, I will stop referring to myself in the first person after this sentence. The Narrator quickly straightened up, took out the book he was going to read aloud, and began where Narrator #2 left off.

*********************************************************

After being wounded by the Black Riders and being rescued, Frodo finally woke up. "Where am I?" he asked in a daze.

"You are in the House of Elrond. Also known as the Last Homely House. It is not homely, per se, however it is meant to feel comfortable. You know it really depends on your opinion if you think it's homely or not, I don't think so though. Anyway, it is ten o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th. It is the year 3018, however I'm not sure what it would be by Shire Reckoning, but you're a hobbit and you can figure that out yourself. It is now ten oh one, actually. The time, I mean. And by the way, good morning Frodo, I hope I haven't missed out much." Gandalf grinned at the hobbit.

"Oh no, you haven't missed out on anything…" Frodo said sarcastically. "What happened, Gandalf? You said you'd meet us! Did you need a map or something? You could have just conjured one up, you're a wizard!"

"Relax, young hobbit. I'm sorry, but…I was delayed." As Gandalf said this, he suddenly went into a flashback. Frodo didn't notice and babbled about how annoyed he was at Gandalf.

********************************************************

Gandalf thought back to a few nights ago, where he is on top of a tower. No, not _that_ kind of tower, but Orthanc, home of Saruman. Saruman is up there too. He is no longer wearing white robes; his robes are a mixture of bright pink, blue, purple, fuchsia, and even chartreuse. It looks like someone has placed his robes in with the colored laundry, however that is impossible seeing as washing machines were not yet invented. Anybody from that time period would have thought a young child painted Saruman's robes. But no, Saruman chose for his robes to be that way, for he was now Saruman of Many Colors. The robes are supposed to make him evil, but they actually make him look like digested cotton candy.

"It is over, Gandalf." Saruman said threateningly. "Embrace the power of the Ring, or embrace your own destruction." Using his magic staff, Saruman held Gandalf off the edge of tower, without even moving away from the center.

"There is only one Lord of the Rings. Only one who can bend it to his will. And he shares power as much as he shares crayons." Suddenly, Gandalf spotted Gwahir, Lord of the Eagles, who was conveniently flying next to the tower. Gandalf ran off and jumped onto Gwahir's back.

Saruman was in shock. "Is he gone?" he thought out loud. "Oh my gosh, he's finally gone! Thank Eru! Oh happy day, Gandalf is gone!"

Gandalf would have been gone, seeing as Gwahir didn't notice him until he was about to him the ground, and thankfully Gandalf was saved. Gwahir flew past the tower, while Gandalf yelled, "You can never kill me, Saruman!"

Saruman was pissed. "We'll see about that…"

******************************************************

As Gandalf was brought back to reality, he heard Frodo finishing up his speech about how annoyed he was. "Now try that with 2 ferrets and 12 gladiators, and you'll see how I feel!"

Gandalf did not know what Frodo meant by that, but simply nodded apologetically.

"Mr. Frodo!" cried the voice of Sam, who had just run in and grabbed Frodo's hand. "Bless you, you're awake!"

"Sam! Oh I had the most interesting dream about you!" Frodo chuckled at the ridiculousness of his dream about them running naked on the grass.

"Oh really? What was it about, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked curiously.

"Well, in the dream, we were all naked and running around on some grass, and then I started chasing you and tried to—well I think you can figure out the rest. It was so weird!"

"Mr. Frodo, that happened two weeks ago."

Frodo then paled and looked away from Sam, and thankfully another man walked into the room.

"By the skills of Lord Elrond, Frodo, you're beginning to mend." Gandalf looked at the new man in the room, who was actually an elf.

"Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins."

"Oh my goodness, it's Narrator #3, Lord Elrond!" Frodo cried in amazement.

Lord Elrond was taken aback. "I'm sorry, sir, but you must have me confused with someone else."

"No, it's definitely you." Frodo replied. "You're narrating this parody for two chapters, according to contractual agreements." As Frodo said this, Elrond paled.

"Look, I am Lord Elrond and just Lord Elrond." Elrond gave him a death glare, which translated meant, 'say another word and you're dead.' Frodo understood this, and stopped talking.

********************************************************

Once Frodo was comfortable enough to start walking in general and walking with Sam, he and Sam walked around Rivendell. Frodo admired all of the amazing sights, which reminded him slightly of the Shire, just it was more sophisticated and less food obsessed.

Shortly, Frodo and Sam ran into Merry and Pippin, whom Frodo hugged tightly before remembering the dream, well reality technically. Frodo shuddered internally at the memory, but didn't say anything. Frodo then turned his head and saw a familiar yet older hobbit.

"Bilbo!" Frodo cried, and he ran over happily.

"Hello, Frodo lad!" Bilbo hugged his younger cousin. "How are you, my boy? Are you going to Elrond's feast tonight?"

"Yes I am, I can't wait! Sam, Merry and Pippin are going as well."

"Yes, well I've seen enough of them lately, trust me. It's you I've been dying to talk to!" Bilbo grinned at Frodo, whom he had really missed. "Did I tell you I finish my book?"

"No you didn't! That's wonderful! May I see it?" Frodo asked excitedly

"Of course, I keep it with me in case of occasions like this." And with that, Bilbo took out his book from thin air. Frodo did not know how that happened, but as with anything to do with Bilbo he dare not question it.

Frodo took the book in his hands and read the title out loud. "There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins" Frodo flipped through the pages. He noticed the chapter titles, such as "The Unexpected Party", "Riddles in the Dark", and "Queer Lodgings". Frodo also discovered a few other chapters, such as "Discovering My True Gender", and "One Night in Balin". Frodo gagged, however Bilbo did not notice.

"You know I meant to go back." Bilbo said. "See Mirkwood, and the Lonely Mountain…but age, it seems, has finally caught up with me. I don't understand it though. I was fine until Gandalf took my Ring. Ever since then, I've been aging. I miss it. I would have like to have held it again one last time." Bilbo sighed.

The Ring, of course, heard this and spoke to Frodo in his head.

_Oh no, not again! If you think you're a terrible Ring bearer Frodo, and no offense but you are, he is __**worse**__! Not as bad as that thing that called me his precious though, what was that thing anyway? Never mind, don't tell me, I don't even want to know. It probably was an elf of some sort. Now do me a favor, could you give me back to one of my friends? You've met them; they're the Black Riders. Please Frodo? PLEASEEEEEEEE?_

Seeing as Frodo was in an Elven paradise, he ignored the Ring, much to its annoyance.

"But it's alright," Bilbo said, "I know realize what a trouble it is, and I don't miss it at all. I actually feel better now that it's gone. I don't hear that annoying voice anymore, I assume it's the Ring now; I'd always thought I was going crazy!" Bilbo chuckled, then got lost in his own thoughts.

After a little while, Frodo left Bilbo, and went off to get ready for Elrond's feast. However, as he walked back to his room, he noticed Sam outside packing.

"Packed already?" Frodo asked.

"No harm in being prepared." Sam replied.

"I thought you wanted to see the elves, Sam."

"I do."

"More than anything." Frodo grinned slightly this time

"I did." Sam sighed. "It's just…we did what Gandalf wanted, didn't we? We got the Ring this far to Rivendell, and I thought, seeing as though you're on the mend, we'd be off soon. Off home." Sam looked at Frodo, and Frodo could see how much Sam missed the Shire. Frodo missed it too.

"You're right, Sam. The Ring will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to go home." Frodo smiled, and walked off with Sam.

************************************************************

Meanwhile, Elrond and Gandalf had been watching the exchange from the window of Elrond's library. The both had grave looks on their faces, as if they were in the middle of a serious conversation. Finally, Elrond turned to Gandalf.

"They didn't kiss, you owe me 200 pieces of gold!" Elrond said to Gandalf, extremely happy. "Pay up!"

Gandalf rolled his eyes, then handed Elrond a bad filled with the gold. "Elrond, about Frodo, I know his strength returns, but that wound will never fully heal. He will carry it the rest of his life."

"Yet to have come so far still bearing the Ring, the hobbit has shown extraordinary resilience to it's evil. Doesn't he hear it? Hell, even I can hear it! It's very insulting you know, gives me a great headache." Elrond said to Gandalf.

"It is a burden he should never have had to bear. We can ask no more of Frodo. He does hear it, quite often. I think that was the reason he and Sam…well never mind that."

"Gandalf, the Eye of the enemy is moving. Sauron's forces are massing in the East; his eye is fixed on Rivendell! And Saruman, you tell me has betrayed us. I really do not understand the color change though. Hasn't anybody ever told him he seems a bit queer, and not in the least bit evil?"

"I did, and I got imprisoned on top of Orthanc. I think maybe we shouldn't let him know, even better let Sauron tell him." Gandalf chuckled

"Oh, that would be a sight. I wonder how the orcs still listen to him when he looks that ridiculous! They would probably listen to me better!" Elrond started laughing very hard.

"Actually, Elrond, there's something I should tell you…" However, Elrond could not stop laughing. His eyes wearing tearing, his stomach was hurting, and he had just fallen to the floor. Oh, he was so happy! The laughter, it just couldn't stop hahahahaha! Oh my gosh, I am—I mean, Elrond, is just so funny! Ha! Haha!

"Elrond…Narrator #3…"

"Hahahaha!" Hahahaha! Haha!

"I slept with Celebrian!" With that, both parties shut up, and Elrond glared.

"You did WHAT?!"

"Calm down, Elrond, I was only trying to get you to stop laughing, you and Narrator #3." Keep in mind: Gandalf had not yet noticed that Elrond was in fact Narrator #3.

Anyway, Elrond had relaxed and stopped laughing. "Sorry about that, I haven't laughed for a few hundred years, so I couldn't stop. Anyway, what were you saying?"

"I have a bit of bad news…" Gandalf looked at his feet. "Well I didn't tell you, umm…"

"Dear Eru, Gandalf, you better not be professing your love for me! I'm one of the few straight people in this story you know!" Elrond said, annoyed.

"No, no, nothing like that…but I didn't tell you that Saruman has figured out how to cross orcs with goblin men, I don't want to know how, but he's breeding an army in the caverns of Isenguard; an army that can move at sunlight…and cover great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Ring." Gandalf looked up at Elrond.

Elrond looked completely baffled, then he glared at Gandalf. "You are here for days and you tell me this NOW?! Seriously, Gandalf?! Why would you do that?! That's it, the Ring cannot stay here!"

Gandalf frowned and sighed, and then he turned and looked off the conveniently placed balcony. He saw that the sun was setting. He also saw a few birds…and the clouds…and many trees with golden leaves…and Arwen and Strider undressing each other in her bedroom…and then he saw groups of people arriving. There were men, clearly from Gondor. One in particular looked familiar, but he didn't know how. He saw a group of elves arrived. Immediately he recognized Legolas, son of Thranduil, among the group. Lastly, he saw a group of dwarves. He recognized Gloin instantly, and was glad to see his old friend. Next to Gloin, he saw a younger dwarf who looked just like him, who must be his son, whom Gandalf did not know. This obviously meant that the feast would be starting soon.

************************************************************

Before meeting Bilbo for the feast, Frodo got ready with Sam, Merry and Pippin. He put on the finest attire that he had brought, and turned around to the other hobbits. "Well, how do I look?"

"Like a hobbit." Merry replied

"You've got a stain on the blouse." Pippin said matter-of-factly.

"You look beautiful, Mr. Frodo!" Sam said while looking at Frodo, who then backed away slowly.

"Well," said Frodo, "I'd say we're ready to go." With that, the hobbits got up and left for the feast.

When they arrived, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were seated next to each other, however Frodo was sitting next to a dwarf.

"Gloin at your service." The dwarf said with a deep bow.

"And Frodo Baggins at yours. Yes, I am the heir to Bilbo. No, I am 100% male. And yes, I am straight." Frodo could swear that after he said that he heard Sam crying, but ignored it.

Gloin could easily understand those answers; he had traveled with Bilbo to the Lonely Mountain, and knew the hobbit quite well. _Too_ well…but that is all explained on chapter 19 of Bilbo's book, entitled "The Result of Too Much Wine and Celebration".

Gloin shuddered at the memory, then looked at Frodo. "So, I hear you've had quite an adventure, similar to Bilbo's or better."

"Look, we didn't mean for it to happen, I swear I thought it was all a dream, I never would have touched Sam if--" Frodo stopped mid-sentence, once he realized that not only was he yelling, but the room was also very, very quite. In the back, the part of the table where Sam sat suddenly rose slightly.

Frodo chuckled awkwardly, then made up a new sentence. "I would never have touched Sam if we hadn't been playing our newly invited game, called Twister!" he chucked nervously then people began to look away, not wanting to meddle in the affairs of hobbits.

At this moment, a quite exchange took place between Gandalf and Elrond.

"I told you they touched each other!" Gandalf said with a smirk. "Pay up!"

Elrond sighed, and then finally handed over a bag full of gold coins. Elrond then turned away to hide his tears from Gandalf.

****************************************************

After the feast, Lord Elrond and Lady Arwen, whom Strider had been following with puppy dog eyes, got up and went into a room known as the Hall of Fire. Of course, since they were the hosts, everybody followed them, with almost all the males following Arwen mainly and not noticing Elrond.

Once in the hall, Frodo sat next to Bilbo and talked with him. Soon after Strider joined.

"Hello Strider" greeted Frodo.

"Hello Dunadan." Bilbo greeted Strider as well.

" 'Dunadan'? Why do you call him that?" Frodo asked.

"Because it is one of my many names" Strider replied. "I assure you, I have many."

Frodo merely chuckled as Bilbo looked at Strider. "Listen, my lad, I was wondering could you help me out with a song? I want you to hear it and tell me what you think." With that, Bilbo and Strider went off.

Frodo was left alone to his thoughts, and he thought of many things. He thought of the Shire, and when he would see it again. He thought of his ordeal at the ford, and wonder if the Wraiths and Glorfindel had survived. He thought of the dream he had…he then tried not to think of the dream he had. He thought of the council that would be going on tomorrow. He thought of birds. He thought of waterfalls. He thought of what would happen if a fish could develop wings and fly. He thought of horses, and wondered if he would even get the chance to ride one even though he was so small. He wondered if any non-hobbit lass would be attracted to him, even though he was only about 3'5. He did not think of the fangirls who actually did adore him no matter what his size was. Basically, he thought of many things.

This thinking, which continued for a very long time, suddenly ended when he heard Bilbo singing the last two lines of his song.

…_The story will go down in myth and lore,  
__Of Sam and Frodo, forever more._

People clapped and cheered; Frodo, who had no idea what the song was about, just rolled his eyes at the last lines. He didn't want to know what it was about at this rate, so he just left the party and went to sleep in his room, waiting for the council that would come in the morning.

*******************************************************

Frodo's face as well as the room he was in faded, and the conveniently placed camera mentioned previously had made a returned and went back to the scene with the fireplace. The camera showed Elrond just closing the book and placing it on the wooden table next to chair, and picked up his wine glass that was placed on the table previously.

"Well, boys and girls, that is the end of our story today. We shall pick up in time for the Council tomorrow. Goodnight, and namarie."

With that, Elrond raised his wine glass and gave a slightly nod, with a pleasant smile on his face. The camera went back to the fire, and faded out. However, the sound was still on.

"Oh thank Eru that's over with! Where's the makeup department? I need my special eyebrow comb! I also need something much stronger than this pathetic excuse for alcohol, after dealing with those hobbits don't you realize I need vodka?!" Elrond yelled all this, not aware that the audio had not been turned off, obviously.

"Sir!" cried a male voice. "We had not turned your microphone off yet."

Elrond froze, an expression of shock was on his face, however nobody could see that as the camera had moved away from him and it was dark. Finally, he began to say two words as his microphone was turned off: "Oh fu--"


	9. The Council of Elrond

**Hey everybody, I just wanted to thank you all for all the story favorites as well as the story alert I got from someone and the review =D I would name all of you but unfortunately my e-mail and I have had a bit of a disagreement I can't see who did all of that amazing stuff for me =/ But thank you all so so so much! **

**Now, I've been working on this chapter extra hard, and I want to get another chapter out as quick as I can because I'm starting my sophomore year of high school on the 9th and I don't know how busy I'll be =/ I promise that no matter what the story will go on, all the way through Return of the King! **

**So without further ado, enjoy** **reading the latest chapter of this story and please review! Thanks everybody =] **

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python. If I did, the world would be a much happier place...**

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Chapter Nine: The Council of Elrond

Everything in the room is dark. Nothing can be seen, because it was dark. There are not even stars out and there are no noises, so obviously the scene cannot be outside. However, it is very, very dark. One could lose their mind in the darkness, I mean when surrounded by nothing but darkness for hundreds and hundreds of years…it tends to take a toll on you. However, that did not happen to anyone in this story, save one person (if you can call him that), but he is not the focus now. But the point is, the room is extremely dark.

Suddenly, a light comes on. The fireplace has been lit, and the room is bright suddenly. It is a room with wooden walls and a table, and a maroon chair that the greatest lord/character/narrator of all time is sitting in. He is also feeling rather silly as he describes the scene out loud with everybody watching him. He will now begin an amazing yet short speech, which sounds nothing like any hobbit speeches that I'm sure you are accustomed to.

Hello, I am Lord Elrond, also known as Narrator 3. Welcome to another episode—I mean chapter, of "The Lord of the Rings: Monty Python Style." For those of you listening to me read this chapter, congratulations! You have not given up on this horrible parody yet. I say, you are very brave, seeing as the only reason I'm doing it for the money, and for the Council being named after me. So now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the amazing sound of my voice while I continue this story…

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When we last left off, Frodo went to bed in Rivendell and was awaiting the Council that was to take place in the morning. However, elves do not need sleep, and after all the mortals had gone to bed (except Strider, because he was raised by elves) the real party began.

"Break out the ale!"

"Get the girls!"

"Get more ale!"

"Get vodka too!"

"And more ale!"

Cries were heard throughout Rivendell, but they were said in elvish so nobody knew about all the fun they were missing.

Elrond oversaw everything. He brought in lots of alcohol for the event, and he saw all the elves were using it quickly. Elrond was also smirking at the fact that this is what elves really did, rather than make toys or bake cookies. He liked this much better. What he did not like, however, was the number of girls his sons Elladan and Elrohir were leaving the room with.

"Elladan, Elrohir, get back here young men!" Elrond called out.

"Father, we're over two thousand years old!" said Elladan.

"Give or take a few hundred years!" said Elrohir.

"I think it's time to party brother, don't you?" said Elladan, looking at his brother.

Elrohir smirked, "I agree dear brother." With that, two walked out of the room with a numerous amount of girls. However, you reader will never know what happened seeing as I absolutely will not narrate about that!

Anyway…the Narrator said with a chuckle, there was another elf sneaking off. She was looking for her mortal man. This elf was Arwen, and Arwen should not be looking for the mortal man because she is an elf and is going to sail overseas with the rest of her kind, and that is final young lady!

As the Narrator said this, Arwen look around. She could swear she heard her father's voice. Like a good girl, she should have listened and married a nice elf like Legolas son of Thranduil, but no she wants a mortal. When she comes back, Arwen will be grounded.

_I really dislike that narrator…_thought Arwen. However, she continued on her journey until she reached a bridge. There, she saw her beloved Strider standing on it, with his back towards her. She slowly went up to surprise him when she heard his voice.

"I love you, Arwen." Strider said softly.

Arwen smiled, and surprised him by replying, "And I love you, Estel."

At this, Strider jumped and screaming, "Who the hell are you?!"

"Estel, it's me, you're beloved Arwen!" Arwen said, confused.

"No you're not! This is my Arwen, this is my true love!" Strider moved aside to reveal a blonde elf…a male blonde elf…who should be dead, at least according to this godforsaken badly written story. The elf smirked at Arwen, and even though she was shocked she knew who it was immediately.

"Glorfindel, what in Eru's name do you think you're doing?!" Arwen cried

Glorfindel smirked. "I am back from the dead once again, and since you took my role, I took yours. It was not hard, as he was very drunk. He now thinks I'm you. Though I hope he realizes I'm more attractive."

Arwen moved closer to Strider and Glorfindel. She could not think of any words she could possibly say at that moment, so she did the one sensible thing any woman would have done: she pushed Glorfindel off the bridge. With a scream, Glorfindel fell, and he was nevermore to return to this parody.

"You killed my beloved!" cried Strider, however after he said this Arwen slapped him the face.

"Strider, remember me now? I can prove to you it is indeed Arwen you are speaking with. Remember when we first met? You thought you had strayed into a dream. And we…well I'm sure you remember exactly what we did, and for how many hours."

Strider grinned. "I definitely remember that, Arwen."

"Oh, so you remember me now? Well good. Do you remember what I told you?"

"Well I'm pretty sure it was, 'oh Estel, YES!' or something like that."

Arwen rolled her eyes. "No, not _that_! I meant about me binding myself to you, forsaking the immortal life of my people."

"Oh yeah!" Strider said. "Listen, about that…um I don't really know how to tell you this, but…"

Ignoring him, Arwen continued. "Well to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. I choose a mortal life."

"I know Arwen, but we really got to talk. You see the funniest thing happened, well…" Strider stopped as Arwen's necklace, the Evenstar, appeared in his hand. "You cannot give me this!" He wanted his statement to appear noble, however he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the relationship with her father pressing on them so much.

"It is mine to give to whom I will…like my heart." Before Strider could say anything, she kissed him, and he remembered why he fell in love. Strider began to get friskier, but Arwen stopped him.

"No way. You thought Glorfindel was really me. You're not getting any tonight." With that, Arwen turned around and walked away, with Strider trailing behind her.

"But Arwen!"

"Nope!"

"But--"

"Nope!"

"I--"

"Nope!"

"Please?"

"No!"

This continued until morning, and thankfully Arwen was smart enough not to do anything with a mortal, and her grounding was lifted. Strider, annoyed and exhausted, headed to the Council.

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And now, we return to the real story, which now contained one event most people would like to hear about: the Council of Elrond. Indeed, it was one of the greatest councils of all time, and it's name was decided by a contract deal—I mean, it was named after the great and noble Lord Elrond, whom every woman loved and who every man bowed before, who had fought some of the world's greatest evils, and who has been the winner of Elf Weekly's _Most Charming Smile _Award for the last five years.

Frodo Baggins woke up on the morning of this Council and needed to get ready quickly. You see, he was supposed to be woken up early by Gandalf, however he overslept and there were now only five minutes to the Council, and he would need to run to get there on time. So after he put his shirt on backwards and put his pants on unzipped, revealing his black and white polka dot boxers, he ran to the Council.

When Frodo got there, he sat next to Bilbo, who also seemed to be late judging by the fact that he was wearing a skirt.

"Morning, Bilbo." Frodo said as he smiled at his cousin.

"How do you mean, Frodo? Do you mean to wish a good morning, do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not, or do you mean it as a way to end our conversation, which has not yet taken place?" Bilbo asked Frodo, using quotes that were once said to him.

Frodo merely shook his head. "Bilbo, I read your book, and only Gandalf can get away with saying that and not sounding stupid."

"Oh you're right, I suppose. So Frodo lad, why are you so late? And why are you dressed like that?" Bilbo asked eyeing Frodo's disheveled clothing.

"I wasn't woken up on time, so I had to get dressed quickly, as you did." Frodo replied.

Bilbo gave Frodo a confused look "What do you mean? I picked out this outfit last night."

Frodo did not know whether to apologize or laugh, but thankfully he didn't have to as Lord Elrond spoke, beginning the Council.

"Greetings, strangers from distant lands, friends of old. I take it most of you do not know each other. So, we are going to play a little game. I'll introduce everybody, and you say 'hello' to him or her, ok? Let's begin." Elrond took a breathe before pointing to Frodo.

"This is the brave hobbit, Frodo son of Drogo. You may not think he is of any importance because he is a hobbit, but I shall have you know his contract deal is longer than most of yours, so be friendly." Elrond smiled, then looked toward Frodo's clothes and grimaced; an elf would never wear a backwards shirt or undone pants, and most certainly would never show his boxers through the said pants. As the Council saw what exactly Elrond was looking at, they grimaced as well. After a short pause, they reluctantly all said "Hello Frodo."

"Next to him," said Elrond, "is his cousin, Bilbo Baggins." When he noticed Bilbo was getting some confused looks from the guests, Elrond felt he needed to make a slight clarification about Bilbo. "Bilbo is one of Frodo's closest _male _cousins." At this, some people looked at Elrond nervously; it wasn't common in middle-earth to see a man—erm, male hobbit—in a skirt.

"Hello Bilbo." The Council began to think that hobbits were strange creatures.

"Over here," began Elrond, "we have Gandalf the Grey, also known as Mithrandir, Olorin, the Grey Pilgrim…" Elrond could have continued for hours, but thankfully Gandalf was smart enough to stop him.

"Elrond, please, just let everybody call me Gandalf, I find it is much easier for introductions."

"Right. Well, this is Gandalf." Elrond said.

"Hello, Gandalf." The Council greeted.

"And here," Elrond said as he pointed toward Strider, "is of course the noble--"

Strider interrupted him, "it's Strider, just Strider." With that, he gave Elrond a look that clearly told him not to say something, whatever it might be, and Elrond understood.

The Council was slightly confused, but nonetheless replied "Hello Strider."

"Here, we have Boromir of Gondor."

The Council started to say hello to Boromir but he quickly interrupted them.

"What, that's it, just 'Boromir of Gondor'? I am Boromir, son of the mighty Denethor, the future Steward of Gondor, the Captain of the Tower Guard, and the dreamer of eastern skies growing dark!" Boromir looked proud as he announced himself, but everyone present looked at him as if he were insane, which he probably was.

"Hello, Boromir."

"Here," Elrond said pointing at a group of blonde elves, "we have Legolas, prince of Mirkwood," at this, an elf with remarkably straight and clean blonde hair gave a slight nod, "and his Elven bodyguards that he needs everywhere in order to protect him and his hair."

"Hello, Legolas. Hello, Elven bodyguards."

Elrond now pointed to a group of dwarves. "This is Gloin, one of the thirteen dwarves of Thorin's company. The man with the red hair and beard," at this point Elrond cleared his throat in way that sounded remarkably like "and who looks like a leprechaun", then continued, "is Gimli. The other dwarves are here to balance out the number of elves here and to keep all the dwarves happy that there were not only elves at the Council."

"Hello, Gloin. Hello, Gimli. Hello, other dwarves."

Elrond then pointed at the only woman at the Council, whom Frodo recognized as Lady Arwen. "My lovely daughter, Arwen, will be filling in for Glorfindel today, because for some reason he has not been seen in quite a while."

All the elves present bowed to Arwen, while Strider winked at her, Boromir merely looked her up at down, Bilbo mouthed, "where did you get that dress?", and Frodo gave a nod of recognition.

"Hello, Arwen."

"Over here," Elrond nodded towards an elf, "is Erestor, chief of the Last Homely House, my house actually." Elrond chuckled slightly.

"Hello Erestor."

Elrond nodded toward another elf. "And this is Galdor from the Grey Havens, who has come on an errand from Cirdan."

"Hello Galdor."

"Finally," Elrond said as he pointed to an empty seat, "this is Lord Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody."

"Hello Lord Not-Appearing-In-This-Parody." With that, most of the Council let out a sigh; saying hello to everybody was beginning to get dreadfully boring.

"Now, let's talk about things of extreme importance, the things for which I have called you here." Elrond said as he cleared his throat. "I think that Gloin shall speak first, as many here know of him and his previous adventures." At this, Frodo could swear he saw Bilbo wink at Gloin, but for his own sake he chose to believe it was just his imagination.

Gloin cleared his throat and looked around at the Council. He then cleared his throat again. Gloin began to sweat slightly, which became increasingly more noticeable as he kept wiping his forehead.

"Is there something you need Gloin?" Elrond asked, after a few minutes or so of the dwarf becoming increasingly sweaty.

"Not to be rude, but could you all please…turn around?" Gloin asked nervously.

"Turn around? May I ask why?" Elrond asked, curiously looking at the dwarf.

"Well sir, I suffer a bit from stage fright."

"I see."

"And I'm also a bit scared of large groups of people."

"Ah."

"Especially people who are all staring intently at me." Gloin's breathing began to quicken and become louder; he also began to shake. "I just…I can't…"

Elrond sighed, closed his eyes, and then said, "alright, alright. Everybody, turn around."

And with that, the whole Council turned around, however many of the people groaned in the process.

"Okay." Gloin said, sounding much calmer. "Well, a few years back, actually it was more than a few, it was many years back, but anyway, many years ago, well actually not many years ago, maybe a little less, but anyway…"

"GET TO THE POINT!" the entire Council shouted.

"Right. So, years ago, after the quest, but before now, we dwarves started thinking about our old great kingdom of Moria. We have not been able to enter those mines in years." Gloin paused and sighed. "So, my cousin Balin decided he would go back to Moria, to reside again in the great Khazad-dum, and he brought Ori and Oin with him, as well as a few other dwarves. At first we got many good messages, about how they had started building again, and business was booming, and they even found a few dwarf women living there! But then, the messages stopped. We thought they were made, so we sent a messenger over with larges amounts of apple pie, however neither he nor the pies returned. We became increasingly worried, and still are. Then one day, while we were all relaxing, we got a messenger, but not from Moria…" With that, Gloin drifted into a flashback.

The scene is black and white. Many of the dwarves are sitting in a cavern in a mountain, relaxing, talking, and a few are laughing, when suddenly they hear a noise and all turn.

The dwarves are all shocked to see a rider, dressed in black, and all shadow, except for gloves and boots made out of steel. Well maybe not steel, it could be any other type of metal, but it greatly resembled steel. Well actually, now that Gloin thought about it, it didn't resemble steel so much, but more of—

"Gloin?" Elrond interrupted.

"Yes, sir?"

"Can you please get back to the flashback? We need for you to continue so it will show up on our screen and we can understand what happened."

Gloin was confused. "What do you mean, 'screen'? I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Never mind," said Elrond, annoyed, "just keep thinking."

"Okay." Gloin said, and then continued thinking.

The Black Rider looked at them all, or it seemed like he did to them but he had no eyes so they couldn't be sure. Then, he spoke.

"Greetings, from Sauron, the Lord of the Rings, Lord of Mordor, and the future Lord of the World. I have come on behalf of my great lord to talk with you all. I know you have had adventures with a hobbit before, and I was wondering, could you tell me where this hobbit lives?"

"Oh, you mean Bilbo Baggins?" cried a dwarf.

"Bifur, shut UP!" hissed Gloin, who nudged Bifur in the ribs, and many other dwarves.

"Oh, Baggins is his name? Well, this Baggins has a small ring, it is nothing but a worthless ring to the great Sauron but nevertheless he requires it for his collection to be complete. You see he collects rings…of power. Anyway tells me where the hobbit lives and he shall let you keep your three remaining rings of power."

Dain, the lord of the dwarves, was starting to get suspicious. "…Right. Well I'm sorry but we will not tell you where he lives."

"Wait, you mean where Bilbo lives?" another dwarf said. "That's easy, he lives in the Shire!"

"BOFUR, YOU IMBECILE!" cried many dwarves. Even Bifur, whom had slipped up before, hit Bofur on the back of the head.

"The Shire?" the Black Rider asked. "I must remember that. Shire, Baggins. Shire, Baggins. Right I think I got it, thanks for all the help lads! If you want to talk to Sauron or me, here's my card, you can reach both of us from there." The Black Rider handed Dain a card that read: **Nazgul #9, Minas Morgul apt. #8, (just outside) Mordor, Middle-earth**.

As the Black Rider rode away, but not far enough away that the dwarves couldn't see him nor hear his conversation, a man in a suit went up to him.

"Excuse me, Nazgul #9?" he asked.

"Yes, that's me, who are you?"

"Hello, I am the editor of this story, and I need you to sign a contract. Now that you know the name and whereabouts of the hobbit, you will only have one line from now one. By signing this contract, you will be forced to say that line only for the rest of your life to avoid clashes with the main characters."

Nazgul #9 looked confused, or at least he would have if he had a face. "Right. Well I'm afraid I'll have to cut your head off, I apologize." With that, Nazgul #9 took out his sword and was about to swing it when the editor yelled, "I have a message from Sauron!"

"You do? Well what is it?"

"He said if you don't take the deal, he will find some way to kill you, so I suggest you take it."

Nazgul #9, completely aware of Sauron's powers, became nervous at this. "But…my fiancée, I won't be able to tell her."

"Taken care of." The editor lied.

"Well…alright." With that, Nazgul #9 signed, and from that moment on could only say "Shire…Baggins" in different styles and voices, mainly choosing a creepy voice. Gloin was pulled out of his flashback and the scene faded.

After a moment, Elrond turned back around to face Gloin, as did everybody else. "Well…that was…interesting," he said as he clapped his hands together.

Everybody else murmured, some in agreement, others could not be heard.

"Now then," Elrond began, "I feel we should let Legolas speak, as he is the messenger from Mirkwood. So, what has happened?"

"Oh, everything's good, everything's fine, my dad says hi, by the way." Legolas replied nonchalantly.

"Alright, well I say hi back, but is there anything important going on? How is Gollum doing, is he still imprisoned?

Legolas gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, actually it's funny that you mention that. Well, you see, um, Gollum somehow…got away. Yeah…"

Elrond took a deep breath, then smiled widely and laughed "Haha, good one, Legolas, really funny. So he's still in Mirkwood then?"

Legolas shook his head. "No sir. I'm afraid he really did escape. You see, I was on guard duty to watch him that day, and he flung a bit of dirt in my hair, and of course my body guards needed to help me get it out immediately, and that's when he somehow escaped."

Elrond froze, his laughter stopped and his smile was falling. He then hit his head with his hand and muttered, "bloody brilliant…"

Elrond quickly composed himself, ignored the news from Legolas, and turned to Boromir. "Now, Boromir, you had some questions, correct?"

"Yes." Boromir nodded. "It was about a dream I had. In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark…" as Boromir said this he started to look at the Ring, which Frodo had placed on a table in the center of the Council however no one had noticed it during all the introductions. "I heard a voice cry, 'Isildur's Bane is found!'" Boromir got up and slowly walked to the Ring. No one thought to stop him, mainly because they thought he would badly harm them if they tried. "Isildur's bane…" Boromir reached for the Ring.

"Boromir!" yelled Elrond.

Boromir looked up, but unfortunately Gandalf had stood up and was now reciting the poem (or, according to Gloin, it wasn't so much a poem but could easily be interpreted as a small tale that looked like a poem but really wasn't) of the Ring, in Black Speech.

Elrond clutched his head in pain. Frodo held onto his shoulder. Legolas held onto his hair. Legolas' bodyguards held on to his hair care products. Gloin started breathing more heavily and started sweating quickly. Gimli began to hyperventilate and had to grab his father's hand, as well as his ax, but he held onto his father's hand more tightly. Bilbo was thinking about how much Arwen's dress must have cost.

After Gandalf stopped, Elrond glared at him. "Do…you…mind?! Never before has that tongue been uttered here in Imladris, and never before have I had such a bad migraine! ARWEN!"

"Yes, father?" said Arwen, standing up immediately.

"Please go into my study, and bring the red bottle. Quickly." Arwen nodded then ran to get the red bottle. About a minute later she came back carrying the huge red bottle. Elrond took it a drink about a fourth of it in one gulp.

"Thank you, Arwen." Elrond said as soon as he had calmed down enough to stop drinking.

"You're welcome, Ada." Arwen replied as she sat back down, only pausing to catch a brief glimpse of Strider and to glare at Boromir as he looked at her backside. "Men…" she muttered.

"Anyway," Elrond began, "about the Ring. It needs to be taken deep into Mordor and tossed back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

"What?" asked most of the Council.

Elrond rolled his eyes. "Somebody needs to take the shiny ring to the evil land and throw it in the big volcano."

"Ohhh."

"One of you must do this" Elrond concluded as the entire Council went silent. A few crickets were heard chirping in the distance. A few people started whistling. One person even started tapping their foot.

"Don't all jump at once…" Elrond muttered under his breath.

"It is a gift!" Boromir said as Elrond closed his eyes, hoping that he just imagined Boromir look like he was about to give a speech. Unfortunately, he wasn't imagining it.

"Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the amazing steward of Gondor who is much better than any king of Gondor could be, has kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people, are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy," Boromir began to have a mad glint in his eye, "let us use it against him!"

"You cannot weild it!" Strider yelled to Boromir, as if expecting him to know that already. "None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone; it has no other master."

"And what," Boromir began haughtily, "would a ranger know of this matter? Especially if the Ranger is talking to me, Boromir, son of Denethor?"

"This is not mere ranger!" Legolas stood up as he exclaimed this, however Boromir ignored him.

"How could anyone even think to disagree with someone like me? I mean of course I am a genius; I am even going to be the steward of Gondor one day! Obviously that means I'm powerful too. Not to mention, you have all seen my incredible good looks…" As he said this, Boromir winked at Arwen, who gagged.

"Ahem." Legolas said, glaring at Boromir. "I said, this is no mere ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Aragorn, previously known as Strider to all, turned and looked at Legolas, and quickly hissed "why in the world would you say that in front of _this_ idiot?"

Boromir merely laughed. "This is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor!" Legolas reminded him.

Boromir glared at Aragorn. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"Considering you think you're going to rule one day," Arwen began in a low voice, "Gondor clearly has no good looks either. Now, if Aragorn took up the throne, then I could say differently."

"Excuse me?" Boromir said, shocked that a woman he found so attractive would find that…that…ranger thing more attractive than him.

Arwen merely smiled sweetly at him, and that was really all it took for him to forget why he was angry. "Silly humans…" Arwen said quietly.

Elrond, wanting to bring the Council back to the real reason it was assembled and make everything dramatic again, started to speak in a slow, deep voice. "You have only one choice: the Ring must be destroyed…" He looked around at the Council, his eyebrows intimidating everybody.

"One does not simply walk into Mordor…"

"Actually, you do." Elrond said. "Now…"

"No, you don't. Why can't we just take a few flying eagles or something and drop the Ring into Mount Doom?"

Elrond looked at Boromir gravely. "Because then it would eliminate the entire plot." At this, Boromir looked confused, so Elrond continued. "I have seen more than you know, I have seen from the future."

"Do you know if the Ring will get destroyed?" Gandalf asked hopefully, sitting up.

"I haven't seen that far." As Elrond said that, Gandalf shrunk back down in his seat.

"Well," Boromir said, "not with 10,000 men could you do it. It is folly."

Legolas stood up, clearly angry. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!" As he said this, a breeze went by, and Legolas' security guards all stood up and brushed his hair, making sure nothing was out of place.

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimli said as he stood up, his eyes shooting daggers at Legolas.

"And if we fail," Boromir stood up and interjected, wanting the spotlight, "what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"

Ignoring him, Gimli glared at Legolas. "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!"

Of course this caused all the elves to stand up at start yelling at each other. Bilbo then stood up and started yelling at no one in particular. Lastly Gandalf stood up, yelling at everybody to see reason, when he casually went over to Elrond. "I bet you 500 gold coins that Sam will end sneaking in around now, since we're all distracted."

Elrond smirked. "You're on." Then they just watched the fight, and Gandalf quickly went back in.

Frodo however, who remained quiet for most of the scene in order to introduce new characters and the main plot line, stayed out of the fight. He stared at the Ring, and could swear he heard it talk to him.

_Frodo…Frodo…can you hear me?_

**Yes, I can hear you…I mean no, no I can't…**

_Too late…Man, I would love a vacation to Mordor…_

_**The only way you're getting there is to take you to be destroyed! **_

_Oh like hell, don't you realize that I still have two more books to get through, not to mention all the fanfiction where I come back? Shame on you!_

**I'm not listening…**

At this moment, Frodo got an extreme headache, which the Ring was clearly causing.

_You see what I can do to you? I can make you feel pain. I'll do it even if you don't take me to Mordor. However, you seem to resist me somewhat…don't you want to destroy me?_

**Yes.**

_Then what are you are waiting for? Tell them…bring me to Sauron—I mean uhh, bring me to Mt. Doom, I'm ready; it's my time._ The Ring snickered, but Frodo didn't notice.

Frodo immediately stood up, and yelled to the Council, "I will take it!" They ignore him. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I will take it!" Still nothing. "I WILL TAKE IT!" At this everybody turned around. "I will take the Ring to Mordor." Frodo said calmly. "Though…I do not know the way."

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear." Gandalf said as he went over to Frodo, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Of course, he really did not want to go to Mordor, but since the readers needed a familiar face and he signed a contract a few years ago, he could do nothing about it.

Aragorn then walked over to Frodo. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword." Aragorn said as he place his sword in Frodo's arms.

Legolas also went over to Frodo. "And you have my bow." Legolas placed his bow in Frodo's arms.

"And my axe." Gimli said, giving his ax to Frodo, who was trying not to drop everything.

"And my feminine intuition!" Arwen said standing up.

"No, he does not, young lady." Elrond said, staring intently at her.

Arwen sighed then sat back down. "Never mind, Frodo."

Much to everyone's dismay, Boromir stood up yet again, seeming ready to make another speech. "You carry the fate of us all, little one ("along with a sword, a bow, and an axe" Frodo interjected). And if it is indeed the will of the Council…then the glorious country of Gondor will see it done."

"Hey!" cried a voice from the bushes. Suddenly Sam came running out next to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me." Sam awkwardly grabbed his hand, making Frodo feel uncomfortable as well as feeling like he was about to drop everything.

"No, indeed, it is highly impossible to seperate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not." Elrond then looked at Gandalf, who was smirking about having won the bet that Sam would show up.

Meanwhile, Merry, who had only listened in about halfway through the meeting, decided he should go with Frodo as well. "Hey, I'm coming too! You'll need to send me home tied up in a sack to stop me!"

"Hey Merry, seeing as everyone else wants me to carry stuff for them, anything you might want me to carry?" Frodo said sarcastically, however Merry didn't notice the sarcasm.

"Actually there is. Oi, Pippin!" Merry whistled after he said that, and Pippin came running over.

"Yes Merry?"

"Let Frodo carry you, ok? We're going on a journey."

"Yay!" said Pippin, clearly excited, as he hopped into Frodo's arms, which caused Frodo to gasp for breath. "Good thing you have me Frodo, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing."

"That rules you out, Pip." Merry said quietly.

Frodo whispered to Pippin, who he was struggling to hold up, "do you even know where we're going?"

Pippin shrugged. "No idea."

"I cannot allow you to go, Marriaduck and Pelligrino-Water. You are far too young, and your names are far too silly for something this serious."

"Well, why don't we change them then?" Merry suggested; he always hated his name, as Pippin did for his, but both of their parents liked the names too much. "Come to think of it, 'Meriadoc' sounds like a noble name, and it sounds like my own, and my nickname could actually come from it. As for you, Pip, hmm…your name kind of sounds like the name Peregrin, I've heard many hobbits named that, it's a serious name. Ok, problem solved, can we go now?"

"No, Meriadoc, you are too YOUNG!" Elrond said, glaring at them.

"But…but…" they both whimpered, and used their puppy dog eyes and pout on Elrond. To their surprise, it worked.

"Alright fine, you can go!"

"But daddy!" yelled Arwen. "I'm over two thousand years old, and you didn't let me join when I pouted!"

"Arwen, you are my daughter, it doesn't work on me. Now sit down right now young lady!"

"Fine…" Arwen said, pouting again and taking her seat.

"So, nine companions…and Legolas' body guards, however they don't count because they are not doing much for the mission other than protecting your hair, Legolas. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great!" Pippin said, still in Frodo's arms. "Where are we going?"

At this, Frodo just rolled his eyes at his cousin and dropped him, along with the sword, bow, and axe.

***************************************************

The scene changes from the Council back to the room with the fireplace. Lord Elrond closes the book he has just narrated and smiled.

"Thank you for listening to this segment of 'The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style'. Have a good night." With that, Elrond raised the wine glass that he had kept on the table for who knows how long, and gave a slight nod.

"Wait!!!!!! It is not the end!"

I know it's not…I'm still in narrator mode after all.

"I'll find you…"

Excuse me?

"Just like Narrator 1. Now, I'm gonna get you, Narrator 2."

Having the sense to point out that I was not Narrator 2, I quickly shut up.

"That's better, don't talk. I'm at your apartment now, and I'm gonna get you!"

Clearly, the person talking was the dreaded Tom Bombadil, and he thought he was about to get our old friend, Narrator 2. Bombadil kicked the door to Two's study, to find…that it was empty?

"What?" Bombadil asked himself, furious. "How did this happen?"

Suddenly, Bombadil noticed a locket tied to the door. He quickly grabbed the locket and opened it, and saw a piece of paper fall out. Bombadil picked up the piece of paper, which he saw had been folded into a small square, and unfolded it. He then gasped. On the paper were words written by someone, that read:

_**I know you're after me, but I know your secret.  
We're in hiding. You can never find us.  
But we're after you. And we will get you.  
N. T. & O.**_

Bombadil was frozen in place. This note could only mean one thing: Narrator One and Two knew how to get rid of him. And they were trying to…


	10. The Ring Goes South

Ok, two months without updating?!?! Eep! You guys should stone me for that! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner, I have been working on this chapter for a while and I desperately hope you don't hate it, or hate me for not doing anything for so long. You may yell at me in reviews if you like. But I said I would never abandon you guys, did I not? See, I would never do that, I'm a good girl, pinky promise! So this chapter might be weak, but please read and review and enjoy and I pinky swear the next chapter will be out in less than a month! =D

**P.S**.- unfortunately, I do not own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python...*sniffles*...*cries hysterically* wahhh I wish I did!

* * *

Chapter Ten: the Ring Goes South

After the Council, Frodo sat with his fellow hobbits, with the exception of Bilbo, and discussed what had happened. The hobbits had all been listening for the most part, except for Pippin who did not arrive until the very end of the Council and was now confused about what was happening?

"So," Pippin began, "let me get this straight: you're called to a secret council where all you do is talk about the Ring and some other serious stuff that would put me to sleep, then it's decided that you're going to destroy the Ring with a bunch of big people and Sam, without any other hobbits coming originally?"

Frodo nodded. "Pretty much."

"That's terrible!" Pippin cried in dismay.

"I know! I really don't want to go to Mordor, but I know it must be me that has to do it. At least I'm not alone. But really this is the worst thing imaginable." Frodo sighed and looked up at his best friends.

"Oh I didn't mean that stuff about the Ring, as if that will really effect our lives! I meant they were originally going to let only Sam go. How could you even think to go without Merry and me? We're your cousins! Plus, we could use a bit of an adventure."

Merry nodded. "I'm really glad Elrond is letting us go. I couldn't stand staying here!"

"Actually," came Elrond's voice as he walked into the room, "you wouldn't be staying here; you'd go home. Are you really sure you want to go? You're both very young, especially you, Peregrin. Are you sure you don't want to be messengers? Please?"

Merry and Pippin nodded. "We're sure." One of them replied, however when you are a noble elf lord you can never be truly sure how to tell hobbits apart.

Elrond sighed. "Fine, if you're really sure…"

"Wait a moment!" cried Frodo. "Lord Elrond, a moment ago, during the narration, I heard that you were still doing it. I thought you were supposed to quit after two chapters! What happened?"

Elrond sighed as his eyes watered. "Just read this." Elrond handed Frodo a scroll, and Frodo read it out loud.

_Lord Elrond, _

_Since Narrators One and Two are on the run and Tom Bombadil is after him, you must stay Narrator until further notice. Stay in Rivendell, however; Tom Bomadil will never find you. Just tolerate the nice hobbits and you will be paid a lot of money. Not nearly enough, of course, but seeing as the other option was letting the vengeful Bombadil come after you, you will have to deal with it. If it's any consolation, we will also mail you some brownies, how does that sound?_

_Sincerely, _

_Chief Editor of __**The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style**__, Publisher of __Elf Weekly__, and Distributor of All __Elf Weekly__ Awards_.

"That's good news!" said Pippin, smiling. "You can talk to us more, isn't that great, Elrond sir?"

In response, Elrond started sobbing.

Before the other hobbits could do anything, Frodo waved a hand. "Just leave him there."

"But, Mr. Frodo, don't you feel slightly offended that he doesn't want to talk to us?" Sam asked, sounding hurt.

"Sam, he is an elf lord, we are food obsessed hobbits. It would have never worked out." Frodo replied. Sam just shrugged and gazed out of the window.

"Hang on a moment…" Frodo began, "Elrond, you never did the opening!"

"What opening?" asked Elrond between sobs.

"The opening you usually do before the beginning of each story!" said Frodo.

Elrond merely glared. "Do I look like I'm in any state to open a story? I'm too depressed…Arwen, bring me my red bottle!" Elrond shouted.

Within minutes, Arwen arrived and brought Elrond his red bottle, which was filled up to the top with liquid. Arwen left, and Elrond began downing the bottle, drowning his sorrows. The hobbits looked at each other then looked away, ignoring the alcoholic elf lord.

"To think, he rules an entire kingdom…" Merry muttered under his breath. "So, when do we leave?" he asked

"December 25th." Frodo said.

"Oh, Christmas!" Merry yelled with a grin.

"What's that?" Pippin asked.

"You've never heard of Christmas?!"

"No, should I have?" Pippin asked, worried.

"I haven't heard of it either, Mr. Merry. Have you, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.

Frodo nodded. "I read about it once. Merry, I'm sorry to say but Christianity doesn't exactly exist yet. You see, even if there is God, or Eru as we call him, His son Jesus does not exist yet."

"What? So there's no Christmas?" Merry asked as tears formed in his eyes.

"Merry, you've never once celebrated Christmas." Frodo reminded him.

"I know, but I wish people would tell me something like 'Merry Christmas, Merry' or 'Merry, Merry Christmas'. Just think of all the possibilities!" Merry sniffled then cried quietly into his hands.

"It's ok." Frodo said as he patted Merry on the arm. "I'll bring you a present and tell you one of the elves made it, alright?"

Merry nodded. "Good. Frodo, can you dress up as Santa Clause too?"

Frodo sighed, rolled his eyes, and then finally nodded. "Sure, Merry."

"Yay!" squealed Merry as he grabbed Frodo into a hug.

Sam turned and looked at Pippin while this dialogue went on. "Do you have any idea what they're talking about, Mr. Pippin?"

Pippin looked at Sam. "I'm hungry."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Sam muttered.

* * *

So, time passed quickly in Rivendell. Time passes very quickly in this story. In fact, it is already December 24th. But that is alright, seeing as no real timeline will be published until the appendices of this story is written, and by that time there will be less hobbits to deal with. That is a narrator's heaven…specifically this narrator.

You know, the plotline about the Ring should not be the focus, don't you think? I mean, yes the story is known as "The Lord of the Rings", but why not change it to the "Lord of the Elves"? Your main character would be, of course, Lord Elrond, or Narrator 3, or just me, and there is so much potential for a novel here! I mean, I'm over three thousand years old, give or take a few thousand or hundred or so. Human years really don't matter when you're immortal. You know I've really been thinking about an autobiography, maybe I should write one. Yes that would be good…then maybe I could quit this job as a Narrator. If it weren't for the contract I wouldn't even be here. I'd rather run a pet shop, you know? People in Rivendell need more pets. You know, maybe I should write a drama about an elf who works in a pet shop…yes that is a brilliant idea…

"_Ahem_" said several voices.

Elrond (or Narrator 3, whoever I am at the moment) turned around and saw the entire Fellowship standing there.

"What do you want?" Elrond said with a sigh.

"Listen," began Frodo, "I don't mean to be rude but unfortunately this story is not about you. You can make your book or play, whatever you're doing, after my story is over, ok?"

"Your story?" Boromir cut in as everybody groaned slightly. "Little hobbit, I'm afraid that men and the kingdom of Gondor are the heart of this story. I mean, I don't mean to sound like I'm not modest, but when you have the future Steward of Gondor in the story, it just **has** to be about him!"

"Of course, Boromir," said Frodo, not really listening. "Anyway, Elrond we need to all sign contracts to demand that we stay in our correct parts at all times, and that's why we're here."

"I'm afraid I don't understand." Elrond replied

"Well, it's quite clear," Pippin began, much to everyone's surprise, "to make sure everyone has their proper role, we need to sign binding contracts. These contracts are very detailed and if someone doesn't listen to them, they are removed from the story. Glorfindel, for example, did not follow his contract's guidelines. Has anybody seen him in a while?" everybody shook their heads. "I didn't think so."

"So," Elrond began, "we just sign the contracts and the story can go on?"

"Pretty much, yes." Pippin said. "I actually have them all right here." As he said this, Pippin pulled out several envelopes from the inside pocket of his vest.

Merry stared at Pippin in disbelief as he was handed his envelope. "Where on Middle-earth did you get these and how do you know so much about contracts?"

"You're better off not knowing." Pippin replied as he gave out all the envelopes and opened his own, leaving everybody confused.

However, despite the confusion, the envelopes were opened eagerly (by everyone except Gandalf, who was now slowly drifting off tpo sleep and merely took his envelope and opened it slowly) and everybody read their contracts over (again, except Gandalf, who had finally fallen asleep from reading the contract).

"Boy, this contract is weird!" Frodo said as he read the line: _if one loses a finger on the quest, he is not to hold anybody involved in the making of this contract or anyone involved in the story responsible_.

"I agree." Boromir said, reading the line: _if one of the Fellowship members is killed in the story, he must either resurrect himself or allow his younger brother to sign a contract enabling him to take the fallen member's place_.

"So," said Pippin, "is everything all clear? No, Boromir, only put your first name down, we don't need to know ALL of your titles. Aragorn just put one name please. Gandalf, wake up!"

After he said, Boromir reluctantly put his pen down, Aragorn thought about which name to write, and Gandalf awoke with a start and continued to read the contract that had put him to sleep.

"Oh, by the way, Legolas' hair's bodyguards, you will need contracts too to make sure you do not interfere with the actions of the fellowship." The bodyguards nodded as Pippin finished his words, then took and signed their own contracts.

"Who would have thought," Gandalf muttered to Aragorn, "that Peregrin Took would actually talk sense for once?"

"I heard that!" Pippin yelled.

"Sorry," Gandalf said. "It's just…how did you become responsible with contracts?"

"Yeah, how exactly did that happen?" Merry interjected.

Pippin shrugged. "No idea whatsoever."

"Of course…" Merry said as he rolled his eyes.

"So," said Elrond, causing everybody to look at him, "now that all the contracts have been signed…I say it's time we get this ring to Mordor."

* * *

The next morning, the company was getting ready to leave. With the exception of Frodo and Merry of course, seeing as Frodo had to dress up like a man known as Mr. S. Clause and give Merry presents (must be a hobbit thing). After Merry got his presents, two carrots and a bag of mushrooms, Frodo and Merry packed and everyone was ready to go.

Well, not quite. Frodo needed to say goodbye to his cousin Bilbo, and he also needed to empty most of the contents of Bilbo's closet—not for his own benefit, of course, but he felt Bilbo would be less respected if he continued to dress like a woman.

When Frodo got to Bilbo's room, he knocked on the door.

"Bilbo?"

There was no response, so Frodo knocked again.

"Bilbo?"

Again, there was no response.

Frodo sighed and came in anyway, hoping he wouldn't see anything he shouldn't. Thankfully for Frodo, Bilbo was just sleeping. Frodo looked around Bilbo's room and smiled.

"You'd think he'd remember I'd be coming…" Frodo said absent-mindedly to himself.

Then, Frodo spotted something shiny. Frodo went over to the shiny object to discover that it was actually Bilbo's old sword, Sting. Frodo picked up the sword and held it, then began to speak aloud to himself.

"You know, this would really help if I fought in battle or something…maybe I should take it just in case…but what's this?" Frodo suddenly noticed small writing on the blade, which read: "**WARNING**: BLADE GLOWS BLUE WHEN ORCS AND GOBLINS ARE CLOSE. Made in Gondolin."

"Well…that's weird," Frodo shrugged, and then he turned his head and saw what looked like a shirt. "Oh, that looks pretty" Frodo mused to himself as he picked up the shirt.

"It's mithril!" Bilbo said as he sat up from where he was laying down. "Light as a feather, and as hard as dragon scales!" Bilbo then fell back down and snored. Frodo did not question his cousin's behavior; he had learned to never do that.

"You know, maybe I should take these two things with me…Bilbo would want me to." Frodo folded the shirt in his arms, put Sting in its hilt, and walked out, yelling "Bye, uncle!"

"Huh? What's happening?" Bilbo said sleepily as he woke up. "Frodo? Wha? Oh I'm tired…" And with that Bilbo rolled over and fell back to sleep.

* * *

"The Ringbearer is setting out on his quest to Mt. Doom." Elrond began to say, as the Fellowship was about to leave Rivendell. The members of the Fellowship were all lined up outside the gate, while the elves of Rivendell were bidding them farewell.

"No oath or bond is laid," continued Elrond, "to go further than you will. Farewell. May the blessings of elves, and men, and all free folk go with you." Elrond nodded a goodbye towards the group.

"The Fellowship awaits the Ringbearer." Gandalf said as Frodo turned around and walked towards the front of the group.

"Wait!" Elrond said suddenly. "I had almost completely forgotten…due to the lack of musical numbers in the story, we need to have a big musical number before the main story actually begins."

"Oh no," Frodo sighed, "Do we have to?"

"Is it in writing that we must do this?" Gandalf asked Elrond.

Elrond nodded.

"Well, let's do this." Gandalf said with a sigh. The entire Fellowship was cleared their throats and began to sing.

_Oh, there once was a ringbearer,  
__Who—_

"STOP!!!!" Arwen cried as she ran into the scene. "Don't sing!"

The entire Fellowship was puzzled by her words. "But, the contract says we should." Gandalf said.

"No, it doesn't. The contract says nothing about singing. They just want to record your singing for their own entertainment."

"What?" the Fellowship asked in unison. It was at that moment that they saw all the elves, including Elrond, put away video cameras.

"What's the meaning of this?!" Frodo cried. "Don't you realize we are not that technologically advanced yet? Have you not read the script at all?"

Elrond just stared Frodo in the eye and spoke in a stern voice, "You saw nothing."

Legolas scoffed at Elrond as he spoke. "Oh, please! You know, we Mirkwood elves would never use such devices from the future, let alone reveal we had them if we did!" At that moment, a cell phone fell out of Legolas' bag. One of his Elven bodyguards quickly picked it up, so Legolas wouldn't have to bend down to get it and ruin his hair. Legolas stared at everybody there and said in a stern voice, "you saw nothing."

"Elfling…" Elrond muttered as he rolled his eyes. "Now, get out of here, you lot! You're not supposed to be in Rivendell this long! Time constraints, people…go, save the world!"

"He's right! We need to go!" Gandalf said. "Frodo, turn left, that's how you get to Mordor."

Frodo shrugged. "Alright then."

"No, left!"

"I know, you're right."

"No, left!"

"Oh dear…" Frodo sighed as he put his face in his palm.

With that, the Fellowship began to walk out of Rivendell. One member hesitated, however. Aragorn looked back before he left, at his love Arwen. "Oh Arwen, I--"

"Aragorn!" Arwen said she ran forward to kiss him.

"Stop that!" Gandalf said, coming between the two lovers. "Time constraints, people! Aragorn we must go!"

"But, Gandalf--"

"No buts, we've got to destroy this Ring or die trying, come now."

"But I may never see her again!"

"Well that's nice, Aragorn, but we really need to move on. You can see her again if she decides to die. Come along!" With that, Gandalf grabbed Aragorn by the arm and pulled him away with the Fellowship.

"I'll always love you!" Aragorn called out to Arwen.

"Very well, I love you too, Aragorn." Gandalf replied.

"Not you!"

"Oh, be quiet!"

* * *

And so, the Fellowship walked. They came to a rather tall hill, where our camera crew was conveniently located to capture stills of each character and store them into our viewer's memory.

Leading the Fellowship was Gandalf. "Hello," he said as he looked to the cameras. "I am Gandalf. You should know me already as the leader of the Fellowship, and as the brave, powerful wizard of this story." With that, Gandalf walked off.

Next in line was Frodo. "Hello," he said, "I am Frodo Baggins of the Shire. I am carrying the most evil object in the world. The fate of everything rests in my hands. If I were not so innocent, I would surely perish. However, I will not perish. Even better, my blue eyes will charm you into loving me no matter how annoying I can get if the Ring does affect me." With that, Frodo walked off.

Next came Legolas, and his Elven bodyguards. "Why, hello, I am Legolas or Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. I am by far the oldest person in this group, am wise beyond all comparison, and possess great hair. Speaking of my hair, these are my Elven bodyguards, armed to protect my hair with all of the finest hair care products." As Legolas said this, the wind blew, and some of Legolas' hair was moved. "Protect the hair!" cried the main bodyguard, who then grabbed a can of hairspray out of thin air and sprayed Legolas' hair into place, leaving behind so many questions. With that, Legolas and his Elven bodyguards walked off.

Next was Gimli son of Gloin. "Hello," Gimli said as he held his axe over his shoulder. "I am Gimli. You may know my famous father Gloin; he was on the great journey with Bilbo and Thorin and the other dwarves, and was in a few scenes before this. Most people say I take after him." Gimli chuckled nervously and took a few deep breaths. "So, I am here…on this dangerous quest…very dangerous…" Gimli swallowed a few times and paused to breath. "Well, I…uh…I…oh…" Gimli started sweating and shaking slightly. "Well…very good, very good…LEGOLAS!" With that, Gimli ran after the elf, hating to be in the spotlight.

Next, Sam, Merry, and Pippin walked forward with Bill the Pony. "Hello," said Sam, "I'm Samnotsowise, and this is Bill. You should know us both already from earlier parts of the story."

"Same with me," Merry interjected. "To recap, I am Merry."

"I'm hungry!" Pippin said.

"No, Pip, you're supposed to say your name." Merry said.

"Merry, you just said my name, now I don't have time for this, I need food, let's go!"

Pippin ran off, with Merry and Sam sighing and following behind with Bill.

Next came Boromir. "Greetings, I am sure you all know me, Boromir son of Denethor, future Steward of Gondor." Boromir proudly stuck his chest out and posed for a few seconds. "I am definitely the greatest and most powerful person in this story, after all how could I not be?" Boromir scoffed.

"Oh just be quiet already!" Aragorn interrupted.

"…Excuse me?" Boromir said as Aragorn walked up next to him.

"Hello," Aragorn said at the camera. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, who you should remember as Strider from before. I am the future king, but I have never wanted to be so."

"Oh, shut it. Nobody wants to hear your humble story." Boromir said.

Aragorn glared at Boromir. "Alright, let's keep walking."

Aragorn and Boromir began walking away, however the camera crew kept following them.

"What? Show's over, go away please. If you want to see more of the story, wait until the next chapter. Go on, scram!" Aragorn said.

"Piss off!" Boromir yelled at the camera, which just kept moving closer. "What if the camera is a spy?" Boromir asked Aragorn quietly, keeping his eyes on the camera.

"I can take care of this." Aragorn replied.

With that, Aragorn took out his sword and stabbed the camera right in the lens. The screen turned black and white, then colored bars suddenly appeared along with a long beeping sound, and then finally everything faded to black.


	11. The Ring Still Goes South

Greetings, Earthlings. I updated earlier, I hope you are proud of me =D I hope people are actually still reading this and I'm actually talking to someone. So...how are you guys? How are things in your life? Happy Thanksgiving by the way! =D Here is your Thanksgiving present, now enjoy and please review and favorite! Unless you don't like it. Well, review even if you don't like it, that won't bother me, I'd actually like it!

* * *

Chapter Eleven: The Ring Continues To Go South and Does Not Change Direction At All

Everything is dark. Just like almost every other opening sequence in the story. Nothing has really changed. The light should be going on any minute.

The light does not go on. The Narrator clears his throat. I said, the light should be going on any minute.

The light still does not go on. The Narrator clears his throat again, and yelled, I said the light should be going on any minute!

The light still does not go on again. Oh, for the love of Eru, must I do everything around here, the Narrator mumbled to himself.

Footsteps are heard retreating in the darkness. A door is heard opening, then quickly closing. More footsteps are heard retreating until…silence. And then…more silence. And then…*BANG!**BANG!* Gunshots are heard. Then…silence. A few moments later, footsteps are heard approaching back. Finally, a door opens, then is slammed shut. More footsteps are heard, and then the sound of a cushion being sat upon is heard quietly.

We here at the BBC, especially Narrator 3, would like to apologize for the lack of lighting. Those responsible have been kill—sacked. Yes, they were sacked. We also would like to apologize for the lack of lighting now. Since the person responsible for turning on the lights was shot—sacked, we have no one to turn on the lights until the man's apprentice is ready to take the job. There will be no opening until he is ready.

* * *

Meanwhile, in our story, the Fellowship had stopped for a brief rest in the darkness.

"Wait a moment!" Gandalf interrupted.

Yes?

"Why is it dark? It isn't supposed to be this dark!"

Oh sorry, bit of a problem with the lighting. It's temporary, of course. It should be fixed in a chapter or so.

"Terrific…" Gandalf muttered. "Continue with the narration."

Right. So, the Fellowship stopped to rest in the darkness for a bit.

"We must hold our course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days," Gandalf said to the Fellowship, "and if our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us."

"Wait! We can shop?" Legolas asked, excited.

Gandalf sighed, "No, Legolas, it is not a store. Anyway, from there our road turns east to Mordor."

"You know," Boromir interjected and everybody groaned quietly, "real men, men of Gondor, don't waste time shopping. It must be an elf thing." Boromir added in clear disdain.

Legolas merely pouted as his bodyguards reassured him. "Ignore him," said the main bodyguard.

"Yeah," another bodyguard added. "He's just upset that he doesn't have your hair." At this, all the other bodyguards nodded in agreement and complimented Legolas.

"Oh, we're never gonna get anything done…" Aragorn muttered under his breath.

"How do you think I feel?" Frodo whispered to Aragorn. "I'm the one who has to destroy this thing!"

"You're not alone Mr. Frodo." Sam whispered to Frodo as he grabbed his hand.

"Oh that's all I need…" Frodo said to himself.

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

"Nothing, Sam."

"If anyone was asking for my opinion, which I note they're not," Gimli began in his somewhat Irish-but-not-Irish-since-Ireland-doesn't-exist-yet brogue as he glared at Legolas, "I'd say we're taking the long way 'round."

"Isn't any way you take the long way?" Legolas said with a smirk.

"Shut it, laddie. Gandalf, we could pass through the mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

"No, Gimli." Gandalf said immediately. "I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice."

"Stop the parody!" Pippin cried. "Everybody stop!" Next to Pippin, Merry pulled a whistle from out of nowhere and began to blow it.

"Halt!" Pippin then turned to the readers as Merry took the whistle out of his mouth and also faced the readers.

"Now children," Pippin began, "you should listen to what Gandalf says here. Gandalf is using the literary technique of foreshadowing."

"Yes, children, what Pippin is saying is that Moria will become important later in the story. Write that down, little ones!" Merry said with a smile.

"And now," the best friends said in unison, "on with the show!"

The Fellowship just stared at Merry and Pippin.

Merry and Pippin cleared their throats again and repeated, "and now, on with the show!"

The Fellowship continued to stare at Merry and Pippin.

"Oh just resume the damn conversation!" Merry yelled as Pippin hit his face with his palm.

"…But I just ended the conversation, why do I need to start it up again?" Gandalf asked Merry and Pippin, confused.

"Oh for the love of…" Merry muttered.

"Look, Gandalf, you don't need to continue that conversation, you can talk about something else if you want, just talk about something! Pretend Merry and I didn't say anything!" Pippin said to Gandalf, beginning to get frustrated.

"Well what should we talk about?" Gandalf asked.

"It doesn't matter, talk about anything!" Pippin said.

"But what?"

"I don't know! Just talk about that random dark cloud over there!"

"What is that anyway?" Sam said, nodding toward the cloud.

"Nothing, it's just a wisp of cloud." Gimli replied.

"It's moving fast…against the wind." Boromir said dramatically.

Legolas moved a little farther away from the Fellowship to get a better look at the cloud, using his elf vision, which help him see better. In other words, he used what we now call contact lenses. Finally, he discovered that it was not a cloud, but birds. "Crebain from Dunland!"

"What?" asked the Hobbits.

"Scary birds!" Legolas replied as he began to run for cover.

"Hide!" yelled Aragorn.

"Quick! Merry, Pippin, come here!" Boromir yelled.

"Take cover!" yelled Aragorn.

The Fellowship all hid under conveniently placed bushes, safe from the passing crebain.

Suddenly, Frodo had a thought. "Hey, Aragorn?" Frodo whispered under the bushes.

"What?" Aragorn whispered back.

"If it's this dark, why do we actually need to hide when they won't be able to see us?"

"…It's in the script!" Aragorn whispered.

Frodo rolled his eyes and sighed. "Of course…"

At the same time as this conversation went on, a similar one went on above it.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" one of the crebain asked the leader of the crebain.

"What?" said the lead crebain.

"If it's this dark, and we can't see anything and hypothetically speaking they were hiding, why would they be hiding if we wouldn't be able to see them?"

"Look, it's in the script that we look for them, so we look for them. Don't ask questions, just fly." With that, the lead crebain flew ahead.

"Of course…" muttered the original crebain, who then looked at the camera. "You know, I never even wanted to do this. I never wanted to fly around all day and spy on hobbits. I wanted to be…a lumberjack!" The crebain then started to pose and music began to play in the backround. However, seeing as this was not important to the plot of the story, the camera moved away from that one crebain and focuses again on the Fellowship.

"It's a fair cop," the crebain said off screen as he and the other crebain flew away.

"Spies of Saruman." Gandalf said as he got out of his hiding spot. "The passage south is being watched. We must take the pass of Caradhras." Gandalf said as he looked at the mountains.

"Wait a minute," Frodo began, "those are the Caradhras?"

"Yes." Gandalf replied.

"The mountains that are covered in snow are the Caradhras?" Frodo asked.

"Yes." Gandalf replied again.

"Do you realize that you have four barefoot hobbits with you? And a pony, who has not be heard from in a very long time due to contractual obligations with his new movie which is coming out December 15th?" Frodo asked.

"Yes." Gandalf said again.

"Well, that seems fair to me." Merry said as Pippin and Sam nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, we can make this work." Aragorn said.

"I can walk on snow!" Legolas put in.

"Shut it, elf." Gimli said to Legolas.

"Oh, if my father knew about this…" Boromir muttered to himself.

Frodo merely put his face in his palm. "I'm doomed."

* * *

So, after many hours of grueling travel, which will not be shown here due to extreme the boringness and uneventfulness of the scene, the Fellowship was finally on the Caradhras. They were walking in the snow, with the hobbits barefoot and cold.

"Why didn't anybody say we shouldn't go this way because of the snow?!" Merry asked, annoyed.

"Gee, I have no idea…" Frodo replied in a monotone as he rolled his eyes.

"It's freezing, and this cold weather is making me starving!" Pippin said as he put his hands on his stomach.

"Pip, everything makes you hungry" Merry said.

"Regardless!" Pippin retorted.

The entire Fellowship simply rolled their eyes.

As Frodo took another step, he slipped and fell, rolling backwards down the mountain.

"Frodo!" Aragorn cried as he tried to catch the hobbit.

Frodo however continued to roll. Snow began to surround Frodo and he gained speed. Frodo had slowly but surely turned into a hobbit snowball.

So, Frodo rolled…and rolled…and continued to roll. And the Fellowship ran…and ran…and continued to run.

Finally, at the bottom of the mountain they were climbing, the snowball formerly known as Frodo stopped, and the Fellowship stopped running alongside it a few moments later, all completely out of breath.

"...You…bastard…" Merry said, out of breath.

"You…made us…run…all the way…from the…and the…down the…" Pippin said, however before he was able to from completely sentences Pippin keeled over and fell asleep.

"Mr. Frodo, are you ok?" Sam asked, out of breath not due to tiredness but due to worry.

"Sam…I'm fine…just cold." Frodo replied.

"Hey Frodo," Aragorn began, "where's the Ring?"

At that moment, Frodo felt his neck and realized the chain with the Ring on it fell off.

In the remaining snowball, Boromir, who had been quietly thinking to himself how the future steward of Gondor should not have to run down a mountain after a hobbit, noticed something shiny…gold and shiny. He liked both. So logically, Boromir leaned down to pick up the shiny, and realized that it was the Ring. Boromir stared at the Ring for a really long time.

"Boromir." Aragorn said when he noticed Boromir had the Ring.

Boromir continued to stare at the Ring. The young choir started to sing in the backround.

"Where is that coming from?" Pippin whispered to Merry.

"It's the soundtrack, don't question it." Merry replied.

Boromir continued to stare at the Ring as if he were in a trance. "It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing…such a little thing…"

Boromir's mind then began to wander. Boromir imagined that instead of just being crowned steward, he was crowned as the king of Gondor. The crowd was chanting, 'Boromir! Boromir!' Then, Boromir walked over to Arwen, who was there in a short white dress. Boromir quickly got a city official who proceeded to marry Boromir and Arwen. Boromir then took Arwen to his chambers and closed the door. Arwen's voice could be heard loudly, 'Boromir! Boromir! Boromir!'

"Boromir! Boromir! Boromir!" Aragorn's voice said, bringing Boromir back to reality.

Boromir looked around in a daze, and was very upset to find that reality was not the paradise it was in his fantasy, and that the person calling his name was Arwen's lover rather than Arwen.

"Give the Ring to Frodo." Aragorn said, a hint of a threat in his voice.

Boromir slowly walked over to Frodo, his eyes still on the Ring. "As you wish, I care not." Boromir held out the Ring to Frodo.

Frodo tried to grab the Ring, but Boromir wouldn't let go. "Boromir. Boromir. Come on, let it go."

Boromir pouted, and slightly loosened his grip.

"Loosen it a little more."

Boromir finally released the Ring.

"Thank you!" Frodo said as he placed the chain over his neck again and Boromir walked away.

"Now," Gandalf said, "I suggest we climb up this mountain without falling again, alright?"

The Fellowship groaned and everyone glared at Frodo, however they trudged back up the mountain.

* * *

After a very, very, very, very, very, very (at this point the Narrator paused to breathe), very, very, very long time, the Fellowship had climbed back up the mountain and were halfway across it.

So naturally, a storm had to show up and ruin things for them.

The Fellowship was making their way through a bad storm when they could hear a voice overhead.

"So, Gandalf, you tried to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails…where then will you go?" said the voice.

"Oh no…" Aragorn said as he listened to the voice. "It's a voiceover! I hate these, they always have them." Aragorn and the rest of the Fellowship (except Legolas) groaned.

"If the mountain defeats you," the voice continued, "will you risk a more dangerous road?"

The voice then started chanting from far off in what sounded like an Elvish language.

"There is a fell voice on the air. Where is that voice coming from?" Legolas said.

"Legolas, we've established that." Aragorn said.

"It's Saruman!" Gandalf yelled as a bunch of snow fell on the Fellowship.

"He's trying to bring down the mountain!" Aragorn yelled to Gandalf, trying to be heard over the roaring winds. "Gandalf we must turn back!"

"We can't! There would be no story!" Gandalf yelled back. "Losto Caradhras," Gandalf began to chant in Sindarin, "sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith!"

Not wanting to miss out on the yelling, Merry and Pippin shouted, "Boo! Saruman smells like a hamster! He stinks! His mother was not fit to be a window dresser!"

Frodo and Sam stared at Merry and Pippin. "Very mature," Frodo and Sam said at the same time. The friends then turned to each other, excited about saying the same thing at the same time, and yelled "brain waves!"

Meanwhile, Saruman had been chanting back in Quenya, "cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar!" As Saruman finished chanting, lightning struck the mountain, and rocks and snow came tumbling down on the Fellowship and completely covered them.

So, the Fellowship stayed under the snow for a few seconds. Then, when it seemed like nothing could come out from under the snow…nothing did. Wait, what? Ahem, I said, when it seemed like nothing could come out from under the snow…why aren't you guys coming up? Audience, please stand by.

Psst, guys! Why are you still down there? Come out!

Nothing happened.

The Narrator looked around the scene and spotted a note that said: "Out to lunch, be back later. –Pippin and Co."

Of course…Please stand by while I try to bring them back from lunch. In the mean time, here is a clip of the Fellowship at lunch.

* * *

"Oh that looks good," Merry said as he fixed his lunch. "Want a tomato, Sam?"

"Yes, please. Anyone want some bacon?" Sam asked.

"I'll have some," Gimli said as he held his plate out.

"Anyone want lembas?" Legolas asked the table.

"What is it?" Frodo asked.

"Elven bread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man." With that, Legolas took a bite, and then passed it to his bodyguards.

"How many did you eat?" Merry whispered to Pippin.

"Four." Pippin replied, burping quietly.

"What is this?!" Elrond said as he barged into the room.

"Lunch." Pippin replied.

"Shouldn't you be out on a quest right now?" Elrond said.

"We need a break! We can't do this quest thing night and day and day and night!" Frodo said in protest.

"Frodo Baggins, you will go and destroy the Ring and you will like it! Now, all of you, go!"

In response to Elrond, the Fellowship started throwing food at him.

Elrond finally gave up, turned around and walked away. "I do not like you people…"

After Elrond was out of an earshot, Gandalf spoke, "So, wanna get back to work?"

"Sure." The Fellowship replied in unison, leaving lunch and returning to the snow.

* * *

Finally, when it seemed like nothing could come out of the snow, (please let something come out from the snow)…the Fellowship stuck their heads out of the snow. About time, too.

"Shut it, elf." Gimli said to the Narrator.

"We must get off the mountain, make for the Gap of Rohan!" Boromir shouted to Gandalf. "And take the west road to my city!"

"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isenguard." Aragorn said.

"If we cannot pass over the mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria." Gimli said to Gandalf, who just stared in reply.

"Moria…" the voiceover of Saruman said as the Fellowship groaned ("not another voiceover!" Aragorn said). "You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-d_û_m: shadow and flame."

"H-h-hold on k-kids." Merry said while shivering in the cold.

"Y-y-y-yea-ah. R-remember wh-what we said-d-d about f-f-f-foresh-shadow-w-wing?" Pippin said, also shivering like crazy.

"W-well th-there it is." Merry said.

Gandalf interrupted the hobbits. "Let the Ring bearer decide. Frodo?"

Wanting to get out of the cold and save his friends, Frodo quickly said, "We will go through the mines."

Gandalf's heart dropped. "So be it."

* * *

Back in the Narrator's room, where candles were lit so the Narrator could see, the Narrator was helping himself to a drink from his red bottle.

Oh thank goodness for this bottle. The Fellowship never listens to me…but at least my red bottle is here for me.

The Narrator took another swig from the bottle before noticing the readers were staring at him.

Oh hai! Yes, umm, tune in next week for the next installment of umm, of uhh…for the Rings of uhh, of…oh whatever it is you're reading, it's something like that.

With another swig of his red bottle, the Narrator fell over, thankfully onto his bed, and fell asleep.


	12. The Path to the Mines of Moria

**Note from the Author:**

So... hi. Yeah, it's been a year since I've updated. I apologize greatly! My life has been kinda really insane for a while, but now it's settling down, so I wanna get back to writing fanfiction. Hopefully you guys like this chapter, and I want to really try to update like once a week. Again, I'm sorry for the vextremely long delay, but without futher ado, here is the next chapter in our saga!

**Chapter Twelve: The Path to the Mines of Moria**

Darkness. That is all that can be seen. Mostly due to the fact that our story is opening up late at night. It also might have something to do with the fact that our damn production company has not fixed the lighting situation yet… Really, gentlemen it has been long enough. The Narrator sighed, but continued.

When we last left off, our heroes were on their way to Moria. You'd think they'd be there and done with all of this by now… Anyway, the Company had been walking and was finally nearby.

"The walls… of Moria!" Gimli said with a gasp as the music strengthened in the background.

Pippin looked around. "Did you hear that too, Merry?" he asked. Merry was bored, and wanted to have fun with his best friend.

"Hear what?" Merry asked, feigning innocence. "I haven't a clue what you're talking about."

"That music. The music that's playing right now." Pippin replied.

"I don't know what you could mean." Merry said, fighting a smirk. Frodo and Sam giggled lightly in the background, but Pippin did not hear.

"Wow… I must have the superpower to play background music in real life. I must use this power for good." Pippin thought to himself.

Suddenly, instead of dramatic music, "It's a Small World After All" began to play. The Fellowship stopped abruptly and turned around and stared at Pippin, who was doing a small dance to the song.

"Hobbits…" Gandalf said quietly as he rolled his eyes.

Suddenly, a wolf howled.

"The wolves of Isengard!" Legolas shouted in fear.

Oh, so sorry about that. It's a dog toy. My dog has a toy wolf that howls, the Narrator explained. A few more howls were heard followed by the Narrator saying "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You are!"

Suddenly, a different howl was heard.

"The wolves of Isengard!" Legolas shouted once again.

But alas, Legolas was again wrong. The background music had changed from "It's a Small World" to "Thriller" and that is where the howl came from. Pippin hummed along to the song, unaware that he had just annoyed Legolas by causing him to be wrong (which for the record he normally never was).

Once again, a wolf howled. "You know what, let's just pretend we never heard that and move on." Legolas said exasperated.

Aragorn patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay, it's okay. If you had done it once more, I would have started calling you 'The Elf Who Cried 'Warg'', so maybe it's for the best that you didn't." With that, the Fellowship walked off.

"I don't get it," said a voice from the bushes. Suddenly two wolves came out of the bushes. "Wasn't my howl alright?"

"Of course! That was the best howl I ever heard!" the other wolf replied as the first wolf started to sob in his own wolfish way. "It's okay buddy, we'll get them in The Two Towers don't you worry." The sad wolf nodded and both wolves ran back to Isengard.

Meanwhile, the Fellowship were walking next to the walls of Moria, tapping on the walls trying to find an opening,

"Dwarf doors are often invisible." Gimli stated.

"And probably very short" Legolas whispered to his bodyguards, who had been softly caressing Legolas' hair.

"Yes Gimli," Gandalf replied, not hearing Legolas. "Even their own masters cannot find them."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Legolas retorted.

Gimli got very angry. "Relax," he thought to himself, "in a few moments you will be surrounded by fellow dwarfs who will be able to kick the ruddy elf and his damn bodyguards." With that thought, Gimli felt much better.

"You know, we would be able to see it better with moonlight…" Gandalf said. Gandald waited for a result, but nothing happened.

"Ahem, I said, we would be able to see it better with moonlight…" Still nothing was heard.

Suddenly, heaving sawing could be heard, followed by the sound of a chainsaw. The smell of paint lingered heavily in the air. The Fellowship sniffed and looked around as Pippin whispered "wasn't me this time."

There were a few thuds. Then, some creaking, and a few grunts. Finally, with more loud creaking sounds, a large white painted circle labeled THE MOON appeared in the sky.

"You'd think for such a famous story we'd have better funding" Frodo said as he looked at the camera, unheard by the others.

Finally, due to the "moonlight", white letters appeared on the door.

"About time…" Gandalf muttered. Suddenly, the wall became illuminated and the door was seen. There was writing on the door. "It reads, 'Congratulations, if you can read this you are literate… Dwalin and Oin forever with a heart symbol… Speak 'friend' and enter."

"What do you suppose that means?" Sam asked.

"Well it's quite simple, if you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open" said Gandalf.

"I don't think that's what it means," Merry said, what's the Elvish word for friend?" Merry's question went ignored.

"Oh I got this" said Boromir as he walked in front of the Fellowship. "BOROMIR." The doors did not move. Boromir looked shocked. "Impossible! I'm always the answer!"

"Actually, I think the answer is the Elvish word for friend." Merry repeated again unheard.

Hours passed. Pippin got bored and was throwing stones in the water. Little did he know he was throwing it at a horrible monster lurking underneath, ready to come out and attack. However, Aragorn stopped him. "Do not disturb the water."

"Wait, I have an idea! What's the Elvish word for friend?" Frodo asked eagerly.

"Wow, I wonder why no one asked that before!" Merry said, annoyed and ignored.

"Melon." Gandalf said, and with that the doors opened.

"We could have been inside by now if you listened to me…" Merry muttered.

"You say something?" Pippin asked as Merry sighed.

As the Fellowship walked into Moria, they noticed it was not full of dwarves, but something much worse. Parrots. Lots of parrots.

"Gandalf, what's happened?" Frodo said, confused.

"No! No!" Gimli screamed. "NOOOO!"

"This is much worse than I ever imagined. The orcs have been here." Gandalf said gravely as Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas got their weapons out, prepared to fight.

"How do you know? And what's with all parrots?" asked Frodo as a parrot landed on Pippin's shoulder.

"When an orc kills you, you don't die." Gandalf said ominously. "Something much worse happens. You turn into a parrot."

"Let's make for the Gap of Rohan. This is much too dangerous. Now get out, get out!" Boromir yelled. As he yelled this, something grabbed Frodo and pulled him out of the cave.

Frodo didn't know what happened, but suddenly he was upside down and being held by a giant octopus.

"Well, hello there good sir," the octopus said as Frodo screamed. "I'm sorry but could you tell me who exactly was throwing rocks at me?"

Suddenly, the octopus was being hacked at with swords and shot at with arrows. "Well I say! Gentlemen, please get a hold of yourselves! I beg your pardon!" The octopus' protests were ignored.

After several minutes of the octopus asking Frodo to help him and asking Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas to stop being attacked, the octopus gave up. "What a rude bunch of reprobates!" The octopus said as he dropped Frodo. Then, the octopus went back underwater, but on his way down he accidentally hit the entrance to the mine and the Fellowship was trapped inside.

It was dark once again. There was nothing but silence, And the squawking of the parrots, which was unbelievably loud. Finally, Gandalf used his staff to light up the room.

"We now have but one choice," Gandalf said. "We must face the long dark of Mora. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than parrots in the deep places of the world."

With that, the Fellowship began their journey into the bird filled darkness that awaited them…


	13. Journey in the Dark

Chapter Thirteen: Journey in the Dark

Darkness. Yet Again. Nothing but darkness. Suddenly, a familiar fireplace lights up and a familiar lounge is illuminated. The camera moves across the room and a particularly beautiful male elf with long brown hair and a dreamy smile and infinite wisdom sits in a comfortable red chair and narrates.

"Hello," he says, flashing his dazzling smile. "I am Lord Elrond, your narrator. Welcome to the _Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style_. My luscious voice will make you feel like you're a part of the story. So sit back, relax, and listen to the sound of my voice."

As he concluded his speech, Lord Elrond raised a glass of wine to toast the camera and again displayed his winsome smile as the scene faded to black.

* * *

Darkness, once again. And the never ending sound of parrots squawking. Suddenly, the lights came on. The entire room was illuminated. The Fellowship could be seen in all of their glory, and were as confused as ever. The parrots, with their beautiful plumage, could also be seen.

"What's all this?" Gandalf said. "We're underground! The scene requires darkness. What's happened with the lighting?"

"Sorry!" shouted a distant voice. "I'm new here! I'm the new light guy! I'm supposed to control the lights now. I was the old light guy's apprentice. My name's Luke. Really I'm like a HUGE fan of this series, could we maybe take some pics later? I need to prove to my aunt that you're real! Plus I need to a new facebook default, naw mean?"

The Fellowship did not reply; their faces displayed bewilderment.

"Aight, I'll turn the lights out. Good luck on the quest. Lucas out, yeah boiiii!" With that, the lights went out, and with the exception of squawking, all was quiet.

"Merry…what just happened?" Pippin whispered.

"I don't know, Pip. I do not know." Merry replied.

So, in the darkness once again except a light radiating from Gandalf's staff, the Fellowship traveled on.

After a few days of traveling, the Fellowship arrived at a fork in the road. Well it wasn't a literal road, more of a path, but there were still three different paths stemming from that one path. So, the Fellowship arrived at a fork in the path.

Gandalf looked at the different paths, deciding which to take. There was a sign above one of the paths that said "EXIT" in bold black letters. However, being surrounded by darkness, the Fellowship could not see the sign.

At last, Gandalf spoke. "I have no memory of this place. I think we should take a break… indefinitely." Gandalf sat down, defeated, and the Fellowship followed.

So they sat. And sat. Just sat there. Awkwardly staring at each other in the dark, unable to see.

"Merry?" Pippin asked the person next to him tentatively.

"No," replied the person. "I'm Gimli. Stupid hobbit, judging me for my size…"

"Sorry!" Pippin moved to the next person. "Merry?"

"How dare you, small one? To think I, Boromir, the son of Denethor, the war hero of Gondor, the…" Pippin walked away even though Boromir's speech continued.

"Pippin, I'm over here" Merry replied in the dark.

"Where? I can't see you" Pippin asked as a he walked on Sam's foot.

"Ouch! Tha' hurt! A lot! Oh Mr. Frodo, I hate being barefoot." Sam whined as Pippin whispered his apologies.

"Merry?" Pippin asked, wandering very close to the edge of a cliff.

"Pippin. Do. Not. Move. Back up." Merry said seriously, and Pippin listened. Suddenly, Pippin tripped and fell on top of Merry.

Quietly, and nervously, Pippin asked, "Merry?"

Merry sighed. "Yes, Pippin," he said, "it's me."

Pippin noticed something, and wondered aloud, "you never told me you had a carrot in your pocket."

Merry did a double take before he realized his natural reaction to someone on top of him "Oh right, yes I have a carrot. But… it's poisonous. Yeah. I'm saving it, you know in case we meet any orcs." Merry hoped Pippin was gullible enough to believe it, and in fact he was.

While Merry and Pippin were having their "moment", Frodo had gone over to talk to Gandalf after he saw something moving. It is unknown how exactly he saw the moving object in the darkness, but for the time being Frodo has night vision from the Ring.

"Gandalf, there's something moving down there!" Frodo exclaimed quietly.

"Are you sure it's not the parrots?" Gandalf asked. "They've been flying and squawking for a while."

"Definitely not," Frodo replied, "it did not have the beautiful plumage."

"'Beautiful plumage'? The plumage don't enter into it!" Gandalf said, losing himself to the dialogue. "Oh, sorry, sorry. Well in that case, it's Gollum."

"Gollum?" Frodo asked.

"Yes, you know, Gollum. He had the Ring originally, your Uncle Bilbo took it from him, he's out for revenge and he wants the Ring back. You know, Gollum." Gandalf said.

"No, I know who he is, I'm wondering what he's doing here." Frodo replied.

"Oh, well he's probably after the Ring. He's been following us for three days." Gandalf said casually.

"And you didn't tell me, the Ring bearer, because…?"

"Well I didn't think it was necessary" Gandalf said as Frodo sighed.

"It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!" Frodo said in anger.

"Well Frodo, many who live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo?" Gandalf asked.

"Well I mean I could try, it's probably unlikely but you know I could attempt."

"No, the correct answer was 'no'. Do not be so eager to deal out death and judgment. My heart tells me Gollum will have some part to play… for good or ill. Not to mention it's in the script." Gandalf said as Frodo looked at him confused.

"The script? Is it really? I didn't read that far into it." Frodo said.

"Oh yes," Gandalf replied, "it's not in this story though it's later on."

"Oh, alright then." Frodo said with a shrug, and then he sighed. "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened!"

"So do all who live to see such times, but it is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you." Gandalf said seriously.

"Wow, dude that was deep." Frodo said with a smile.

"Oh thank you. You know wizard wisdom and all. I love saying wise things. Oh by the way, I think the exit's that way." Gandalf said, pointing at the path with the unseen exit sign above it.

"He's remembered!" Merry exclaimed happily.

"Well not really, but I just happened to figure out what exactly the word 'exit' meant and that we wanted to find it." Gandalf said, smilingly cluelessly, as the Fellowship sighed and shook their heads in frustration.

So the Fellowship walked. And walked. They continued to walk, until finally, they came to the bottom of the stairs they had been walking on and saw enormous pillars that had been built by the dwarves.

"Behold," Gandalf cried, "the great realm of the dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf!" As Gandalf said this, background music began to play again.

"Wow," Pippin thought. "I can start some serious dramatic music." Alas, Pippin still believed he was the controller of the music.

So the Fellowship walked on, with Pippin enjoying the music. Finally, Gimli saw a small room where his cousin Balin would have been located in. Gimli realized this and ran to the room, with the Fellowship chasing after him.

In the middle of the room, there was a throne. On that throne was a particularly regal looking parrot; this is what had become of poor Balin. Gimli fell to his knees and cried.

Gandalf sighed and looked at the parrot. "He's a bird, then. It's just as I feared." Gandalf spoke as Gimli wept.

On the ground near the throne, a parrot sat on a book. Gandalf reached for the book and the parrot flew away. Gandalf began to read: "They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. We cannot get out. Drums, drums in the deep. And parrots as well. Mostly drums, and not so many parrots really. What I mean is the parrots can definitely be heard squawking and flapping their wings loudly, but the orcs are louder. So if I could place a number volume on it, it would be parrots 5, orcs 10. Okay maybe not that much, more like orcs 10 parrots 7. although that's a little much too. Maybe orcs 11 and parrots 7. Yes, that works. Oh no, they're opening the door! Wow that arrow is coming straight at…" The writing slanted down and stopped.

As Gandalf read, Pippin walked around the room and near a well, he saw a parrot on a bucket. Pippin decided he wanted to pet the parrot. Pippin tried to pet him, but the parrot resisted. Eventually Pippin had tried to pet the parrot with such force that it knocked the bucket into the well; the parrot however flew away and was unharmed.

The bucket, however, was not so lucky. It fell down the well, down and down and down. It made lots of sounds and scared all the parrots. The sounds of the bucket plus the sounds of the frightened parrots could be heard throughout Moria. Then, silence.

Gandalf glared at the young hobbit, who was now looking down and seemed about to cry. "You fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"

Suddenly, drums started playing. Not like background music, like just drums. Battle drums if you will. The parrots started squawking again also. The drums and the parrots were about equally loud. However, maybe the drums were a bit louder than the parrots, but it was pretty much even.

The Fellowship looked at each other, understanding what was about to happen.

* * *

Darkness, again. Suddenly, a fireplace is once again lit and a lounge is illuminated. Lord Elrond is smiling at the camera, a glass of wine in his hand and a half empty bottle of wine next to him.

"Well, this is it for this chapter. Will the Fellowship be successful? Will they be able to fight the orcs? Will they not be turned into parrots? Of course they'll bloody well be fine, they're the main characters... I mean, oh dear um tune in next week for the next chapter of _The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style_! Good evening."

With that Lord Elrond smiled at the camera, raised his glass, and wondered if he would get a raise soon. I mean, I'm due for one and I am a noble elf lord, there's no reason not to give me a raise... Oh dear what I meant was um I smiled- I mean, Lord Elrond smiled at the camera, raised his glass, and nodded a goodbye to the camera as the scene faded to black. There we go, much better ending.


	14. To the Bridge of Khazaddum

Hello, dear readers! I just wanted to give you a heads up that part of this chapter is a bit more serious than humorous unfortunately. However, I promise the next chapter shall make up for it! Well, hopefully. Or you'll throw stones at me. Either option. I also want to give a shout out to my amazing beta, leafhouse 3 she's kinda really awesome, just saying. So, onto to the chapter!

P.S. Reviews would be lovely.

Note: I do not own the Lord of the Rings. In my head, yes, reality, no.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: To the Bridge of Khazad-dum**

Darkness. Silence. Darkness and silence. Suddenly, a creature came out from the shadows. He looked human, but something about him was off. Tom Bombadil is his name. He is a merry fellow. Bright blue is his jacket. And his boots…are yellow.

Bombadil was just finishing up writing in what looked like a journal, but it was very torn and old. Bombadil had written a few paragraphs so far.

_Day 17. No luck so far in finding them. I need to get them. They left me out of the story… it was their fault! To destroy me, that's what they want. How silly of them. I shall beat them to it. They shall be destroyed, yes, yes, yes. Those fools… no man can kill me. For I am Tom Bombadil! I was a merry fellow. Bright blue is my jacket. And my boots, my boots are yellow. No one hurts Tom and lives to tell the tale. No one. I will get my role back… my precious, precious role. My precious…_

Tom Bombadil closed his journal and gazed into the distance. Tom knew he'd get revenge. He'd just have to keep going. Suddenly, the sun started to rise. The sky became light Bombadil was becoming more and more unable to tolerate light. Bombadil crept back into his hiding spot and slept for the rest of the day, dreaming of his life with Goldberry being told on the big screen rather than it being excluded from the movie.

* * *

Darkess. Our story returns to Elrond's lounge, where Lord Elrond is refilling a glass of wine. Lord Elrond breathes deeply, closes his eyes, and takes a sip of wine. Lord Elrond smiles and sighs. Then, he opens his eyes and smiles warmly at the camera. "Oh, hello, I didn't see you there," Lord Elrond said with a chuckle. "Welcome to another chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style. Heads up, things are starting to look grim for the Fellowship. You may want to join me in drinking a few glasses of wine. So sit back, and don't be afraid to worry for our characters. Enjoy." Lord Elrond raises his glass at the camera and the screen fades to black.

"Oh for goodness sake they have nothing to worry about! These are main characters; they'd never be killed off. It's really a bad idea to try to get them to worry so they'd read the story. A fat lot of good that'll do, pissing your readers off worrying them…" Lord Elrond ranted on and on, thinking his microphone was off.

"Lord Elrond…" the sound manager began, "your sound is still on…"

"I'm going to pretend this never happened and you will, too. Or else."

* * *

When we last left off, our heroes' situation looked grim. The orcs were coming. There were drums in the deep. The Fellowship prepared for battle. They jammed the doors shut, and waited tensely. The doors pounded. Roars from the cave troll could be heard in the distance.

"Oh dear… they have a cave troll" Boromir announced, explaining away the roaring.

Like the rest of the Fellowship, the hobbits grabbed their swords. The last time they had used their swords (unsuccessfully) was on Weathertop. They hoped that this time they would only improve their fighting.

The doors pounded loudly, until they were pushed over by the terrible, menacing, murderous…orcs?

"Hang on a moment, hang on a moment!" Gandalf yelled in frustration. "What's all this? No, no, no, this was not in the script at all!"

Rather than being faced with a bunch of orcs, they were surrounded by mimes. Yes, mimes, the black and white striped creatures that exaggerate their actions and do not speak.

"Are you serious?" Aragorn asked. "I wanted a real battle! I can't kill you, it would feel wrong!"

"Look guys," spoke one of the mimes, surprising the Fellowship, "We don't want this anymore than you do. The problem is, the actors who are playing the orcs were supposed to arrive by plane, but there was a huge blizzard. The plane will not arrive for another week or so. The producers could not afford to lose the scene, so they hired us mimes. We are the Mimes of Moria! Get it? Get it?" The mimes all smiled exaggeratingly, looking ridiculous.

"Wait a minute, if you're mimes how could you talk?" Boromir asked, earning a round of agreement behind him.

"Oh I was only hired to speak for this one moment, and my dialogue ends now." With that, the mime stopped talking.

"I don't know how we could possibly fight these guys, they look so harmless" Aragorn said.

At that moment, the mimes took out imaginary weapons and tried shooting the Fellowship with arrows.

"I'm so confused," Legolas said, looking to his bodyguards for an explanation. As an elf, he had never seen mimes, so he was confused.

Suddenly, a roar was heard. A mime was leading the cave troll in on an imaginary rope. When the cave troll walked in, since no other action was going on, he tried attacking. The cave troll swung his club at the Fellowship. As the Fellowship tried to attack, the mimes jumped in the way and attack with imaginary weapons. The mimes were getting killed easily.

The cave troll started attacking individual members of the Fellowship. It tried beating Sam with its club, and Sam only narrowly escaped.

The cave troll then moved to its next target, Legolas. It tried slashing Legolas with its whip, but Legolas ducked. Instead, Legolas' bodyguards were killed instead, only two surviving.

"NOOO!" Legolas yelled in terror. As an attempt to get revenge Legolas climbed on top of the cave troll and tried shooting it in the head, but Legolas inflicted no damage.

Next, the cave troll attacked Merry, Pippin and Frodo. It tried hitting all three of them at once, but Merry and Pippin moved one way to escape and Frodo another way. Now that Frodo was alone, the cave troll made him its next target.

Frodo hid behind a column, hoping he was safe. However, the cave troll kept searching around the column. Aragorn saw this while fighting the mimes, which was relatively easy for him, and he tried to get to Frodo, but the mimes blocked him. Frodo made the mistake of staying in one place too long, and the cave troll discovered him. Frodo was dragged by the cave troll and was about to be stabbed when suddenly Aragorn jumped between Frodo and the cave troll, fighting off the cave troll with a spear. Then, the cave troll grabbed the spear from Aragorn and shoved Aragorn into a rock.

Now, Frodo was cornered by the cave troll. Frodo tried to run, but the cave troll shoved Frodo with the spear. Frodo hit the rock wall behind him and felt the wind get knocked out of him. The cave troll took Frodo's moment of weakness to his advantage and stabbed Frodo in the stomach with the spear.

The Fellowship heard Frodo's painful grunt, and all stopped fighting and turned their attention to Frodo. Even the mimes stopped and quietly and exaggeratingly sobbed, falling to the ground and pretending to silently wail. Since everyone wanted to get the Frodo, everyone took that opportunity to kill the mimes so they could get to Frodo.

While the mimes were being killed, Merry and Pippin jumped on to the cave troll's back in order to distract it and possibly hurt it. At the same time, Frodo slumped to the ground, unmoving, the spear still in him.

Now that the mimes were all killed, the rest of the Fellowship joined in taking down the cave troll.

"Do not worry, friends! Boromir will stop the beast!" Boromir said as he walked closer to the cave troll, ready to attack. Unfortunately, at the same time, the cave troll threw Merry off its back, and he landed right on top of Boromir.

Boromir paused for a moment, realizing he was now on the ground with the hobbit on top of him, and announced, "Do not worry, friends! Boromir has saved the hobbit!"

Pippin, now alone on the cave troll, was scared and wanted to be thrown off as well, so he used his sword to stab the cave troll in the back of the neck; at the same time, Legolas shot an arrow at the cave troll and it hit it right in the mouth. Slowly, the cave troll fell, dead. There was much rejoicing.

The Fellowship then turned their attention to Frodo, who was being propped up by Aragorn. Suddenly, Frodo started coughing, shocking everyone.

"He's alive!"" cried Sam, looking relieved as he rushed to Frodo's side.

"I'm alright," Frodo said, "'tis but a scratch! Just a flesh wound!"

"A flesh wound?" Aragorn declared. "That spear would have skewered a wild boar!"

To Sam's delight, Frodo started unbuttoning his shirt; however, instead of his bare chest, Frodo revealed to everyone the mithril he had been given by Bilbo.

"Mithril…" Gimli said in shock; mithril was one of the most valuable things to dwarves. Its value was worth greater than the Shire, according to Gandalf. "You are full of surprises, Master Baggins."

Suddenly, Gandalf sensed something. "Danger is coming. We must escape. To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" With that, the Fellowship started to run.

Soon enough, the Fellowship were being chased after by mimes. The Fellowship ran until they were surrounded by mimes.

"Gandalf?" Aragorn asked quietly.

"Yes?" Gandalf replied.

"Are we supposed to feel scared? They're defenseless mimes who won't really do anything…" Aragorn asked, unsure of how to act.

"To be honest, I'm as stupid as you are. Maybe look like a cross between scared and brave." Gandalf's answer seemed to satisfy Aragorn.

As a way to scare the mimes, Gimli tried yelling at them. However, at the same time, a very loud roar thundered across the mines, scaring the mimes.

"Wow, Gimli," Legolas said, "I didn't know you could do that."

"Neither did I." Gimli said, and after Gimli yelled again. However, since these yells were actual yells from him, they did not boom. "Never mind" Legolas said.

The mimes all ran away as another growl could be heard. The Fellowship, particularly Gandalf, did not move.

"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked.

"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you."

"Then why aren't we running?" Frodo asked.

"Beats me. Run!" As Gandalf said this, the Fellowship ran. They ran until the reached staircases, some of which had gaps. As he was running, Boromir also fell into one of the gaps, but was caught by Legolas. Unfortunately, one of Legolas's two remaining bodyguards was not so lucky, and he fell.

"No! Who shall protect my hair? All I have left is Jeeves. Please don't leave, Jeeves!" Legolas said to his final bodyguard. Unfortunately, as Jeeves was about to say that he would never leave Legolas, he tripped and fell into the fiery chasms under the staircase. "NOOOO!" Legolas cried. However, he was pressed forward, and the Fellowship ran.

The Fellowship arrived at a large gap in the staircase. One by one, they jumped carefully, however the gap was starting to widen. Finally it was down to Frodo, Aragorn, and Gimli left on the original staircase. Aragorn was about to toss Gimli over when Gimli put his hand up. "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" With the Gimli jumped, almost falling into the fiery chasm below, but thankfully his beard was grabbed by Legolas.

Now, Frodo and Aragorn were stuck on the staircase, the gap now too big to jump. "Of course," Frodo began, "two of the biggest characters would be stuck in a situation that would lead to their death. I feel confident; Aragorn is the only one left to rule Gondor as king, and I am the one who has the Ring. Naturally, we cannot be killed off this early."

However, at the time, the Balrog, now getting closer, stepped down, and its weight caused part of the ceiling to fall, breaking the end of the staircase. Now, Frodo's confidence diminished as the staircase he and Aragorn were standing on started to wobble. "Lean forward!" Aragorn said to Frodo, who anxiously listened. As the staircase began to fall toward the other half of the staircase that the rest of the Fellowship was on, Aragorn and Frodo fell off, Aragorn into Legolas' arms and Frodo into Sam's.

"Mr. Frodo, I really did mean it when I said if you fell I would catch you!" Sam said to Frodo, holding him.

Frodo chuckled nervously. "Ha, um thanks Sam…"

As the Fellowship resumed running down the stair case, they were now on flat ground and were nearby the bridge. Fire surrounded the Fellowship.

"Merry, why does it seem the danger in this story never ends?" Pippin asked his best friend.

"I don't think it does, Pip." Merry said as they ran faster.

"Over the bridge! Fly!" Gandalf yelled. As he yelled this, the Balrog jumped behind him and could be seen. It was very large, made of ash and covered in fire. It had a whip also composed of ash and on fire.

"I am very sorry to tell you this," the Balrog began in a posh British accent, "but you seem to have woken me up. I apologize but I must kill you now." At that moment, Gandalf ran, following the rest of the Fellowship.

The Fellowship, with Pippin in the front, had arrived at the bridge. The bridge was long, thin, had no railings, and was above a deep, dark abyss.

"Merry, I'm not so sure I want to run across this," Pippin said, terrified.

"Pip," Merry said, "look behind you. If you don't run, that thing will kill us." Pippin listened to Merry, turned around and saw the Balrog. Pippin was suddenly able to find his legs as he ran across the bridge, the rest of the Fellowship running behind him. They could see the exit just over the bridge. Many of the members started running towards the exit when they heard Gandalf.

"You cannot pass!" Gandalf yelled at the Balrog. Both were standing in the middle of the bridge and staring at each other.

"Look mate, I am a giant, deadly creature. I could step on you and squash you. You're like an ant. You're trying to tell me you are going to prevent me from passing?" The Balrog asked incredulously.

"I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor. Dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!" As Gandalf said this, a shield made of light surrounded him, protecting him from the Balrog. "You cannot pass."

"Sir, I don't really think you're in a good position to tell me if I can or cannot pass. For once thing, I could easily squash you. Also, I could knock you off the bridge. I'm sort of a large creature covered in fire. I am a Maiar, after all, so I'm similar to a god! Mate, the odds aren't really in your favor." The Balrog said, trying to talk sense into Gandalf.

"Go back to the shadow!" Gandalf yelled at the Balrog.

"Oh that is just rude! No please? What's so bad about asking 'please, sir, could you leave and go back to the shadow?' You were just rude!" As a way to scare him, the Balrog slashed his whip through the air and hit Gandalf's shield of light, breaking it.

"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled, banging his staff on the bridge. The Balrog did not see anything happen, and just thought he banged his staff on the ground just for show.

"Well, I warned you, sir!" The Balrog moved forward to attack, but as he did, the bridge under him collapsed, causing him to fall into the abyss.

Gandalf turned around to walk back to the Fellowship when…

"Bloody hell! That was rude! Oh, you are coming with me!" With that, the Balrog slashed his whip, grabbing Gandalf by the ankle in the process and pulling him down. Gandalf was now holding onto the bridge by his fingernails.

Frodo tried running to help him, but Boromir stopped him. Had Boromir let Frodo go, Frodo would have fallen while helping Gandalf up. "No! Gandalf!" Frodo cried to his mentor.

"Well don't just stand around waiting! Fly, you fools!" With that, Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss, never to come out again.


	15. Lothlorien

Chapter Fifteen: Lothlórien

Darkness. A fireplace should be going on… but it isn't. Wait a minute, why isn't the fireplace working? Lord Elrond got up to check the fireplace. Unfortunately, due to the darkness he first walked straight into the brick wall that surrounded the fireplace. After a few minutes of Elrond holding his nose in pain and trying to breathe slowly without crying (because of course noble elf lords do not cry except on the rare occasion that their daughters decide to give up their immortality in order to love a human), Lord Elrond moved around and found the fireplace.

Lord Elrond felt around the fireplace, and suddenly felt a piece of a paper and a long plastic object. Lord Elrond moved his hands around the object, trying to figure out what it was, and ended up pushing a button on it. The button caused a light to go on from the end of the object; the object, Lord Elrond realized was a flashlight. Lord Elrond used the flashlight to look at the piece of paper that was left for him.

Elrond realized it was a note left for him. The note read:

"Dear Lord Elrond, We are out of firewood. We've gone to get some from Mirkwood. Be back later. Use the flashlight until then.—the Producers of the story."

Lord Elrond sighed. He thought for a while, then decided to make the best of the situation. Pointing the flashlight at his face so the reader could see him, he spoke.

"Hello, I am Lord Elrond, and I apologize greatly for the lack of lighting. I assure you, no one regrets it more than I. Welcome to another chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style. Sit back, and if you have a fireplace, light it. Fireplaces need to be appreciated before you run out of wood." He let out a sad sigh, then reached for his glass of wine. However, due the darkness, Lord Elrond was unable to grab it and instead knocked it over. Glass was heard breaking loudly, and Lord Elrond stared to cry for the loss of a true wise friend called alcohol.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Fellowship was crying over the loss of Gandalf. Most of the Fellowship was lying on the ground, and they could do nothing but weep. Frodo was walking around disoriented, with tears falling from his eyes. Aragorn was the only composed one.

"Legolas, get them up." Aragorn said to the elf, who was looking around bewilderedly, unable to understand the loss that had transpired.

"Give them a moment for pity's sake!" Boromir said, noticeably shaken up by the sudden loss.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with mimes. Not to mention, we need to save the parody. With the death of Gandalf, it could get rather depressing, and that would not be good. Come with me, I have a few ideas for how to overcome this loss." Aragorn said.

Suddenly large bowls of ice cream with chocolate and cookie dough appeared in front of each member of the Fellowship. Despite their sadness, Merry and Pippin looked like Christmas had come early.

"What's all this for? How will this solve everything?" Sam asked, crying still and sniffling.

"It's called wallowing. To get over everything in life, you wallow. I've also got a sad movie to watch, so we can cry our eyes out." Aragorn said, somehow holding a TV and a DVD.

"Where on Middle-Earth did you get those?" Frodo asked.

"You have to own these things when you're a future king," Aragorn said, then he put on a movie. Within minutes, the Fellowship cried as they ate their ice cream. Two hours later, the Fellowship was all cried out.

"Are we ready?" Aragorn said.

"I think this is as ready as we will ever be," Frodo said, sighing, his heart heavy with grief. But Frodo knew he had to keep going, for the sake of Middle-Earth, for the sake of the parody.

And so, the Fellowship walked away from the exit of Moria, going towards the woods of Lothlórien. When they finally reached the beginning of the woods, Boromir stopped the Fellowship.

"Aragorn, I really do not think we should go in there. The men of Gondor do not speak kindly about this forest. Plus, I don't think any hot chicks would be in the woods here. I'd really like to find an attractive elleth for a future stewardess of Gondor." Boromir grinned at the thought.

"Well aside from Boromir's lust, he has a point," Gimli said. "They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods, and an elf witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell and are never seen again," Gimli said ominously.

"Guys, it is a really awesome place. I started dating Arwen in Lothlórien…" Aragorn sighed as he thought back. Frodo awkwardly cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry," Aragorn muttered.

"Maybe we should just go in," Legolas suggested. He was in desperate need of hair care products and needed to figure out what to do now that he had lost his hair bodyguards.

"Let the Ringbearer decide," Aragorn dramatically said.

After a pause, Frodo nodded. "We shall go through Lothlórien." With that, the Fellowship walked into the woods.

"_Frodo…_"

Frodo heard a voice call his name. Oh gosh, not you again, you stupid piece of jewelry.

"_Excuse me_," said the Ring. "_I am not in the mood to talk to you. I'm too frustrated about the whole mime incident. I could have been rescued, but no, there had to be mimes… but yeah Baggins that wasn't me. Maybe you're schizophrenic. You might wanna get that checked out, just saying_."

"_Wait... if it isn't the Ring doing that, then who is this mysterious female voice?_"

"_Frodo…you're coming to us, is as the footsteps of doom_," a female voice spoke to Frodo. "_You bring great evil here, Ringbearer…_"

"Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, worried for his friend.

"It's nothing, Sam, I'm just distracted," Frodo said.

"Don't worry Frodo," Gimli said after overhearing Frodo. "You can be distracted. I'll be on the lookout for the wicked elves. I have the eyes of a hawk and ears of a fox." As Gimli said this, he looked straight ahead instead of at Frodo and saw a bow and arrow pointed at him.

Elves surrounded the Fellowship, all pointing bows and arrows at them. An elf who looked like a leader approached the Fellowship, with bodyguards for his hair behind him. The elf then dramatically performed a hair flip, which seemed to be in slow motion, so all could see his luscious mane.

Immediately, Legolas felt a stab of jealously. Only he had hair like that. Who could this other elf have been to have such amazing hair? Legolas needed to get to the bottom of this.

"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark," the elf said with a smirk. How was his hair so straight yet so voluminous?

"Haldir o Lórien. Henio aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn," Aragorn spoke to the elf with the lovely hair in Elvish, who went by the name of Haldir.

"Aragorn, these woods are perilous," Gimli said, eyeing the arrows. "We should go back."

"You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood," Haldir said with a dramatic hair flip, dancing closer to Gimli. "You cannot go back."

"Wait," Legolas said. "Why are you dancing?" No, Legolas thought, dancing elves with gorgeous hair, it can't be possible.

Haldir pranced over to Legolas, doing a fantastic split before picking raising himself back up, all due to his strong muscles and of course fine hair care products.

"Ah, Legolas, son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood, we meet at last. I love what you've done to your hair. It's little out of place for a prince, but I like it." Haldir said with a smirk.

"Anyway," Haldir said, addressing the group, "you cannot go forward either. We shall let you stay among the treetops with us while we decide if you may enter Lothlórien." Suddenly Haldir turned to Frodo. Haldir spread his arms open, and two elves grabbed and lifted Haldir swiftly over to Frodo.

"You bring great evil here." Haldir said as he landed. Haldir then turned around, and he and the other elves danced away, climbing and dancing up to the treetops nimbly, leaving the Fellowship only a rope to climb up the tree with. After a few hours and after Pippin caused everyone to fall, the

Fellowship made it to the top of the trees to find the elves performing ballet.

"What is this place…" Legolas said in awe and shock.

"I worry about you sometimes" Aragorn muttered to Legolas. The Fellowship sat down amongst the trees as the sun started to set.

"You may sleep here for tonight," Haldir said while adroitly moving his body in dance. "We will keep guard down below." With that, Haldir and the elves seem to almost float away.

"Mr. Frodo," Sam quietly whispered. "Are you okay? Are you just scared because of the elves? I mean I've always wanted to see elves but are you seeing the dancing? The moves are ridiculous and never ending," Sam said, sounding alarmed.

"I'm fine, Sam. A little dancing will not get to me," Frodo said with a smile.

"Merry?" Pippin whispered to his best friend.

"No, Pippin, you cannot eat now, it is too late," Merry said, figuring he knew what Pippin would say.

"Actually I wasn't going to ask that. I was wondering, how do you think they can dance like that?"

"I don't know, Pip, but I'll ask for you tomorrow," Merry said with a smile.

"Do you think I could dance like that?" Pippin said, imaging himself dancing lightly as an elf. Merry, Frodo, and Sam all smiled to themselves at the younger hobbits' innocence.

"Yes Pip," Merry said. "One day you could dance like that."

With that the hobbits fell asleep, Pippin dreaming of dancing around like an elf, and the others having nightmares about Pippin trying to dance and destroying the Shire in the process.

* * *

During the night, Frodo had a dream. He dreamt of someone watching him, moving closer. Frodo tried opening his eyes but found himself unable to. After hearing footsteps touching the leaves on the treetops, Frodo finally willed his eyes to open. He couldn't see much, but what he did see scared him half to death: yellow boots. Surely Bombadil couldn't have found him? Would Bombadil take his role? As questions raced through Frodo's mind, he sat up and opened his eyes again, but this time he had woken himself up.

There were no boots. Everyone was asleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, Frodo laid back down. He closed his eyes and began to drift off to sleep when suddenly he felt like he was being watched again. Frodo opened his eyes and was startled to find a pair of huge yellow eyes staring back at him. Frodo blinked and as he was about to scream the eyes disappeared quickly, leaving him unable to see what the thing that stared at him was.

Frodo turned over and tried to fall asleep again. Suddenly, he felt like he was being watched again. Unsure of what he would see, Frodo cautiously opened his eyes and saw Sam staring at him.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam whispered. "Sorry to startle you, you just looked as though you were having a nightmare, so I wanted to wake you," Sam said with a smile.

Frodo couldn't breathe for a minute; Sam had surprised him quite a bit. "Sam, warn me next time!" Frodo paused for a minute, then spoke. "I'm sorry Sam, I just got a little scared. Thanks for being so nice," Frodo said as he hugged his friend, much to Sam's delight.

Suddenly, the two hobbits could hear music and grunting. Frodo and Sam crept among the treetop and looked below at the forest floor. They were surprised to see a small battle going on between the elves and the mimes of Moria. Well, it was either a battle or a dance recital.

All around the mimes, the elves danced. Their legs spun them around and in the process they were able to kick the mimes down. Haldir, in particular, was dancing the most. Haldir was very agile, not only throwing himself in the air, but also while fist pumping (a dance only done by elves in extreme circumstances). Haldir was able to punch at least a dozen mimes. The elves also assisted Haldir by lifting him in the air and twirling him, causing him to kick about ten mimes and knock them over.

The mimes held up invisible white flags and raised them. Nevertheless, the elves danced the mimes out of the forest, until the mimes had returned to Moria.

When the battle down below ended, Frodo sat and looked at Sam, confused. "How on Middle-Earth could they dance like that?"

"I don't know, Mr. Frodo, but that Haldir is very good. Do you think he trains for that?" Sam asked curiously.

"I'm not sure, but he must, there is no way anyone could be that good on their own," Frodo said. As he said this, Frodo heard a small sob.

Frodo and Sam turned around and saw Legolas, crying quietly. "No, small ones," Legolas said. "It's all natural. I wish I could dance! All I'm good at is painting. See?" Legolas held up a painting of Frodo and Sam watching the battle that had just occurred.

"Wow, that's really good!" Frodo said. "I love the blend of colors."

"Yeah, same here, also the shading, you capture the shadows quite nicely. " Sam said, admiring the portrait.

"Thank you, but still it is not as good as dancing!" Legolas quietly sobbed. The hobbits, not knowing what to do, awkwardly left Legolas alone to do a self-portrait of himself crying, and they fell asleep once again.

* * *

**Elvish translation: Haldir of Lorien. We come here for help. We need your protection.**

**Sorry the chapter was not as humorous/Monty Pythonesque as it would be. I didn't want to be too hysterical following the death of Gandalf but of course it needed some humor so I hope I found a good balance. The next chapter will be much less serious, don't worry =]**

**Also, anyone who reviews: you get invisible stickers. You have a choice of invisible stickers which have either rainbows, sparkling unicorns, or a picture of Legolas naked on them. Just because you can't see the stickers doesn't mean you don't get the gratification that the sticker is there**


	16. The Mirror of Galadriel

Greetings, all! Sorry for the delay in the posting of this chapter, I was on vacation and I had an ap exam. So I hope you enjoy this very much, and if you review you get a choice between a hobbit sticker or an elf sticker! They are awesome stickers, just so you know. Ok, now onto the chapter!

**A/N: I do not own Lord of the Rings. Also, I love New Jersey, there is a small New Jersey joke in the chapter, but I do not mean anything by it, I promise!**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen: Galadriel's Mirror**

Darkness. Unfortunately, the darkness was never ending. Lord Elrond sat alone; the producer never returned with the firewood. What Lord Elrond did not realize, however, was that the reason the producer could not return was that he was locked out. Elrond was too distraught by the loss of alcohol to notice the banging on the doors. Lord Elrond has a problem. To him, the problem is the lack of alcohol. To everyone else, it is the alcohol. Elves are said to not get drunk, so at first one would not think alcohol would be a problem. However, friends and family agree:

"It's really awful," Arwen, Elrond's daughter, said in a private interview. "He's not a normal elf sometimes. He gets really crazy and bursts into interpretive dance moves… on tables. If he was any good I might not mind as much, even though I hate dancing, but it's so bad! I had to go to Lothlórien, and the dancing there is just crazy! It was the only alternative; I just couldn't take it anymore." At that point, Arwen burst into tears and ran off.

"Seriously though, it is really annoying," one of Elrond's sons, Elladan, said as his twin Elrohir nodded in agreement. "I mean, don't get us wrong, we want him to be healthier, but—"

"—It also bothers us that he drinks our alcohol. I mean we're younger, we wanna party", Elrohir said with a frustrated sigh. "And don't tell Arwen we said this, she'd—"

"—Well to put it nicely she'd injure us where we really don't want to be injured" Elladan said as Elrohir shuttered.

"Right," Elrohir start, "well we better be going. Things to see—"

"—people to do, the usual" Elladan finished. With that, the twins wandered off. The interview must stop temporarily; for we are traveling to Lothlórien to interview Elrond's mother-in-law, Galadriel. Please stand by.

* * *

The next morning, Haldir returned to the treetops and greeted the Fellowship.

"Well, we have good news and bad news." Haldir then paused and began to move around rhythmically, causing the Fellowship to just stare at him. After about five minutes of dancing like what Haldir called a gentle swan, Frodo cleared his throat.

"Oh right, the news," Haldir said, standing straight and unmoving. "The good news for you is that we've been given permission to let you into Caras Galadhon. The bad news for me is that we've been given permission to let you into Caras Galadhon." Haldir sighed. "Follow us, but do not dance. You will not be as good." With that, Haldir danced down from the treetop, with the Fellowship carefully climbing a rope down after him.

"Is it me," Merry began to ask Pippin, "or does he seem stuck up to you?"

"Merry," Pippin said seriously. "That elf is a dancer. He has a right to be stuck up. Don't be jealous." Merry sighed and walked on, leaving Pippin to imagine what his life would be like had he become a dancer.

As the Fellowship journeyed on, the elves danced more and more, with Haldir leading them on. The elves glided, and spun around, and bounced everywhere gracefully. The elves belonged more on a stage rather than the wooden forest they were actually in.

After about thirty minutes of dancing/walking, the Fellowship reached Caras Galadhon. They also reached the stairs they had to go up to reach Galadriel's palace in the treetops. The Fellowship stared at the stairs.

"Isn't there an elevator?" Frodo asked, his short legs hurting.

Aragorn shook his head. "Unfortunately, they haven't been invented yet. We must climb the stairs." With that, the Fellowship climbed. Gimli started to pant as he became tired, and the hobbits soon followed. Legolas envied the other elves who could dance up the stairs, some in top hats and canes, while he had to walk. Aragorn and Boromir just looked at each other and began to miss Gondor, despite the fact that the former had not been there in years.

Finally, after what felt like hours, the Fellowship reached Galadriel's palace. It seemed almost ethereal. The amount of lighting in the scene would cost the production a bloody fortune…

Suddenly, Galadriel and her husband Celeborn seemed to float down from the sky. However, as they approached closer to the ground, something was heard breaking and Celeborn suddenly hung lopsided in midair as Galadriel lightly touched the ground and posed dramatically.

"Um Galadriel…" Celeborn said quietly, "I think I'm stuck…"

Galadriel sighed. "Haldir," she asked, "could you get the shears please? The wire broke again."

"Why are you on a wire?" Pippin asked, confused.

"Well," Galadriel answered before Celeborn could, "we need it sometimes for the difficult dance moves, such as floating down from the sky. It sounds stupid, but it looks amazing overall."

Pippin nodded, "actually yes, yes it did."

Finally Haldir arrived with a pair of giant scissors. He leaped into the air, twirling around, and cut Celeborn's wire, causing him to hit the ground with a grunt. Haldir bowed to Galadriel and skipped away as Celeborn righted himself.

"Right then. Ahem, as I was supposed to say, eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him." Celeborn said.

"_You couldn't have just asked me that… I am your psychic wife after all_." Galadriel telepathically said to her husband before speaking out loud. "Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land; he has fallen into shadow."

"A creature of fire and shadow has taken him," Legolas said despairingly, "a Balrog of Morgoth."

Galadriel looked at the members of the Fellowship and telepathically spoke to them individually until she spoke out loud.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace"

Suddenly, Galadriel looked at Frodo. "_Welcome, Frodo of the Shire. It's me, Galadriel, by the way, not the Ring. But yeah, welcome young hobbit… one who has seen The Eye!_" as Galadriel thought this, she widened her eyes. "_See what I did there? Yeah I made a pun… ok but yeah, hi. Ok go. Go rest. Shoo. Oh right the others can't hear me. Well, bye._" Galadriel turned and walked away into the light behind her, Celeborn following closely behind.

* * *

The Fellowship had made themselves comfortable at the base of a huge tree. The elves had set up a shelter for the Fellowship, complete with blankets and pillows. It would have been perfect in Frodo's eyes if Gandalf had been there. As Frodo thought of how much he missed Gandalf, he heard the elves singing.

"What are they saying?" Merry wondered aloud.

"A lament for Gandalf," Legolas said. "It's just so… so sad…" With that, Legolas burst into tears. Normally, this would be a very sad situation. However, when Legolas cries he makes a howling sound as well as rolls around on the floor. It is a very silly thing to watch.

"It's ok, Legolas," Aragorn said as he walked over and patted his friend on the back. "I miss him too."

"Aye, I do as well," Gimli said, walking over behind Aragorn.

"You know what? I'll leave you two to talk and mourn together. I need to go find Boromir," Aragorn said. Boromir had been absent for a little while, and Aragorn wondered what he was up to.

As Aragorn walked to find Boromir, he suddenly realized that he and the rest of the Fellowship were in Cerin Amroth, the place where he and Arwen had pledged their love for each other many years early. Aragorn smiled as he imagined himself with Arwen, confessing his love for her, kissing her, just being with her… Suddenly, Arwen seemed to appear in front of him. Aragorn, having missed her, ran over to her with a blazed look in his eyes; Arwen, however, looked confused and put her hands up to stop him.

"Aragorn, what are you doing?" Arwen said. However, instead of Arwen's own voice coming out of her mouth, it was Boromir's. Aragorn blinked a few times and suddenly Arwen's face was replaced by Boromir's.

"Oh, hi. I'm sorry; I uh saw a bug…" Aragorn muttered, looking away.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Boromir asked.

"Looking for you, actually. How about you?" Aragorn asked.

"I just… I really missed Gondor. I miss my family. I didn't expect all this. Would you like to see a picture of my little brother? He's awesome, and he's like my world. Everything I do, I do for him." Boromir said with a smile.

"Sure, I'd love to see a picture," Aragorn said as Boromir pulled out a photo from his breast pocket. "Isn't he cute?" Boromir asked as he gave Aragorn the picture.

Aragorn took the picture and was shocked to see that Boromir's little brother was a grown man. "Umm Boromir… this is your little brother? He's a grown man. He has facial hair. I don't think he's that little any more."

"He's little enough! He's younger than me at least" Boromir said as he took the picture back. "I don't know, I miss him a lot. Galadriel said something to me that reminded me of him… I heard her voice inside my head, saying 'even now, there is still hope left.' But I can't see it" Boromir said as he sighed and lowered his head.

Aragorn put his hand on Boromir's shoulder. "There is always hope."

"Really?" Boromir asked, smilingly slightly.

"No idea. But I sure as hell hope so. See what I did there? I have hope that there's hope! Ha, I am funny. Now come on, let's go back to camp and get some rest." With that, the men returned to the Fellowship.

* * *

During the night, Frodo awoke with a start. He had another dream, one which involved a pair of huge yellow eyes and another after with yellow boots. Frodo sat up and looked around, seeing if there was anyone around with either yellow eyes or yellow boots. However, all Frodo saw was Galadriel, walking barefoot in the grass.

"Frodo…" Frodo heard her voice inside her head. "Follow me."

Without a second thought, Frodo got up and followed after Galadriel. After walking through a small meadow and down stone stairs, Frodo found himself in an enclosed area with a stone basin in the middle. Galadriel stood before the mirror, a jug of water in her hands.

"Will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked.

"What will I see?" Frodo asked curiously.

"Well you'll see yourself. You can adjust your appearance. It really helps; I use my mirror all the time. Oh, you also see things that were, things that are, and some things that have no yet come to pass. Look in if you dare." Galadriel said, a smirk playing upon her face.

Frodo stepped forward as Galadriel poured water in the basin. Since Galadriel was telepathic, she could see what Frodo saw. "Oh my gosh! That guy is so weird looking!" Galadriel shouted in shock. Galadriel then realized she was looking at Frodo's reflection of himself in his mind. "Oh, not you. I meant the guy I saw up there…" Frodo turned to look up at the guy. "Don't bother, he's gone now" Galadriel said quickly. Frodo turned and looked at the mirror again without a second thought (and Galadriel would know).

As Frodo looked into the mirror, he saw the Fellowship's faces staring back at him. He then saw what looked like a dark and horrible place. There was nothing but ash and suffering. No, it wasn't New Jersey. It was the Shire; rather, it was an evil version of the Shire. Suddenly, the image was gone and in its place was the Eye of Sauron.

"_Hey Frodo…_" the Eye said, "_I don't know how I can talk really, but that's not the point. See that ring you have around your neck? Yeah, that one! The gold one with the inscription in black speech! Yeah could I have that? its kinda mine and it was stolen from me, I'd really love to get it back._" Frodo leaned forward, the Ring dangling from his neck. "_Yes!_" Sauron said, "_just a bit closer, just a bit more…_"

Suddenly, Frodo realized what he was doing and jumped back, "no!" Frodo clutched the Ring in his fists and fell to the ground.

"I know what it is you saw" Galadriel said out loud. "_For it is also in my mind…_" she said telepathically to Frodo. "_It is what will come to pass… if you should fail_." It should be noted that while telepathically saying this to Frodo, Galadriel was dramatically flipping her hair and walking around the room. "_The Fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know of whom I speak. One by one, it will destroy them all_."

"If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring" Frodo said as he extended his hand to Galadriel.

"You offer it to me freely?" Galadriel said, moving closer. "I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this," she said as she reached it. Suddenly, the sky darkened, and Galadriel developed a dark aura. "In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen. Not dark, but beautiful, and as terrible as the dawn, as treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth! Not to mention extremely awesome and attractive, and wanted by all. Complete with lovely hair, and a larger role in this story. Honestly, I deserve a bigger role than this. I'm rather wise and I'm attractive, I don't understand why I'll be in this story for only a few chapters. My granddaughter is in it more than me and she gets a love story. What is that? Meanwhile I get a guy who hangs from the ceiling on wire and can't dance properly… Oh dear, oh dear," Galadriel started to calm down and return to her normal appearance, though she was shaken up. "I passed the test. I shall diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."

"I cannot do this alone…" Frodo said, tears forming in his eyes, still not getting over the fact that the Fellowship was breaking apart. Everything had been going so well, too. Where did things go wrong?

"You are a ring bearer, Frodo. To bear a ring of power is to be alone" Galadriel said with a hair flip before extending her hand with a ring on it. "This is Nenya, the ring of adamant, and I am its keeper. Nenya, Frodo, Frodo, Nenya." Galadriel said, introducing the two."

"Oh, um nice to meet you…" Frodo said, wondering what it was with the personified jewelry in the story.

"Frodo," Galadriel said, a serious look in her eyes, "This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will."

"I know what I must do," Frodo said, "it's just that… I'm afraid to do it."

Galadriel smiled at Frodo. "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."


	17. Farewell to Lorien

**Chapter 17: Farewell to Lórien**

When we last left off, the amazing and seductive narrator, Lord Elrond, was being discussed in Elf Weekly by those who knew him best. Lord Elrond had a problem: alcoholism. Elrond did not think he had a problem; in fact, he had been noted for saying he could stop at any time. But as time passed, and as narrating the story grew more stressful, Elrond got worse and worse. Here to comment on Elrond's alcoholism is Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien.

"What, that's it? 'Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien', nothing more? Not 'Galadriel, Lady of Light, Lady of the Galadhrim, and Ruler of Lothlórien'? Not 'Galadriel, the wise keeper of Nenya'? Not even 'Galadriel, the wise and stunningly beautiful ruler of Lothlórien, winner of Elf Weekly's Best Hair Award for the past 1,000 years, who has been saving the world from utter stupidity with her wiseness for 7,000 years'? Well, ok, I guess 'Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien' is fair enough…"

Normally, we would have our narrator do the interview, but he is being interviewed, so we had to find a replacement. Since he has been out of a job and doing nothing but looking for Narrators 1 and 2, whom you should remember; their whereabouts are currently unknown) and stalking Frodo Baggins, we have temporarily hired Mr. Tom Bombadil to do the interview.

"So, Lady Galadriel—may I call you Lady Galadriel?" Bombadil asked.

"Oh yes, I don't mind," Galadriel said with a polite smile.

"Alright, so Galadriel—may I call you Galadriel? I don't want to be too formal, you know," Bombadil asked again.

"Don't worry, Galadriel is perfectly alright," she said, still smiling kindly.

"Ok, so how did Lord Elrond begin drinking Galadrielcakes?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Galadrielcakes'. Call me Galadriel. Anyway, Elrond took up drinking after his wife, my daughter Celebrian, was severely injured and had to leave Middle-Earth. It was hard for all of us, but she was his wife after all. He was never quite the same."

"It really is a tragedy, Galadybaby."

"No, I'm sorry, but I refuse to respond to that. I simply cannot." Galadriel looked sternly at Bombadil.

"I can't help it! Come on, Galadriel, let's leave this place! Why are we doing this interview? You don't care about Elrond, I don't care either! We can go far away! And be together!" Of course, Bombadil did not actually have feelings for Galadriel at all; Goldberry had his heart. However, Bombadil was so desperate for a role that he was hoping that by running away with Galadriel he could take over Celeborn's role and have a part.

Galadriel, however, saw right through this. She stood up and stared intensely at Bombadil. "This interview is over." Galadriel then turned around and walked away.

And there you have it; that is the story of Elrond's downfall in the eyes of his mother-in-law. More information about Lord Elrond will be released momentarily in the next edition of Elf Weekly.

* * *

The Fellowship had stayed in Lothlórien for a few days and the time had come for them to leave.

"Wake up everyone," Aragorn said that morning, "we're leaving shortly. We need to continue on." One Fellowship member, however, would not move.

"Frodo," Aragorn said, "you have to get up now."

"No!" Frodo cried. "You can't make me! I don't want to leave the happy place! Don't make me leave!"

Aragorn sighed. "Frodo, you need to leave the happy place now. It's time to go."

"NO!" Frodo yelled as he pulled his blankets over his head.

Aragorn sighed. Finally, seeing no other option, he picked up Frodo, blankets and all, and carried him away, with Frodo screaming in protest. Upon seeing this, the other hobbits kept to themselves and stayed away from the taller members of the Fellowship.

After they were all packed and ready to go, the Fellowship awaited near the river Anduin while the elves put their belongings into the boats. The hobbits were not particularly happy about having to be in the boats; hobbits were afraid of water due to the fact that many of them drown. Frodo's parents were an example of hobbit-drowning victims. However, Frodo was not dwelling on this fact much since it had been years that it happened, and he had a more pressing concern to deal with, literally.

Sam was clinging to Frodo, afraid of the water. "Mr. Frodo, I'm staying on the boat with you. Don't let me go."

Frodo gasped for breath. "Sam… can't…"

Sam realized he was suffocating Frodo and he eased his grip. "Sorry, I just dislike water."

"It's ok, Sam. We've faced the Ringwraiths, mimes pretending to be orcs, and I assure you much worse stuff is coming up. Water is nothing to fear. We're more likely to be attacked by a giant spider than drown at this point in the story, and when could something like that ever happen?" Frodo said with a laugh, unaware of his premonitory question.

Sam chuckled and let go of Frodo. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks, Mr. Frodo," Sam said with a smile.

Just then, several elves appeared carrying cloaks, one for each Fellowship member. The cloaks were put on the Fellowship members along with a leaf shape broach. "Compliments of Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn," one of the elves said as they stepped back. "The cloaks will provide warmth in the cold, and will cool you when it's hot. The cloaks feel light, but are quite strong. They will also change color if you need to be concealed. Use them well." With that, the elves walked away.

Shortly after, Lady Galadriel appeared and greeted all of them. "I come bearing gifts for you all."

Lady Galadriel first approached Aragorn. "To you, Aragorn, Elessar, to you I give this." Galadriel handed Aragorn a green stone set in silver.

"Wow, great! What is it?" Aragorn said as he looked at the stone.

"It will help you become King. It will give you all the guidance you'll ever need."

"Wow! Really?" Aragorn asked, looking at the stone in awe.

"No, I just thought it went with your coloring. Oh and here's a sheath for your sword, enjoy," Galadriel said as she handed the sheath over.

Next, Galadriel went over to Legolas. "To you, Legolas, son of Thranduil, I give a bow of the Galadhrim. It will help you gain more fangirls." Legolas looked as though Christmas had come early.

Next, Galadriel approached Gimli. "What gift would a dwarf ask of the elves? You normally do not like us. I hope you do not feel that way about me, Gimli."

Gimli was shaking. He cleared his throat, trying to speak, but nothing came out. Gimli began to sweat profusely. "Well… um… hi… I… I… you're pretty." Gimli just stared at Galadriel, awestruck by her beauty.

"Thank you, Gimli," Galadriel said with a kind smile. She of course did not reciprocate Gimli's feelings, considering she was about 7,000 years older than him, but she did not mind his small crush.

"I know what I want my gift to be: one hair from your golden head." Gimli blurted out, regretting it after.

Galadriel laughed gently, then reached up, pulled three hairs from her head, and gave them to Gimli. Gimli put them in his breast pocket, where they would be protected. Shortly after, he felt faint and suddenly passed out.

Next, Galadriel walked to Boromir. "For you, Boromir, son of Denethor, I give you a belt. It will fit properly and it is your style. Do not worry; remember, even now there is hope left." Boromir nodded at Galadriel, "Thank you, milady."

Next, Galadriel walked to Merry and Pippin. "To you, Merry and Pippin, my young hobbits, I also give you belts, as well as daggers of the Dunadan, crafted in Noldor. They have already seen service in war. Do not worry, young ones, you will find your courage." Merry and Pippin looked at their gifts, and then smiled timidly at Galadriel.

"Wait, Lady Galadriel," Pippin said nervously, "I was wondering…" Pippin started out speaking strong, but became unintelligible.

"I'm sorry," Galadriel asked kindly, "but what did you say?"

"I said, I was wondering… perhaps instead of these lovely gifts, we could exchange them for vast amounts of food?" Pippin asked, thinking with his stomach as usual. Galadriel merely smiled kindly and walked off.

Next, Galadriel walked over to Sam. "For you, Sam Gamgee, I give you a box of earth from my personal garden. May it remind you of the good and green in the world when it seems as though nothing will ever be good and green. Also, I give you Elven rope. It will be useful for many things, such as getting to places, killing household pests, and more. It is also waterproof."

"Thank you very much, milady. Wait, how can a rope be waterproof? Or kill pests? What are household pests anyway?" Sam asked curiously.

"Mr. Gamgee, I have been around 7,000 years. Do not question me." Galadriel smiled as she said this firmly, then walked to Frodo.

"And to you, Frodo Baggins, I give you the Light of Earendil." Galadriel took out a light bulb and gave it to Frodo. "May it be a light for you in dark places when all other lights go out."

Frodo took the light bulb and stared at it. "How…um… how does it work?"

"It's easy really," Galadriel said as she took out an instruction manual and gave it to Frodo. "You'll know when the time comes. The time has come, however, for you to leave. I hate to be rude, but you know that Ring has to be destroyed sometime or another. Chop chop, get a move on, save the world, kill the jewelry. Good luck guys!"

"Well we don't necessarily have to leave now, or even destroy it!" Boromir said. "Maybe we could take turns with it, you know, use it to save the world in however we seem fit. I'll tell you what, let's go to Gondor, see what happens! Who's with me?"

The Fellowship awkwardly stared at Boromir. "Uhhh… just kidding!" Boromir smiled and faked a laugh, and the Fellowship awkwardly laughed along.

"So… I guess we'll just continue on… planning to destroy the Ring…" Boromir looked uneasy as he said this. "We don't have to, you know… but I guess if you all want to…"

"Oh wait, before you go, I forgot something," Galadriel said as she walked over to a bag, "you mortals will need this. Lembas, elven bread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of the grown man."

At this point, Merry turned to Pippin and quietly said, "Oh yeah we had that before, remember? How many did you eat?"

"Four," Pippin said right before he burped.

"Hobbits…" Galadriel muttered. "Anyway, you best be off! Ta-ta!" Galadriel said, practically forcing the Fellowship into their boats.

"Oh can't we stay a little longer?" Frodo asked. "Maybe we can have coffee together? Tea? Lembas?"

"No, you need to go face the peril that awaits you."

"Its okay, Lady Galadriel. I really don't need to face the peril; I've had my share of peril."

"No you haven't not nearly enough. Now off with you! Goodbye! Sayonara! Au revoir! Adios! Nemarie!"

Frodo still objected to leaving, but once again he was grabbed by Aragorn and placed in his boat along with Sam.

"It's ok, Mr. Frodo, at least we have each other." Sam said, smiling nicely.

"Thanks Sam, I know. Tell you what, why don't you face the peril for me? It'd help me a bunch."

"Frodo!" Galadriel said, still listening, "Remember what I said! This task is appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will!"

Frodo began to sulk. As he did, the boats began to move, and the Fellowship started to leave.

Galadriel waved from the shore, watching them as they left. "Remember, Frodo," she said telepathically, "you can face the peril. You can do it. Now don't forget to use my light when the time comes. Now go destroy that Ring!"

"Okay!" Frodo said aloud, earning him stares by all the other Fellowship members. "Sorry… I was thinking…"

And shortly, the Fellowship was out of Lothlórien altogether, off to face the unknown peril…

"No we aren't!" Frodo yelled to the narrator. "There will be no peril! None whatsoever! How are you even narrating anyway? Aren't you going through alcoholic troubles?"

Yes, I am. But unfortunately, I always have time for this story. Always. To me, THIS is peril. You're facing nothing.

"I know I'm facing nothing, because I'm not facing the peril!"

"Both of you, be quiet, this chapter is getting quite silly!" Aragorn said.

"That's right! It was funny at first, but now it is borderline ridiculous." Legolas agreed.

"Aye, even my flirting with Galadriel was a bit much, but this is insane," Gimli said in concurrence.

"Get on with it!" Boromir yelled.

"Get on with it!" yelled Sam, Merry, and Pippin.

"Get on with it!" yelled King Théoden, making a cameo appearance before his role in the story.

"Ok, I'll stop talking and we'll end the story faster!" Frodo said.

"No… No… don't… don't be hasty, Master Frodo," Treebeard said slowly.

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled the armies of Gondor and Rohan, who weren't even due to appear until the end of the trilogy.

Alright, alright! And so, the Fellowship left Lothlórien. That's it. Now bugger off.


	18. The Great River

Hello, all! I am so so sorry for the lack of updating, but my life has been a little hectic. I am now going into my senior year of high school (wow that sounds weird to say) and I have just turned 17 (also very, very weird to say).

Before I start the chapter, I'd like to take an opportunity to thank my loyal and amazing beta, leafhouse =] she is amazing and she always previews my chapters and I've never taken the time to give her a proper dedication like she deserves, so this chapter is dedicated to her =] love you manda!

So everyone, this story has one chapter left after this, and then I am beginning the sequel, the **Two Towers: Monty Python Style.** I hope that story will be better than this one and I hope you guys will love it. But for now, enjoy the next chapter of the **Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style**!

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: The Great River**

They thought he had turned for the worst. They thought he had reached the point of no return. They thought the man they knew and loved was gone, replaced by another, a mere shadow of his former self. They thought they would never hear his smooth, sensual voice narrate anything ever again.

They were wrong.

As the fireplace was once again lit, a door opened. A man with flowing golden robes, long, silky brown hair, and sunglasses entered the room.

"It's Elrond, bitch", the magnificent Lord Elrond said as he strutted to his favorite chair near the fireplace. His strut was quite manly, however; Lord Elrond does not walk like an elleth.

"I'm here, and I'm ready to narrate this parody," he said as he dramatically took off his sunglasses, giving the camera a fierce look. "Let's get this show on the road."

* * *

And so, the Fellowship traveled down the river Anduin. Nothing of any importance happened on the trip. Oh, except a fell beast with one of the Nazgul on top of it flew by. But at this point, the Fellowship was pretty sick and tired.

"Look, I hate to be rude, but it feels like we've been on this journey FOREVER! Honestly, it's like it never ends!" Frodo protested.

"Before this story, I had time to actually focus on my hair. And, if you recall, I had body guards for my hair! Now, look! There's a knot! There is a knot in my hair!" Legolas burst into tears near the end of his statement, overcome with grief.

"Yeah, thanks to this story, I've discovered that my relatives in Moria are all dead. I mean, I didn't necessarily like all of them, don't get me wrong, but I mean... ok so maybe the only one I really liked was Balin, his death was sad… the rest I'm just a bit indifferent to at this point. Boy, I could sure do with some salted pork right now…" Gimli spoke as he trailed off.

"Oh, food…" Pippin said sadly. He laid down against Merry, too depressed and too hungry to complain.

"Before this story, we ate constantly. Now, we're eating lembas bread once a day. This is not what I signed up for," Merry stated as he reassuringly pet Pippin's head.

"Before this story, I did not spend as much time as I desired with Mr. Frodo… now, I do. This is exactly what I signed up for." Sam said as he smiled at Frodo, who nervously returned the smile.

"Well, my friends, at last we have arrived to me, I know you all were wondering what has changed for me when I joined the quest," Boromir said with a proud smile on his face.

"No one was wondering that" Aragorn said emotionlessly.

"I am so glad you asked, nay, I am honored."

"Not a single person here asked."

"Well, I joined this quest to receive honor… to show my quality… to make my father proud. Will I achieve my goals, you ask?"

"Who has asked that? Really, name one person who has asked."

"I know not what lies ahead for me… but I do know that I, Boromir of Gondor, am awesome. And that is all I wanted to stay." With that, Boromir took a deep breath, and sat down, feeling proud of himself.

"I would just like to say I haven't gotten laid since Rivendell. That is all," Aragorn said, again in an emotionless voice.

"Hey guys… I think we're being followed…" Legolas said, sounding a bit out of it. "I'm pretty sure Gollum is over there, and there are some Uruk-hai on the shore running after us. We should probably watch out."

"I wonder if I could pawn this ring…" Frodo said as he looked at the Ring.

"Can we cuddle?" Sam asked.

"Yeah sure, whatever, hey how much could I get off this if I sold it? I really wanna get rid of it."

"Ow! Pip that wasn't food; that was my hand…" Merry said, rubbing the new bite mark on his hand.

"No sex for like… ever." Aragorn sounded like he was in a daze.

"I wonder if my brother misses me…" Boromir said aloud to himself.

"Will my role ever increase? I'm just kinda here… that's it," Gimli pondered aloud.

"Hey guys, we should really worry about those Uruk-hai…"

"Hey Legolas, you kinda look like a girl right? I mean out of anyone here you look the most feminine."

"I'm not doing anything with you, Aragorn, especially not with my hair like this."

"That's a bummer."

"Can we go home?" Frodo asked groggily.

"I second that, I'm hungry"

"Frodo, Pippin, we are not going home. Sam, please stop nuzzling Frodo, it's a bit odd" Merry said, finally gaining the sense that the rest of the group lacked. However, he suddenly felt extremely tired, and fell asleep.

Hey! Hey! Everyone, attention!

"Elrond! You're back! It's been so long!" Frodo said with an excited smile. "Come, we're complaining, join us."

Alright, I will. See there's this Fellowship I hired to destroy the One Ring, which, if they don't destroy it, could end the world, and THEY ARE SITTING HERE AND COMPLAINING!

With that, everyone sat upright. "Sorry Elrond…" the members of the Fellowship mumbled.

Go. Do your task. I'm not saying it again. Do not disappoint me this me time.

"Yes, Lord Elrond…" with that, the Fellowship scampered off to complete their quest.

* * *

After a while, the Fellowship reached land and docked their boats, just avoiding the Falls of Rauros.

Finally, Aragorn took charge, and began to tell everyone their route without realizing only three other people were with him. "We'll cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats, and continue on foot. We'll approach Mordor from the north."

"Oh yes, just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil, an impossible labyrinth of laser sharp rocks. And after that, it gets even better!" Gimli said, protesting their course.

Pippin, who had finally gotten food to eat, stopped eating for once and simply looked at Gimli in fear.

"Festering, stinking marsh lands, far as the eye can see…" Gimli continued.

"That is our road. I suggest you get some rest and recover your strength, master dwarf."

"Recover my-!" Gimli said, outraged at how Aragorn was talking to him. However, he reminded himself he was awesome and brushed off his shoulders.

"Hey, Aragorn, I hate to bother you again," Legolas began nervously, "but I'm pretty sure we're being followed by Uruk-hai."

"Don't be silly, Legolas. There are orcs on the other side of the river, but we're safe here" Aragorn said dismissively.

"I really disagree with that…" Legolas said. He felt very uneasy, but Aragorn was confident. The Fellowship had been through a lot; there was no way things could get worse, right?

Merry, who had been off gathering firewood, set the firewood down as he returned and noticed Frodo was missing. "Where's Frodo?"

"Oh, I didn't notice he disappeared. I'll go look for him" Aragorn said, then he paused. "Hmm, that's odd, Boromir is missing as well," Aragorn noted, "I wonder if there is a connection…"

* * *

Aragorn was quite right. At that exact moment, Boromir had found Frodo whilst collecting firewood.

"None of us should wander alone," Boromir spoke to Frodo, "you least of all. So much depends on you… I know why you seek solitude. You suffer day by day. Are you sure you don't suffer needlessly? There are other ways Frodo, other paths that we might take."

"Look, I know what you're thinking," Frodo began, "so many people think it as well, but they'd never come out and say it to me. I know you are thinking why we are walking to Mordor instead of flying on the back of the eagles. Yes, I know that would be so much easier, but at what cost? We would have no story. No plot. There would be no Fellowship. I mean, yes Gandalf would be alive, yes the death toll overall would be lower, yes it would be the easy way to go… but the story may just be worth it."

"Oh… I was just gonna ask you to give me the Ring. Before I joined the Fellowship, my dad made me promise him I'd bring it back to him. He's a bit strict; I would not want to displease him. So, erm, could I have it?"

"No, sorry, need to destroy it" Frodo said apologetically.

"Oh, come on man! Please?"

"No, sorry."

"Give to me!" Boromir exclaimed as he jumped on top of Frodo, trying to get the Ring.

"Hey! Ouch! This isn't nice!" Frodo cried, shoving Boromir off of him. Frodo then put on the Ring and became invisible, escaping Boromir.

"Oh no… I screwed up… Frodo, I'm sorry! Are you still here? Look that was all my father, totally not me. Can we still be bros?"

But Frodo had already walked away. Putting on the Ring was a bad idea, which he only realized after.

_Hey, hey Frodo… you remember me? It's the Ring… Listen I was wondering if you still had hard feelings from the last few times I tried to kill you…_

Um, yes… yes I still do, very much.

_Oh… well alright then. Listen, my dad's been wanting a word with you, I'll take you to him telepathically, alright?_

No, it is most certainly not alright! Look, I just need to get away, could you leave me alone?

_Ha, no._

And suddenly Frodo seemed to be taken to Barad-dur, and rather quickly too. He started to feel a little dizzy after moving so fast. A split second later, he was raised from the entrance to Barad-dur all the way to the top so he was looking Sauron directly in the eye. Of course, Frodo did not register that right away because due to being moved upwards very quickly he became even dizzier, and was trying to keep his lembas down.

"Oh, I do not feel well at all… Oh gosh, I really hope I do not throw up. You never feel good when you throw up…"

"Frodo…" Sauron began.

"No, sorry now is not the time. I just do not feel right at all. You know, throughout the entire quest so far I have yet to throw up. At least, I cannot remember throwing up. But now, I really think I might. Gosh I so was not expecting this. I should have had a bag to throw up in or something. Oh dear I do not want to make a mess. Maybe if I breathe slowly and deeply I can keep it down… yes that should do it," Frodo said as he took deep, slow breaths.

After a few minutes of breathing like this, Frodo finally felt better. "There we go," Frodo said, then he looked up and realized he was standing in front of the eye of Sauron. "OH MY GOSH! HOW DID I GET HERE? I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE! THIS IS NOT THE REALITY I WANTED!"

As Frodo protested, he walked backwards and suddenly realized he walked off whatever platform he was standing on. As he fell, he took off the Ring, and he found himself falling in reality as well. Frodo hit the ground with a thud as he looked around. Frodo noticed he was surrounded by ancient ruins from the Gondorian Empire, and he realized how beautiful the area around him was.

"You know," Frodo said aloud to himself, "I like it here. It's like nothing could go wrong. I really do not want to destroy this Ring… You know what sucks about Mordor?" Frodo asked, now looking at the camera and speaking to his audience. "It's all so dark there. It's like just a bunch of ash and rocks… It's not that pretty. I miss the Shire. I miss it so much…"

"Frodo, who are you talking to?" Aragorn said; he had been looking for Frodo and finding him alone and conversing with himself was a bit worrisome.

"Oh, just the audience. Hey, what are you doing here? Are you here for the Ring, too, like Boromir?" Frodo jumped off, "stay away! My Ring! It's mine… my own… my beloved… No, that doesn't sound right… I'm missing an adjective. I wonder what it could be… Anyway, yeah, mine."

"Frodo… do you really think I'd take it from you? I mean, it is lovely… It's really lovely actually… I've never noticed what a beautiful piece of jewelry it is… Very beautiful…"

_Aragorn… Aragorn… hey, buddy can you hear me?_

"Whoa, can that thing talk?" Aragorn asked, backing away slightly.

"Yeah, it does that sometimes," Frodo said, sounding indifferent.

"Doesn't that alarm you in any way at all?" Aragorn asked, concerned.

"Eh," Frodo said with a shrug, "you get used to it. It does it quite often. We've had several conversations. Very boring conversationalist. We don't have much in common, so we often run out of things to talk about. Plus, it can be repetitive, and slightly demanding. I just tune it out after a while."

_Hey! I am not repetitive, and yes, I can be demanding but that is not always a bad thing. I just want you to give me to an orc or a Nazgul or something, is that too much to ask? Jeez…_

"You know, the Ring now seems so unappealing… but look, I know why you've been going off on your own lately. You want to leave the Fellowship. I wish you wouldn't. But, I understand it. Do what you must my friend," Aragorn said sadly as he grabbed Frodo's hand, which was closed tight around the Ring. "I would have gone with you to the end… into the very fires of Mordor," Aragorn said with a sad smile.

"I know," Frodo said, reciprocating the poignant smile. "Look after the others. Especially Sam; he will not understand. It's a shame, really. Sam and I, I may not have acted like it but I valued him so much. We were very compatible, too. What a shame. If we were together more, who knows what could have happened…"

Frodo's monologue about Sam was cut short when Aragorn noticed Frodo's sword was turning blue, signifying orcs were close by. "Frodo, go. Run! Run!"

Frodo noticed his sword changing color, too, and with one last look at Aragorn, he ran. Aragorn turned away from the running hobbit and took out his sword. As he stepped forward, Aragorn saw the army of Uruk-hai that were ready to attack the Fellowship.

Aragorn looked straight at them and held his sword up. "Come at me, bros."

* * *

Darkness. The fireplace was lit again, for the first time in what felt like a long time. The camera moved to focus on Elrond, who was sitting in his comfortable arm chair and was just closing his book.

"Well, my fervent admirers, we are almost done here. This part of the story is almost at its conclusion. I mean, I know you mostly listen to this awful parody just for my luscious voice, but still. Well, I have… good… news. I've been forced to—I've been asked to narrate this parody into the sequel, The Two Towers: Monty Python Style. So, you shall hear my voice narrate this miserable story once again. I could be doing so many better things… I didn't want to do this you know. I wanted to be… a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree! With my best girl by my side, we'd sing… sing…

"Yeah, I'm not going to do this. Burst into song? Really? Really? Why is the teleprompter doing this to me? Look, I'm Elrond; I'm not going to be singing for you. That will not happen. There will be no singing from me. Ok, we're finished here."

With that, Elrond stood up and walked out of the room.


End file.
